Select Page

For those who have not experienced sexual violence, it can be very easy and tempting to live in a bubble where we pretend sexual violence does not happen. This ability, this privilege, comes in varying degrees. I suppose, for many men, it is possible to live in this bubble with the safe expectation that sexual violence will not happen to them. As a woman, I’ve long been aware that sexual violence victimization is common for women; 1 in 4 during college, 1 in 5 during a lifetime. As a black woman, those chances are higher. However, I’ve been lucky enough to not have experienced sexual violence. As a black woman, I am often not the ally, but the figure that people tried to ally themselves with. But, being incredibly close to survivors of sexual violence has had a huge impact on how I see myself as an ally to survivors, especially since the recent explosion of women sharing their experiences with sexual violence. One of the many things I’ve learned is that the #MeToo campaign is a double-edged sword which also highlights how much the onus to prevent and cope with sexual violence has been put on survivors. Of the survivors I’m close with, many are also activists against sexual violence, which, for anyone, let alone survivors, can be draining and triggering work. To step out of the bubble where sexual violence doesn’t happen has to mean more than just acknowledging it and amplifying those survivors who choose to share their stories, although this is essential. It also means understanding the strength behind not sharing one’s story. It also means understanding how we are, every day and in nearly every setting, interacting with survivors.  While I understand that trigger and content warnings are controversial in many settings, I believe there are ways we can implement them in our personal lives which makes us better allies and better friends. Although I know my activist friends may, to some extent, want to read a powerful op-ed I saw online about Harvey Weinstein, I now know that dropping it into someone’s FB message inbox, something I may do quickly and without thinking, could also be the straw that broke the camel’s back. Although a lot of activism may center around making conversations about sexual violence happen, gauging if our friends not only want to, but are able to engage in that conversation acknowledges the common trauma many carry with them. I’ve come to understand not being a survivor of sexual violence to be a privilege, and one that I can and should use to be a conscientious ally.