Well, it seems that an era is truly coming to a close. This is the final post of Katie’s RCL Ramblings. Sad, isn’t it? Where will you be each week without a new passion post chronicling my undying love for writing? I have to admit, as tedious as it sounded in the beginning to have to write a passion post for every Thursday, I ended up enjoying it. Probably because I do love writing, and I was able to write about writing (You know when you say a word so many times that it starts to lose meaning? I’m starting to forget what the word writing means).

But alas, the semester is almost over and all good things must come to an end. I hope that at least one person felt entertained by my blogging this semester, because it’s my personal mantra that even if just one person is entertained by something I’ve done, then I was successful. I talked a lot this year about my dream job, my aspirations and my goals, so one day I hope I’ll be able to look back at this and think fondly about how little I knew about the successful years to come when I was just a lowly Penn State freshman.

I said in a first semester post that one of my favorite parts of short stories are the “killer endings” that they often have. I believe that any work of writing can be really awesome throughout, but if the ending is bad then it ruins the whole thing. I’m sure most people can get behind this (I’ve never seen How I Met Your Mother, but I have heard that any fan of the show will certainly agree with me). Everything needs a good ending, whether it’s a short story, a book, a show, a movie, or even a blog post.

So I’m going to take the easy way out here because I don’t want to ruin my year of blogging. To finish up my series of passion posts on writing, I want to include my favorite final paragraph of any novel I’ve ever read ever. I think I mentioned it in one of my posts that the last paragraph of the novel Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro is one of those excerpts of writing that I’ve never been able to shake. It’s pure beauty in word form, and when I read it I bawled my eyes out. It might be one of those things that is much more profound if you’ve read the entire story, but I am going to use it anyway as the finale of my blog because it encompasses the one thing I wanted anyone reading this to get out of Katie’s RCL Ramblings:

The written word is an art form unlike any other. It has a magical way of making people feel, and above all else I plan on using my talent to write to evoke emotion and touch the lives of others.

“That was the only time, as I stood there, looking at that strange rubbish, feeling the wind coming across those empty fields, that I started to imagine just a little fantasy thing, because this was Norfolk after all, and it was only a couple of weeks since I’d lost him. I was thinking about the rubbish, the flapping plastic in the branches, the shore-line of odd stuff caught along the fencing, and I half-closed my eyes and imagined this was the spot where everything I’d ever lost since my childhood had washed up, and I was now standing here in front of it, and if I waited long enough, a tiny figure would appear on the horizon across the field, and gradually get larger until I’d see it was Tommy, and he’d wave, maybe even call. The fantasy never got beyond that –I didn’t let it– and though the tears rolled down my face, I wasn’t sobbing or out of control. I just waited a bit, then turned back to the car, to drive off to wherever it was I was supposed to be.” – Kazuo Ishiguro, Never Let Me Go

I have to say, as much as I love writing in notebooks, I really really appreciate the ability to type on my computer. Not only does it allow me to write down my thoughts (almost) as fast as they come to my mind, it allows me to save all of my drafts and look back at them for fun. The documents folder on my computer is clogged with work dating all the way back to 2013, and sometimes I’ll go back and read through my writing to see what kind of ideas I came up with. Sometimes I actually like what I wrote, and other times I think it’s a pile of garbage (which happens more often than not. I’ve found that it comes with the writer territory to be very critical of yourself.) So, in my search for the next thing to write about for my passion post, I figured it would be a good time to revisit those old documents, some of which I have no collection of writing.

I’m going to click on three random documents, give an excerpt, and say what I remember about it. Because why not?

“Balcony Bar” (last modified 11/29/2015)

She waited for a few hours after the show had finished before heading down to Balcony Bar on the second deck. More than a year of trial and error had taught Annette that around 2:30 in the morning was the best time to leave her cabin for a few hours of down time before the grind of the next day began. At this time the halls were mostly quiet, except for the occasional drunken clamor coming from passengers stumbling back to their rooms. The bars were always populated, but she found that 2:30 was a sort of a transition period between the exodus of people who wanted to attempt a few hours of sleep, and the influx of all-nighters who usually chose one bar to settle into at around 4 AM.

Annette was tired, as usual. But she had long since accepted this tiredness as a part of her that would never fully disappear, no matter how long she slept. The life of a cruise ship entertainer was not a relaxing one. Each day Annette endured the same internal struggle: pass out in her tiny cabin, which had the comfiest pillow at the price of feeling constantly claustrophobic, or slip out at 2:30 for a few hours alone at the price of losing the precious commodity of sleep? Often times the decision was simple, the droopiness of Annette’s eyelids making the choice for her. But that night the one thing she wanted most was to sit in a plush stool at Balcony Bar, listen to the tranquil piano music, and rest her vocal cords for just an hour or so.

Comment: I only ended up writing like three total paragraphs of this. It was going to be a short story about a cruise ship entertainer that either fell in love with someone unusual or witnessed a murder and got caught up in some complex web of lies and confusion. I forget which direction I was planning on going, but the former sounds a lot more interesting.

“Home for the lost plot points” (last modified 12/2/16)

Sequential plot events:

• Girl wakes up in a house and is unaware of where or who she is

• She walks around and finds a man and a woman in a kitchen – other teenagers start emerging from other rooms

• The man and the woman explain to the (four? Five?) teenagers that they are in a rehabilitation center after having been in an accident. They also say that the teens’ families have died, and while it seems they should all feel sad they aren’t because they can’t remember anything

• The five are given their “identities” (which are actually fake)

• The five go through counseling/rehabilitation at this house and they gradually “remember” their fake identities

• The main girl begins have faint flashbacks of her real life

Comment: I have no idea where I was going with this. I feel like I remember getting this idea at Thanksgiving and isolating myself from my family reunion so I could write them down.

“poem draft” (last modified 9/10/15)

Watch me please, keep me in line

Hold me back most of the time

If I’m let loose who knows what I’ll find

In my compound complex web of a mind

 

I want to travel on a private jet

To make it rich, play in a string quartet

Help me remember what I often forget

That not all of my lofty goals can be met

 

I’m afraid to love because I’m afraid to lose

I’m afraid to find that I’m old news

Keep me safe from the wrenching blues

A wandering heart leaves a permanent bruise

Comment: Okay, now this one I genuinely don’t remember writing. That’s probably why it has no title and doesn’t make much sense. But hey, it is what it is!

Looking back at old writing is one of my favorite things to do. Sometimes I’ll look back on past work and actually be impressed with the writing that I did in high school or even as early as middle and elementary school. Middle school was probably my peak when it came to imagination; I remember having so many outlandish and fantastical ideas all at once that I had to write them down as soon as I got home so that I wouldn’t forget. But elementary school was my peak when it came to weird. I have this blue notebook at home with a cat on the cover, and it’s filled with the “songs” that I would write when I was a lot younger. I don’t have that notebook here with me at school and I can’t remember a lot of the songs off the top of my head, but I do remember one specifically called “women can do what men do too.” Some of the lyrics included commentary about how women can jump as high as men and brush their teeth the same way men can. Hey, I wasn’t wrong. And I’m proud that I was already advocating for women’s equality at the ripe age of 8.

Three of my other proudest works of writing came from elementary school – fourth and fifth grade specifically. My friend Emily and I took it upon ourselves to co-author three books, and they were called The Traveling Journal, Making the Best of Things, and The Airplane Book We spent so much time working on them (at recess, at lunch, during class when we should have been paying attention), and eventually we filled three whole composition notebooks with these stories. The Traveling Journal was about a notebook that was passed along to a bunch of different people who would write about themselves for a few pages and then put the book somewhere so that another person would find it and the cycle would continue. Emily and I loved taking on the different personas, drawing the characters out and adjusting our handwriting to make it seem like different people were writing in the notebook.

Making the Best of Things was about a group of four girls who were best friends and wanted to pass a journal among themselves keeping track of the big moments that were going on in their lives. Emily and I made this book a lot like a scrapbook, taping in greeting cards and magazine cutouts, covering pages with stickers and photographs, etc. I think I still have Making the Best of Things somewhere back at my house.

The Airplane Book was about a boy who was moving to another country and was embarking on an extremely long plane flight. But things kept happening, the plane kept getting delayed, and the journey that started out as long already became even longer. So this boy went around to everyone on the plane and got to know them and then wrote about each one of them in his notebook.

I really do miss elementary school sometimes and the fun that Emily and I would have writing these books. Everyone else in our grade loved reading them, and I remember feeling so cool when I had to make a schedule for people to borrow the books because they were in high demand. So that’s why looking back on old writing is one of my favorite things to do: not only does it show the creativity and mindset that I had when I was younger, but it reminds me of some of the best times I had with my friends and some of the best memories that I’ll ever make.

This passion post might stray a little away from my other posts, because it isn’t exactly about writing. But hear me out. I’ve said many times that my ultimate goal in life is to be a screenwriter, and every time I watch a good movie or an intense episode of a TV show, my motivation to achieve my dream career grows more and more. In a recent passion post in which I expressed my thankfulness for screenwriters, I talked about how shows like The Office, Shameless, and Game of Thrones would be nothing without a well-written script that allows for intricate plots and well-developed characters. That is absolutely true, but in this passion post I want to express my thankfulness for something else that plays a huge role in movies and TV shows: the music.

Now, I must admit, my inspiration for this passion post comes from the fact that I am almost done season 6 of Game of Thrones and I have become very emotionally invested. I said in my other post that the writing of the show is impeccable – and it is – but recently I have been paying special attention to the music. I watched the final scene of an episode yesterday night, and the combination of the content in the script and the dramatic background score sent chills through my entire body. In honor of these feels, I would like to give a little shout-out to some movie and TV scores that really enhance the script and add the cherry on top to create a truly unforgettable cinematic experience.

Inception and Interstellar – Hans Zimmer

Hans Zimmer is a BEAST. I think we can all admit that Christopher Nolan movies like Inception and Interstellar are unprecedented cinematic triumphs, but where would they be without the tunes that set the scene and increase the intrigue and drama. One of the most iconic movie songs is “Time” from Inception. If you haven’t heard it yet (I’d be shocked), listen to it NOW.

Harry Potter Series – John Williams

All it takes is hearing the first two or three seconds of this song to immediately think of Harry Potter. John Williams’ brilliantly composed score has become an integral part of the world-wide phenomenon that is Harry Potter, and every song on the soundtrack makes the wizarding world feel (and sound) that much more magical.

Up – Michael Giacchino

Never before have I come across a score that so brilliantly and accurately conveys the attitudes of both the movie viewers and the characters within the movie. And the song “Married Life” might be the only one I’ve ever heard that represents the entire lives of two characters, expressing both the happy moments and sad moments with changing instruments and tempos. It’s pure genius.

There are so many more examples to give, but the list would go on forever. I’m always on Spotify looking up movie scores because they motivate me so much to write. If the combination of an amazing script and an amazing score can produce such strong emotions in an audience, then I believe the film or show is doing its job. And I can’t wait to someday be a part of that process.

I wrote a passion post in October entitled “Thanks, Random Lifeguard.”  If you don’t want to scroll back to read it, I’ll just tell you that it was about how one day on the beach this summer, I was struck with a random burst of inspiration. At the sight of one random lifeguard, a short story idea popped into my head. I described in the post my idea for the story (which at that point I hadn’t started), and expressed that it was a really rough outline and there were still a lot of details to be filled in. Well, this passion post is entitled “Thanks, Spring Break,” because my week at home gave me the free time to plan out the rest of the story and actually write it! I was surprised with myself – in college, all of my minimal free time is usually devoted to Netflix. So the fact that I was actually able to spend a few days finishing a draft of my short story made me believe there is still some hope of breaking out of my lazy college-student writing slump.

Here is a short excerpt from the story, which I decided to call “Mary Elizabeth.” If you are at all interested in reading the rest of the story, I’ve attached a PDF version of it below. But keep two things in mind while reading: 1.) When I say it’s a rough draft, I mean it’s a rough draft. 2.) I guess I have to give a disclaimer since this is a class blog that there is profanity in the story – nothing too bad, but viewer discretion is advised.

Mary Elizabeth

The radio was playing but Claire couldn’t hear it.

Her mom had looked at her for a long time before starting the car. Claire knew she was looking for any kind of emotion to cross Claire’s face, any kind of sadness or shock or fear or anger. But instead of feeling more, Claire seemed to have lost feeling altogether. No matter how hard she searched inside herself for some kind of reaction, she couldn’t find one. It was as if her body had closed up shop, lights turned off, blinds pulled shut, a sign plastered on the door stating to come back later.

So her mom had turned on Claire’s favorite station, but adjusted the volume down to 5 – usually the music would be just barely audible, but Claire’s ears weren’t really working right either. The car bumped along the dirt path and neither of its occupants looked out the window. They both knew they would see enough people crying in the coming days, weeks, months. They didn’t want to face that reality just yet.

As they turned onto the paved road, they passed two young girls riding their bikes. Claire watched them through the back window as they receded into the distance, her cheeks warming with anger. How could they act so normal? How could they laugh and enjoy the summer air when everything was so wrong? At times like this, Claire thought, the world should just stop. The earth should just stop turning and everyone should be frozen in time until her brain starts working normally again and feeling returns to her limbs.

But the earth continued turning, the girls continued biking, and still Claire’s head felt empty and her body felt numb.

“Honey, please talk to me,” her mother said, the first sound breaking through the barrier. Still Claire couldn’t find the words to respond. “There was nothing you could have done.”

And all of a sudden everything crashed into Claire. The dread lodged itself in her throat, and the shock shot through her veins. She felt helpless with every breath she took but the most prominent feeling – the regret – found its home in her heart and reminded Claire of its presence with a weight so profound it felt as if she were lying down with cinderblocks on her chest.

She couldn’t hear the radio but she could hear the screams piercing in her memory. It was just hours ago that Claire had been on her way home from her part-time job at the local swimming pool. She usually took the long way, the safer way by the main road, but she had an essay to write and needed all the time she could get. The short-cut through the woods would save her ten minutes.

PDF:

short story claire pdf-1qlvpnw

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I love pretty much all types of writing. Poems, short stories, novels, you name it. But I’ll also say this again: my ultimate goal in life is to be a screenwriter. I can only imagine the extreme satisfaction those who write for television shows and movies get when they see their dialogue brought to life on screen against a backdrop of their choosing. They can decide what characters hate each other and what characters fall in love. They can decide the setting – does the story take place in Renaissance Europe or 3,000 years into the future? The writers can essentially decide anything (with help from others of course), and can dictate the course of action in a story that devout fans are obsessing over, analyzing every hesitation and every second glance.

In this blog post, I wanted to just shout out a few of my favorite television shows and why I appreciate the stories they have to tell and the people who write and create those stories.

The Office

The Office seems to be a truly cooperative sitcom in that its success came from the combination of fantastic writers, attentive directors and producers, and a perfect (I mean perfect) cast of actors and actresses. But the show would be nowhere if this team had nothing to work with, and that’s why the hilarious writing is the most crucial part. If you watch any given episode of the show, you will notice witty dialogue, extremely well-timed and well-placed jokes, and just situations that set the characters up perfectly to make stupid decisions and create a substantially uncomfortable and consequentially hysterical atmosphere. For example, the episode “Scott’s Tots” was about the main character, Michael Scott, having to tell a bunch of inner city kids that he can’t fulfill a promise he made 10 years ago to pay for their college tuition. The episode is so uncomfortable that it’s almost hard to watch, but that’s what makes the writing so clever. I aspire to be a comedy screenwriter someday who can think of and write for insane situations like this. Here’s the episode promo: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7iA5aJXQvo

Shameless

One of the things I love most about the writing in Shameless is the fact that the scriptwriters can interweave both comedy and drama into each episode, creating a show that is equally heavy/emotional and lighthearted/fun to watch. Another thing that is so amazing about the writing in this show in particular is the character development – characters that seemed so one-dimensional in the first season (cough, cough Mickey Milkovich) turned into some of the most dynamic, deep, and multifaceted characters I have ever seen on television.

Game of Thrones

Now, this one might not count as heavily as the other two because this show is based on the renowned book series by George R. R. Martin. But that doesn’t mean that the screenwriters shouldn’t also be appreciated (Martin actually adapted some of the screenplays himself). I believe that Game of Thrones represents intelligent writing – it approaches many different storylines in such a way that the audience can follow each and remain enthralled by each. The characters are so diverse yet so interesting in their own ways. And the setting, a fictional land called Westeros, is unlike what you would commonly find in T.V. Game of Thrones should be commended for its ability to portray love, war, family, enemies, fantastical creatures, and so much more in such a captivating, informative, and entertaining way.

Well, hope you enjoyed my little tangent. Even if you don’t watch any of these shows, I bet you can appreciate the writing and dialogue of your own favorite shows, because that makes them what they are. Without screenwriters we would have no T.V., and without T.V. we would have no Netflix, and without Netflix – could we even survive??

I’ve successfully snapped out of my writer’s block – I hope. I was feeling a little poetry today, so I decided to write something dedicated to my time so far at Penn State. I posted a while back a poem I had written as an ode to my hometown of West Chester, PA (go dub-c), so I wanted to mimic the style of that one with this mini ode to what I’ve learned so far during my freshman year. Similar to how I hoped my hometown friends could relate to that poem, I hope my college friends can relate to this!

What I’ve Learned So Far at Penn State

 

I’m more than halfway done my freshman year – it’s true when they say time flies

But I’ve already learned about life and love, and where to get the best fries

I’ve learned that while I’m a mess at home, at college I keep things clean

I’ve learned that no one here cares what you wear, so I only wear like one pair of jeans

I can make it from my dorm to Thomas in minutes, I don’t even have to fast-walk

My roommate has told me more than one time that when I’m asleep I talk

I’ve learned the best cookies come from West, but Red is the best dining hall

And no matter how hard I try to conquer the snow, sometimes I must give up and fall

Football is certainly a culture here, and THON has a language all its own

If I talk about orgs, committees, and canning I’ll get weird looks from my friends back home

I’ve learned quite harshly that the adage is true – only the real high school friends will last

But social media has kept me from severing the ties with my acquaintances from the past

I have a new appreciation for Target, my Keurig, and microwave mac and cheese

I’ve learned about the hassles of walking to Atherton – can Simmons have a computer lab, please??

I’ve learned that getting lost in the stacks is not a myth, and that an early bedtime would be 1:30

I’ve learned very clearly about my lack of rhythm – power remix has done me dirty

So far freshman year has taught me a lot – about money, frats, clubs, and classmates

But mostly I’ve learned that the best decision I could have made was choosing to come to Penn State

It has struck again. The arch nemesis of a writer. The thing I dread when I sit down with a new document open and the intent to put something in it. But instead, my mind decides to pull a fast one on me. It shuts down, produces only bland and irrelevant lines and phrases. No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to fight it. The dreaded writer’s block.

Yep, that’s right. I have writer’s block. And this isn’t just me trying and failing to think of a last minute passion post topic (I promise). Each week I look forward to writing about writing, and it hasn’t yet been a problem for me to come up with something to write about. For the past few days I have been searching my uncooperative brain for an idea, any idea. I tried thinking of poems, I looked up writing prompts, and I read my past posts for inspiration. But nothing hit me, like it usually does.

So this week, I’m just going to try to get my brain working properly again. And what usually helps me break out of writer’s block is writing about other things I am passionate about. This list is random and unorganized, but so am I so it’s suitable.

The Weird Part of Netflix

Yeah, Netflix has some awesome mainstream movies and T.V. shows, and don’t get me wrong I hit those up on the daily. But some of my favorite things I’ve found on Netflix are the odd, 5^th scroll, barely known movies that are so random and sometimes so weird I find myself questioning my existence. And it proves to be a real bonding experience between me and my friends when we see movies so strange we are left speechless. One prime example is the movie ABC’s of Death – but if you watch it, prepare to be forever changed.

My Cats

I am a huge fan of my cats and I’m not ashamed of it. Especially my one cat, Neville. My mom sends me snapchats every day of my cats and I honestly miss them more than a lot of things that should be higher up on the list of Things I Miss While at College.

Going Really Hard in Jeopardy

I am a highly competitive person. This has worked in my favor plenty of times while playing tennis, participating in debates, and doing a lot of other activities that require that competitive drive. But above all else, I go hard at jeopardy. Most of the time I’m competing against my parents, from whom I’ve inherited my competitive nature, so you best believe there’s always some fighting going down on weeknights at home in my family room.

Taking Heinous Snapchats

Let’s just say this – I’m well-known among my friends as being the person who can make the ugliest faces in Snapchats. It’s a talent, a gift, whatever you want to call it. But I’m proud of it.

Well, there’s some useless information about myself. Hopefully next week I’ll be able to snap out of this writer’s block!

One thing that I mentioned in my bio is that my dream job is to write for Saturday Night Live. I know, it’s not the most realistic thing. But isn’t that what dreams are meant to be?

I imagine myself sitting in a room with a bunch of hilarious people, bouncing ideas off of one another and laughing at the crazy, ridiculous things we come up with. Nothing is as satisfying to me as having a conversation with a group of people, or even just one person, who can match my style of sarcastic humor and who challenges me to go one step further, say one thing funnier. My close group of friends are some of the most hilarious people I know. Having a job in which I could work alongside people like that, and do what I love to do (write, duh) would make me the happiest.

So, I thought I would make a post appreciating the writers of Saturday Night Live. Some of the skits I’ve seen are so genuinely laugh-until-your-stomach-hurts funny that I wanted to create a list for other people to have the same experience. I get that people have different tastes when it comes to humor, but I have to believe that the skits I’ve listed below will make everyone who watches laugh (at least a little).

1. Oprah’s Favorite Things (Birthday Edition) – http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/oprah/n11789?snl=1

• This skit has me on the verge of tears every time I view it. It parodies Oprah’s live audiences, amplifying to an outrageous extent their reactions to receiving gifts. One woman faints, another goes into labor, another’s head blows off. It’s so well executed and in my opinion, true comedy.

2. Santa Baby – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CkrpvCs-kfE

• The best thing about this skit is the utter discomfort. Everyone in the room is uncomfortable by the strange actions of the couple, and we as viewers can feel the discomfort as well. It’s perfectly awkward, delightfully uneasy, amazingly funny.

3. Palin/Hillary Open – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSOLz1YBFG0

• I doubt anyone would argue that SNL hit the jackpot with Sarah Palin’s entry into the political spotlight. And it worked out perfectly that Tina Fey could do a spot-on impression of her. SNL always handles political sketches so well (in my opinion), with intelligent writing that picks out the tiniest ticks and funniest flaws of each candidate. Plus the juxtaposition of Palin and Hillary in this skit especially is comedic gold.

4. Weekend Update: Stefon Returns – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otT53ANCfR4

• Stefon is hands-down my favorite Weekend Update guest. The SNL writers were really able to let loose with him, giving him dialogue that is extremely random, disjointed, and borderline questionable. It helps that Bill Hader – comedy genius – creates such a unique character with the delivery of his lines (and it’s even funnier when he breaks).

5. High School Theatre Show – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nnWh8tKfMbk

• What makes this skit so hilarious is how accurate it is. High school theatre shows are often just strange, and often try way to hard to make statements about society. One of the reasons I personally love this skit so much is because I did the spring drama in my high school, and some of what comes up in this skit is scarily similar to the play I performed in.

The list of my favorite SNL skits goes on and on. I appreciate what these writers do so much, and I envy them even more. Maybe one day an RCL student will be writing about their favorite SNL skit – and I’ll have written it!

Surprise! Bet you thought you’d heard the last from me. I said in my latest passion post that it would be my last, but this semester is about to bring 10 new blog entries about what is (still) my favorite thing in the world – writing!

I’m currently a journalism major, but a lot of the time news articles are extremely serious and purely informational. I love writing seriously about topics, but as an aspiring comedy writer I also love topics, articles, and even headlines that can make me laugh. That’s why I am such a huge fan of satirical news sources like The Onion or Phroth, which we have here at Penn State. When I was thinking about what I wanted my first passion post to be to start off the semester, I got an idea – what if I wrote an article in the style of The Onion, with a Penn State twist?

The possible headlines started popping into my mind as soon as I decided this is what I wanted to write about. Here are some of the headlines I came up with (remember – satirical!):

Student Submits Assignment Two Weeks Late; Claims Professor “Unfair”

Fraternity Brother Remembers Entire Friday Night

Student Thinks Big Words More Important Than Correct Answer

Out Of State Tuition Funding Nightly Blackouts

New Years Resolutions Falter; White Building A Barren Wasteland

Table Actually Available At HUB

Graduating Senior Still Receiving E-mails From Clubs Signed Up For Freshman Year

Student With Headphones Hit By Car; Doesn’t Notice

Professor Fails To Ever Look At Accurate Clock

And here is the winning headline, accompanied by a short article that I’m sure will resonate with many students (including me) here at Penn State. All names and quotes are made up.

Students Act Like They’ve Never Seen A Dog Before

NEWS IN BRIEF – January 18, 2017

STATE COLLEGE, PA – Walking on the HUB lawn this past Monday, Penn State junior Madeline Biel was met with what she described as an “utter and delightful surprise.” According to Biel, a dog with its owner happened to pass her while she was on her way to pick up lunch with a friend. Witnesses report that Biel literally dropped to the ground to kneel directly in front of the unaware canine. “It was awesome,” said Biel, a smile stretched across her face. “It was so cute. I can’t believe I saw a dog. It was exactly what I needed.”

The dog’s owner, state college native Mary Richardson, 51, said she had forgotten that the Penn State campus is an unofficial “do not enter” zone for dog-owners. “Every time I step onto campus with Rufus, I immediately feel like a target,” Mary told reporters. “Rufus gets scared. I get scared. It’s like they’ve never seen a dog before.”

Campus dog sightings have been proven to incite mob mentalities among college students. It is a largely unexplained phenomenon, and researchers are looking into the current grey area when it comes to uncovering the complexities behind student reactions. Renowned psychologist Rick Barton was called for comment. “It baffles me,” he said. “My colleagues and I are wondering if any memory damage is involved. College students respond to seeing dogs in the way any normal human would respond to seeing an extraterrestrial.”

Until science reveals the true cause, it seems as though Penn Staters will continue to be shocked with each canine sighting. Says Madeline Biel, “I wonder if I’ll ever see one again.”