This week had been eye opening. Some changes have taken place and they’ve made me take a step back and wonder what I want. The day to day activities and commitments I’ve made don’t make me all that happy and I wonder if that matters. I’m conflicted by two juxtaposing quotes that I think of when I think about my life: “do what makes you happy” and “you have to do what you don’t want now to be able to do what you want to do later.” I’m constantly told college is supposed to be the happiest years of my life, but when I hear that it scares me. These are the climactic years? I sure hope not. I always saw these years as building blocks for the prosperous future I was working so hard towards. Am I really suppose to be happy having to wake up at 5 am for practice and then have a 4 hour organic chemistry lab right after? No, of course not. I do those things because I like winning national championships and I want to become a doctor. The sacrifices I make now will pay off later on, right? That’s what I tell myself. But, I can’t help but wonder if 10 years from now I’ll have wanted these years back and wished I had done things differently. I pride myself on knowing where I am and where I want to go, on always knowing the next step and the destination. There was little gray area when it came to my dreams but I’m beginning to realize I’ve never truly been black or white when it comes to anything. I’m interested in so many different things, but because I play soccer and want to go to medical school my time is limited. There is little room for deviation. I’m not sure what this all means for my future and I realize many people don’t know what they want to do with their lives, but that’s never been me and it’s difficult acknowledging that now I think it is.
Hi Taylor,
It takes courage to confront uncertainty, and I admire your taking a couple steps back to observe how what you’ve believed has now been looked at in a new light. It sounds like you have great aspirations for soccer and being a doctor, both demanding of your time but very important to you, and that is awesome! These powerful things are driving you, among your many other qualities and ways of looking at things, and all of these collectively make you and your experiences uniquely your own.
I will be graduating soon and have thought, in a similar way, “Did I spend the moments well? Was I really here?” These questions are sometimes anxiety-provoking, but I tell myself with compassion that, yes, I have been here the whole time, seeing the whole journey unfold as I’ve been in it, making decisions and choices sometimes of my own shaping and other times them shaping themselves. Know that you are here and that it’s okay to make changes or doubt things or feel worried about the future. It’s hard to hold these feelings, but I think just by noticing them you’ve opened yourself up to a kind of internal compass and new insights!
Best,
Jasmine
I went through a similar situation recently, where I was questioning whether what I was doing really made me happy. It seemed like my priorities had shifted, and I was always so tired, because I was doing so much. I felt constantly burnt out, and honestly I was ready to quit, which is a sensation I’d never acknowledged before. I think as honor students we’re used to pushing ourselves to the limit, until that becomes the norm, whether that is healthy or not.
This time, I finally acknowledged something had to change. This semester, I’m only taking 12 credits–the least I’ve ever taken at once–and honestly I am so much more relaxed and happy. The things that had been stressing me out were things I found fun again.
So, my advice to you is to not take on so many things that you make yourself miserable in the process. Figure out the things that are most important–the things you have to do, and the things that make you happy–and do those, but not much else. There is never, ever a reason to work so hard that it compromises your mental health. I know that might be hard to believe (I know it was for me), but it’s true. You deserve to be happy, first and foremost.
Best of luck as you work these things out!
Your post really resonated with me. I’ve been having the same thought a lot recently, about how these are supposed to be “the best four years of my life.” I sure hope this isn’t true, because right now, I can’t say I’m having that great of a time. I think I fall more into the “you have to do what you don’t want now to be able to do what you want to do later” mentality. But is that the best way to approach life? I’m not sure, and it seems like you aren’t either. It’s really challenging figuring out how we want to spend these four years when we know how real and competitive it can be once we graduate. We want to prepare ourselves as best we can, but shouldn’t we also take time to enjoy ourselves before entering the real world? I frequently struggle to find the balance.
I hope the pieces start to fall into place for you, but remember, it’s ok not to have everything figured out right now!