Birds of a Feather

The question regarding lasting relationships and how to choose the best person to be with is a topic that many spend years trying to decipher.  Should birds of a feather flock together or should opposites attract?  Which will lead to the happily ever after? When it comes to marriage and friendships it seems that having more in common leads to more stability.  It is important to understand how to maintain a healthy relationship and to establish a way to replicate this pattern over a long-term period.

In a marriage, obviously the two people are not going to agree on everything and are not going to have identical interests.  Despite this though, research shows that being similar to your spouse is related to higher levels of marital success than those who opted for a spouse opposite of themselves and that we gravitate towards potential mates who are similar to ourselves as well (Simonsohn, 2011).  Marriage requires two people to spend their lives together and over the course of that time, major decisions must be made regarding that life they have built.  This could include the number of children they want, where they want to live, how they will raise their children, financial decisions, etc.  It makes sense that making these choices and living them out would be a lot simpler if deciding with someone who has comparable views, values, and wants.

The same holds true when choosing friends and continuing the friendship throughout the years.  Generally, we choose friends because of things we share such as workplace or hobbies.  The commonality provides a starting point where the two people can bond over the things they have in common.  When two people are similar, there is a longer predicted duration for the relationship (Hafen, 2011).  If years go by and one friend’s view change or they move away, now the two friends no longer share a location or no longer share a common interest.  These are the cases where we see examples of friends who knew each other their whole lives but ended up drifting apart.

When it comes to establishing a relationship with some that you can maintain every day without getting too sick of the other person, the key lies in the common factors.  The less that the two people differ on the less they have to argue about or disagree on.  As described, marriages based on common values makes it easier to make the majors decisions together whereas opposite personalities may end up fighting nonstop over these topics.  Similarly, we choose our friends based on something that they have that is like us. Common factors provide bonding opportunities while opposing views such as with politics for example, can result in an explosive end to a relationship.

Source:

Hafen, C. A. (2011). Homophily in stable and unstable adolescent friendships: Similarity breeds constancy. Personality and Individual Differences, 51(5), 607-612.

Simonsohn, U. (2011). Spurious? name similarity effects (implicit egotism) in marriage, job, and moving decisions. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 101(1), 1-24. Retrieved from http://ezaccess.libraries.psu.edu/login?url=http://search.proquest.com.ezaccess.libraries.psu.edu/docview/851480715?accountid=13158

2 comments

  1. Hello,

    I thought your blog post and topic were really interesting and accurate. I have read before that complimentary qualities don’t hold as much value as those that are similar. Synonymous to certain findings from choosing in-group members, we go for those that are similar and/or familiar to us. Factors such as proximity, reciprocal liking and attraction also are components that consciously or subconsciously we scale when choosing those we keep round us. It seems that this occurs partially because it reduces uncertainty and heightens expectations of what we will receive. Trying to avoid the unknown and keep within our limits might make more survival sense on an evolutionary scale; though, change is extremely important.

    Similar to this is the way in which the Social Identity Theory functions. This theory has two main components: personal identity (individual characteristics such as one being charismatic, intellectual or ambitious) and social identity (one’s identity based on groups important to said individual). Through a process of awareness and evaluation, one chooses group members they surround themselves with, more than likely sharing familiar characteristics, to further promote their self-esteem/feelings. The power of groups and the effort we maintain in being associated with certain themes and individuals additionally showcases the importance that groups have on social identity, and relationships, as a whole.

    On a long-term scale, it also seems we repeat common attachments made with primary caregivers at an early age when we are older; thus, repetitively choosing similar group members throughout life. I have many friends that remind me of one or both of my parents, and with some respects that can be good and with others that can be bad. Though it can be fun to meet someone that seems to “complete” you and embody everything you wish you could personally, long-term friendships/relationships seem to point to that of what you stated – similarity and familiarity. Great post!

    References

    Batool, S. (2010, June 2). Role of Attitude Similarity and Proximity in Interpersonal Attraction among Friends. In http://www.ijimt.org. Retrieved February 17, 2017.

    Schneider, F. W., Gruman, J. A., & Coutts, L. M. (Eds.). (2012). Applied Social Psychology (Second ed., pp. 325-333). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

  2. A thought-provoking blog post! I’d like to mention a paper by Cullum and Harton (2007) which notes that not only are people likely to get along when they are geographically close together, but also when they have ideological similarities. When there is scope for an exchange of ideas, the interpersonal dynamic changes as well–the individuals’ perspectives get more and more similar the longer the spend time together.

    This post also calls to mind the arranged marriage versus love marriage debate. Where I come from (India), arranged marriages are popular because parents of the marrying couple ensure similarities between the two families–such as caste, creed and socioeconomic factors. Cross-cultural marriages are rare and in general considered to be much harder to manage.

    Cullum, J., & Harton, H. C. (2007). Cultural Evolution: Interpersonal Influence, Issue Importance, and the Development of Shared Attitudes in College Residence Halls. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 33(10), 1327-1339. doi:10.1177/0146167207303949

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