I haven’t done any hate-posting yet, and it’s been two weeks since I’ve reviewed a song I didn’t like, so today I decided to throwback to middle-school and review some teenage heartbreaker garbage. Scrolling through Billboard’s Hot 100 list, I noticed a young-looking male singer with feminine features, the song next to his name called “Stitches”. Bingo. I looked up the lyrics and the first line was “I thought that I’d never been hurt before.” This is perfect 16-year-old Justin Bieber material: sappy, cringey, pathetic, and hilarious.
As I continued to read these lyrics, the complexity of Shawn Mendes’s poetry continued to impress me. I mean the hidden power in the lines “Now that I’m without your kisses / I’ll be needing stitches,” goes beyond Dickinson, beyond Whitman, hell, even Shakespeare’s best words. This isn’t simply about heartbreak – there’s something deeper in Shawn’s rhetoric, hidden in his defeated persona, his riveting couplets, his obsession with his own sadness: Shawn is a huge wuss.
It may be a low blow, but this song, and probably a few other pieces of trash like it, are Shawn’s contribution to society. Shawn is rich. I’m not. So I call Shawn a wuss partially from spite, but still partially from truth. Take, for example, his music video for “Stitches.” Shawn steps out of a black muscle car in a deserted parking garage, and, as he sings, starts flailing himself around as if he’s being attacked by an invisible assailant. Oh sure this all relates to how Shawn is a victim of his own heart and there’s no real assailant or whatever, but what we should really be focusing on is the fact that Shawn is literally (actual poop in his actual butt) throwing himself onto the ground out of angst, all while mouthing the words to his crappy song. Shawn’s beating himself up, literally and figuratively, over a breakup; depending on who you are this can be reasonable, but not when you have movie-star looks, a nice car, and enough money to rent out two floors of a parking garage. Get over it, Shawn. You’re being a wuss.
Shawn’s inability to cope with his own emotions leads me to believe that the only general audience he can reach effectively is middle-school children. Shawn appeals to adolescents with his style of controlled novelty; the car, the parking garage, and the clothes all match this style. As an old muscle car, Shawn’s car is novel, but it’s black and Shawn drives it slowly. The parking garage is a classic place for brutal, hand-to-hand combat, but it’s deserted. Shawn sports the novel leather jacket and jeans, but no graphic tees, no fancy shoes, and nothing interesting. If this were media appealing to adults, Shawn’s style would have a more extravagant approach because adults want an entertainer, not an idol. A middle-schooler, however, is entertained by idolatry; both novelty and control are admirable qualities, and Shawn’s style will likely strike a chord with any middle-schooler.
I’d like to end this by pointing out that Shawn Mendes looks oddly similar to Rick Astley. I guess music will change over a few decades, but what defines a conventionally attractive person is a little more timeless.