Category Archives: Passion Blog

Rapunzel: Hair Extension Edition

Posted on November 21, 2013 | Leave a comment

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a little girl named Rapunzel who lived in a lovely home with two devoted and caring parents. Although Rapunzel’s home was in a beautiful neighborhood, her neighbor was an evil lady who was feared by everyone in the land. The evil lady, who remained eternally nameless, was a shriveled and scrawny old woman who always wore animal print and never smiled. She was never seen in pure daylight, but occasionally could be seen in her home through Rapunzel’s kitchen window, which looked into the evil lady’s living room.

One day, while Rapunzel’s mother was in the kitchen washing dishes, she noticed a flickering light coming from the evil lady’s living room. Squinting her eyes, Rapunzel’s mother realized that it was a diamond necklace—a very beautiful and expensive diamond necklace. For the next few days, Rapunzel’s mother became fixated having on the diamond necklace, becoming paler and more miserable every day she lived without it. Rapunzel’s father became alarmed by his wife’s melancholic complexion and asked, “What is wrong?”

“Ah, if only I could have the evil lady’s diamond necklace! I feel like I am going to die without it! It would pair perfectly with all my outfits!” his wife wailed.

Rapunzel’s father, who loved his wife very much, thought, “I shall do anything to get this necklace and make my wife happy again.”

Thus, that night, Rapunzel’s father clambered over the evil lady’s fence, opened her window, hastily grabbed the diamond necklace, and turned back to see the evil lady facing him.

“How dare you enter my house and steal my necklace? You shall suffer for this! I will call the police and have you imprisoned immediately!” the evil lady thundered.

“No! No! Please, have mercy! My wife saw your diamond necklace from the window and felt such a longing for it that she will die if I fail to bring it to her! Please!” Rapunzel’s father whimpered.

The evil lady allowed her anger to soften and offered, “If what you say is true, I will let you take my diamond necklace to your wife, but only if you give me your child, Rapunzel.” The man, paralyzed with terror, consented to the evil lady’s demand. The next morning, Rapunzel was brought to the evil lady, who shut Rapunzel into a tower that had neither stairs nor a door and was located in the middle of a forest, where no one could find her. As Rapunzel grew older, her hair golden hair grew magnificently long with all the hair extensions she had put in  to hoist the evil lady up the tower when she visited on occasion.

One day, the king’s son was riding through the forest when he passed by the tower and heard the sound of sweet music. Rapunzel, who had learned to sing to pass the time in the lonely tower, sung beautiful melodies. The king’s son, finding no entrance into the tower, rode home, but made sure to return to the tower everyday to listen to Rapunzel’s music. After a few weeks, the king’s son returned to find the evil lady climbing up Rapunzel’s hair extensions. So the next day, he tried the same and climbed up the tower. As he clambered through the window, Rapunzel was petrified, as she had never seen a man before, but as the king’s son gently spoke, Rapunzel befriended him. Over the next few days, the king’s son visited Rapunzel everyday while she sang. Captivated by her sweet voice, the prince asked Rapunzel to come back with him to his castle.

The evil lady, who had been spying on Rapunzel, became aware of the prince’s plans, for which she was more than willing to thwart. That night, the evil lady climbed up Rapunzel’s hair extensions, took a pair of scissors, and chopped off all of Rapunzel’s hair amid her cries of panic.

“Serves you right, you wretched girl! Cheating on me like that and having unpermitted visitors! You shall never see you beloved prince again!” the evil lady threatened.

Rapunzel sobbed the remainder of the night while the evil lady slept with a deep smile on her face. The next afternoon, when the prince came for his daily visit, he realized that Rapunzel’s hair was gone. Alarmed, he called upon Rapunzel, who explained everything in vivid detail through the window. The prince, who was often labeled as dull, suddenly had an idea to rescue Rapunzel. He mounted his horse, galloped back to the castle, and returned to the tower with a ladder. He leaned the ladder against the tower, hoisted Rapunzel down (who was mildly upset that the prince failed to think of bringing a ladder earlier), and agreed to marry him.

Suffering from old age and hatred, the evil lady passed away in the days to come while Rapunzel and her prince lived happily ever after.

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Cinderella: Bookerella Edition

Posted on November 14, 2013 | 2 comments

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a very astute and shrewd girl named Bookerella who was always found studying her books (as her name would suggest). Bookerella was the most intelligent woman in the land, boasting an impressive IQ of 173 and carrying knowledge of multivariable calculus since the age of five. Despite her intellectual acumen, Bookerella lacked the social skills and beauty that her two stepsisters possessed. The two stepsisters were not very fond of Bookerella and constantly teased her with their pranks and derisive name-calling. They always snatched Bookerella’s heavy and thick-rimmed glasses and hid them in tiny nooks while laughing at Bookerella’s futile attempts to find them.

One day, one stepsister said, “Why should Bookerella be able to sit with us at dinner? She’s hideous and she’s ruining my chances to be asked out to prom by Bradley. He’s so perfect. Ugh, Bookerella isn’t good enough for us.” The next day, the stepsisters had Bookerella’s clothes taken away from her and dressed her in a battered gray smock and scratchy socks. “Awh, look how cute she looks now!” they laughed as they led her into the kitchen.”

From that day on, Bookerella made her residence in the kitchen corner and worked tirelessly from morning to evening, carrying water, making the fires, cooking, washing, cleaning, and doing chores for her stepsisters, who sadistically did everything to make Bookerella’s life miserable. They would deliberately spill food and water on the floor so that Bookerella would have to clean over and over; they would constantly complain that their steaks were under or overcooked so that Bookerella would have to cook for hours; they would purposely stain their clothing with the most pungent and visible dyes so that Bookerella would spend days washing them. After the day ended and everyone fell asleep, Bookerella fell by the kitchen hearth, shattered in tears.

The following morning, the king of the land called upon a royal order to have a ball in which all the beautiful young girls in the land were invited for the king’s son to select a bride for himself. When the two stepsisters received a text that they too were invited, they became euphoric and scrambled to find the perfect dress, shoes, and jewelry. They called upon Bookerella without rest—“Bookerella, brush our teeth and comb our hair! Tailor our dresses! Polish our shoes and jewelry! Make us low-fat and low-carb smoothies so we don’t get fat before the big day!”

As always, Bookerella reluctantly obeyed, but she too wished she could go to the ball. She earnestly begged her stepmother, only to receive a scornful scoff of contempt—“You? You want to go to the ball? Why, you don’t even own a dress or a pair of shoes!” Bookerella kept begging, but to no avail. Before hurrying out with her two daughters, the stepmother turned to Bookerella, adamantly declaring, “You are not coming with us. You don’t have the clothes, the looks, the shoes, or even know how to dance for that matter. We would be so ashamed of you.” With that, the stepmothers and stepsisters pompously entered their carriage, leaving Bookerella in tears.

Suddenly, however, a white pigeon appeared and draped Bookerella in a glimmering and magnificent silver gown and glass slippers. The white pigeon warned Bookerella to return to her house by midnight, for the charm would only last until then. Bookerella obliged and hurriedly left for the ball.

At the ball, the prince approached Bookerella and danced with her for the remainder of the night, discussing Einstein’s Theory of Relativity and the Big Bang Theory along the way. As Bookerella soon discovered, the prince was as much an intellectual as she was. Unfortunately, midnight was coming upon them and Bookerella abruptly left and ran away, dropping her glasses along the way. The prince failed to find Bookerella and instead came upon her glasses, declaring that no woman shall be his wife except for the lady to whom the glasses belonged.

The next morning, a valiant trek across the land began with the prince visiting every house in the land. He instructed every woman of the residence to wear the glasses and read a passage from his favorite book, “The Hunger Games.” Even after entering hundreds of homes, no woman seemed to be able to read with the glasses. Alas, right before the prince was going to give up, he arrived at Bookerella’s house. The stepsisters, recognizing the glasses and threw Bookerella into the closet. Despite their efforts, the prince heard Bookerella’s whimpering from the closet, opened it, and had Bookerella wear the glasses. He placed “The Hunger Games” in front of her, but Bookerella did not need it because it was also her favorite book and she had it duly committed to memory. The prince smiled and he and Bookerella embraced. The stepsisters and stepmothers cried hysterically as Bookerella and her prince lived happily ever after.

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Velma and the Frog, adapted from “The Princess and the Frog”

Posted on October 24, 2013 | Leave a comment

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a college student named Velma who was the daughter of a hated, overthrown king. One fine evening, while twiddling with her favorite bracelet, Velma sauntered into the woods to take a walk by herself. She sat down by a pond and began twirling the bracelet around her finger when suddenly it flung into the water. Velma, in a state of panic, stood up and looked in the deep pond as her treasured bracelet slowly disappeared out of sight.

“No, No, No! That was my mother’s 24-carat diamond bracelet! No! What have I done?” stammered Velma as she became hysterical and began sobbing.

While she wept bitterly, a gentle frog pocked his head out of the water and asked, “Why are you crying?”

“It-it’s nothing—It’s not like you can help me anyways. I accidently dropped my mother’s diamond bracelet into the pond. It’s my favorite bracelet and I sometimes borrow it without telling her. It was the last piece of jewelry my mother received before my wretched father was violently overthrown and exiled from the kingdom.”

“I’m sorry, young lady” the frog replied in a soft and consoling voice.

“Thank you. I would do anything to get that bracelet back. My mother will never speak to me again if she finds out.”

The frog sat for a while and watched Velma whimper when he swiftly exclaimed, “Why, I can bring you back your bracelet!”

“Really? You could do that? Oh, that would be wonderful!” exclaimed Velma in joyful relief.

“Yes, but only on one condition. If I bring you your bracelet, you must do as I say. You must love me, let eat from your plate, and let me sleep on your pillow.”

“This is ridiculous,” thought Velma. “I’ll just agree to whatever he says and sprint away after he fetches me the bracelet.”

“Uh, sure. If you bring me my bracelet, I will do as you wish,” Velma said with a deceitful smile.

The frog gracefully dived into the imperceptible depths of water. After a little while, he surfaced with the bracelet in his mouth, and threw it to the edge of the pond.

As soon as Velma grasped her bracelet, she became so euphoric that she completely forgot about the frog and ran away. The frog yelled after her, but it was to no avail.

The next day, as Velma sat down for dinner, she heard a strange noise at the door.

“Let me in, Velma. Remember your promise to me?” the frog croaked at the door.

Velma became pale with fright and explained everything to her superstitious roommate, Daphne, who suggested Velma do everything the frog says to avoid being cursed.

So Velma did and opened the door as the frog hopped into the room. The frog sprung to the dining table and ate the artificially flavored chicken ramen noodles from Velma’s plate.

“I’m tried now. Carry me upstairs to your bed” the frog demanded.

Velma unwillingly carried the frog to her bedroom pillow, where the frog slept all night and jumped out the window at sunrise.

“He’s finally gone” Velma happily thought. Unfortunately, her happiness was short-lived as the frog came in the following night, ate ramen noodles from her plate, and slept upon her pillow until sunrise. The third night he did the same. This time, however, Velma woke not to the frog, but to a handsome man gazing into her eyes.

The handsome man, named Fred, explained to Velma, “Twenty years ago, I had been cursed by a spiteful witch and she turned me into a frog. I would have remained a frog the rest of my life if I had not let some woman let me eat from her plate and sleep on her pillow for three nights.”

“You, Velma, have broken the cruel charm.”

“You-you’re welcome,” Velma stuttered, awed by Fred’s beauty.

“Oh, by the way, did I tell you I was a prince? I would like you to come with me to my father’s kingdom.”

Velma graciously obliged and married Fred a year later in a extravagantly royal wedding and lived happily ever after.

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The Golden Goose: Bunny Edition

Posted on October 17, 2013 | 2 comments

Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there lived a man who had three sons: Larry, Mo, and Curly. Larry, the eldest son, was very handsome and charming, for he was quarterback of his football team and Homecoming King for three consecutive years. The father knew that Larry would one day become wealthy. Mo, the second son, was very gifted and intelligent, for he could recite the value of pi to the three hundred digits while simultaneously proving Fermat’s Last Theorem, notoriously considered as one of the most difficult proofs in the history of mathematics. The father knew that Mo would one day become famous. Despite the excellence of the first two sons, Curly, the third and youngest son, shared nothing in common with his brothers. Curly was dull and lackadaisical, for he lay in bed all day watching “Breaking Bad” while consuming jars upon jars of nutella. The father knew that nothing would ever become of Curly.

As time passed, the father aged and decided it was time for his sons to leave home and enter the real world to make their fortunes. First bidding farewell to the eldest son, the father gave Larry an insomnia cookie and some chocolate milk. Larry left with his father’s food and blessing.

While on the dusty and tumultuous path to the real world, Larry met a strange little man with an unkempt beard and scrawny face.

“I am starving, young one,” the old stranger said. “Would you share your meal with me?”

“No,” Larry replied staunchly. “I will never share my cookies and chocolate milk with anyone and I have many miles to travel, so I need as much food as I can get.” He looked resolutely into the distance and continued his path to the real world, leaving the old man behind.

The following morning, the father prepared to bid goodbye to his second son, Mo. He gave his son an insomnia cookie and chocolate milk, watching him disappear into the distance on his way to the real world.

While on his path, Mo met a strange little man with an unkempt beard and scrawny face who blocked his way.

“Pardon me, young one,” the old stranger quietly requested. “I am very hungry. Would you mind sharing your food with me?”

“Never!” screamed Mo. “How do you think I can memorize pi and solve math equations without my food. My father warned me of people like you!” Mo ran away angrily with his cookie and chocolate milk, leaving the old man behind.

The subsequent morning, the father eagerly bid farewell to his youngest son, Curly. He gave curly an insomnia cookie and chocolate milk, excitedly waiting for the moment he left the house.

While on his path to the real world, Curly came across a strange little man with an unkempt beard and scrawny face.

“I am so hungry, young man. Could I have some of your food?” the old stranger requested earnestly.

“Sure,” replied Curly. “I may not be as charming or as smart as my brothers, but I don’t mind sharing a meal.”

The old man was in pure delight, so when he finished his meal, he decided he would repay Curly for his kindness. As he chugged the last drop of chocolate milk, the old man gave Curly an ax and instructed him to cut down and old tree and sprinted away before Curly could stop him.

Seeing no other option, Curly did as he was told and chopped down the tree, which to his amazement contained a golden bunny.

Now Curly hated rabbits, but at the sight of its lustrous golden fur, he fell to his knees at the feet of the golden bunny. “I’m rich!” was the only thought that Curly could express.

Curly tied a string to the golden bunny’s neck and skipped off into the real world, where he was met with “ooohs” and “ahhhs” as people paid thousands to see the enchanted golden bunny. Meanwhile, Curly’s brothers, Larry and Mo, struggled coping with the difficulties of the real world, and ended up in positions far from fame and fortune. Curly became rich and famous and lived happily ever after.

Moral of the story: Never discredit the lazy ones. They may surprise you.

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The Princess and the Pea: President Edition

Posted on October 10, 2013 | Leave a comment

Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there lived two wealthy men, Drake and Joshua, who wanted to become president of the land. Drake, the first presidential candidate, was renown for his intellectual acumen, for he could solve the most complex of mathematical equations, memorize all the works of Thoreau, write fifteen novels in a year, and was on the path to singlehandedly finding a cure for cancer. Joshua, the second presidential candidate, was widely appreciated for his looks and charm, for he had the ability to entrance anyone, man or women, simply by gazing into their eyes.

As time passed, the people of the land realized that the position of presidency would become a battle between intellect and charm. For four strenuous and demanding years, the two men scoured the entire land to earn the appeal of their constituents and plead for votes. On the day of the election, the people of the land gathered to cast their votes, some succumbing to Drake’s intelligence and some succumbing to Joshua’s charisma. After a very competitive and highly anticipated election, it was learned, to the people’s sorrow, that the result was a tie. Both Drake and Joshua had received the same number of votes, so neither could be granted the title of president of the land.

The following morning, tens upon hundreds of councils and ministries gathered to seek a solution to a seemingly tricky conundrum: who should be president, Drake or Joshua? Suddenly, the secretary of the land had a flash of brilliance having fathomed a solution to the dilemma.

“I’ve got it!” the secretary screamed with excitement. For centuries, tales had been passed from generation to generation that glorified the president and declared only those with presidential blood were fit to rule. Such presidential blood was only found in a select group of the chosen few, who displayed a sense of delicacy, elegance, and sensitivity. The eyes of secretary gleamed as she marveled at her own genius and announced her plans to the council: “Presidential blood is something only a few chosen few are born with. We shall have both candidates, Drake and Joshua, sleep on their luxury hotel mattresses, however, we shall place a penny beneath each mattress and whichever candidate notices the discomfort caused by the penny will become president of the land. Only the man who can notice the penny has presidential blood and is fit to rule the land.”

At that moment, the members of the council stood upon their feet and applauded the cunningness and wisdom of the secretary. The following night, the hotel manager walked into Drake and Joshua’s extravagantly luxurious five-star suites, and placed a bronze penny beneath each of their mattresses. Both Drake and Joshua returned to the hotel to sleep, unaware of the council’s plans.

The next morning, both Drake and Joshua emerged from their rooms to the sight of hundreds of paparazzi and press officials inquiring how they had slept. Joshua winked at the cameras and stated that he had a restful sleep, looking dashing as always. On the contrary, Drake looked withered and pale with bags beneath his eyes and a lifeless expression.

“I don’t know how you could have slept, Joshua, for I slept very badly. I kept tossing and felt such an extraordinary lump of discomfort in my mattress. Never have I slept so poorly!” exclaimed Drake in utter fatigue and exasperation.

The press and the crowd burst into a medley of cheers.

“Drake’s our new president! Long live Drake!” the crowd chanted in pleasure.

Both candidates were then notified of the council’s plans and the implantation of the penny in their mattresses. Joshua left the hotel in a disappointed manner while Drake delightedly accepted his new position as president of the land and lived happily ever after.

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The Ugly Duckling: Chipmunk Edition

Posted on October 3, 2013 | 3 comments

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, the sun shined warmly upon four newborn baby squirrels and their mother, who sat in a tree devouring an acorn. In a land a little bit farther away, dark clouds blanketed the skies as Johnny the chipmunk was born. Unfortunately, Johnny was an only child and with the somber skies and eternal gloom of his land, Johnny often became lonely. Wanting to live a brighter and happier life, Johnny decided to leave his land in favor of a more joyful surrounding. So after a couple of restful days, Johnny decided to explore a whole new world.

Johnny began his trek the next morning and ran and ran until he saw sunlight. He reached another land and upon entering, became overwhelmed with delight at the sight of clear skies and a glowing sun.

Happy Chipmunk

Johnny being delighted by his sights.
Courtesy of http://onlypositive.net/?tag=/chipmunk

He ventured a little further when he saw another litter of animals that looked similar to him and tried to befriend them. Johnny unknowingly entered the land of squirrels and was subsequently introduced to Tom, Tim, Ted, and Tod, four of the young newborn squirrels. Over the next few days, Johnny and the squirrels became best friends as they chased each other around the trees, jumped into piles of leaves, and ate as many acorns as their stomachs would let them. In due time, however, the distinctions between Johnny and his squirrel friends became wider and more pronounced. Johnny’s friends had long bushy tails, long bodies, and beady, devilish eyes. Johnny, in contrast, developed dark and light brown stripes along his back, had a smaller and narrower body, and a skinny dark brown tail. With their physical differences, the friendship between Johnny and his friends slowly deteriorated.

“Hey Johnny! What’s that on your back?” berated Ted.

“Yeah, it looks so stupid,” said Tom, gnawing on yet another acorn.

The days passed and the insults towards Johnny became progressively worse. Since he ran away from home at an early age, Johnny never knew he was a chipmunk; upon entering the land of the squirrels, Johnny too believed that he was a squirrel. Nonetheless, Johnny could never explain his physical differences, and he knew something was wrong. Johnny had shorter legs and could never run as far or as fast as his friends. He could never climb trees as fast or as high as his friends. His stripes made him very distinct and different from his friends, earning him the title “ugly squirrel.”

“Hey! Ugly squirrel, come here and catch this acorn!” yelled Tod.

But Johnny’s arms were too short and he missed.

“You’re such a loser. You can’t do anything right,” criticized Tom, who shook his head in shame and dismay at his friend’s failed efforts.

After days of criticism, Johnny became very unhappy and resolved to run away to another land. So the next morning, Johnny packed some acorns and ran for as long as he could, when, all of a sudden, he reached College Avenue. Johnny was in awe of all the sights—the people, the stores, the restaurants, and most importantly, the chipmunks. Johnny finally recognized his own kind and reunited with the tribe. While the weather was very erratic in this new land, Johnny was nevertheless thrilled to be among his species and explore his new surroundings. Every morning, Johnny and his chipmunk friends crawled into trashcans, eating all the French fries and scrap food available, and then proceeding to jump out on nearly all the people nearby, terrifying them much so. Johnny was no longer called the “ugly squirrel” (which meant a lot to a chipmunk with an identity crisis). He, along with his fellow chipmunks, lived happily ever after.

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Hansel and Gretel: A Modern Adaptation

Posted on September 26, 2013 | 3 comments

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived Hansel and Gretel, two adults in their-mid twenties who had overstayed their welcome at their parents’ house.

“They’re eating all of our food and never clean up after themselves!” ranted the mother. “We must do something.”

“Is this what we paid all that college tuition for? To have them come right back to us and eat all of our food and make our lives miserable? We have to get rid of them,” the father muttered.

“Here’s what we’ll do: we’ll walk them to the end of the college campus, where there’s a wooded area, and ask them to collect some wood for the upcoming winter. While they’re busy, we’ll run back and knowing their lack of direction, they’ll never be able to find their way back home. We will be free from them forever,” the mother said, pleased with her sinister plan.

The father agreed and both parents fell asleep. Little did they know that Hansel and Gretel had been awake and overheard their entire conversation.

“Don’t worry Gretel. I got this all figured out,” Hansel reassured, while devouring his favorite meal, a whole piece of toast slathered with nutella.

The next morning, the mother stormed into Hansel and Gretel’s room to wake them up, telling them that they need to collect wood for the upcoming winter. Before they left, Hansel stuffed a big bag of M&M’s into his pocket. As they walked toward the woods, Hansel, every now and then, covertly pulled out an M&M and dropped it along the path.

After a few hours of walking, they finally reached the woods where Hansel and Gretel received instructions to collect wood. While Hansel and Gretel ventured through the trees to gather a few twigs, the mother and father hurriedly ran off. Unfazed, Hansel and Gretel reconvened to fathom a way to journey home.

“Gretel! I marked our path home with M&M’s. All we gotta do is follow them!” Hansel exclaimed, in awe of his seemingly brilliant plan.

Hansel and Gretel began to walk, searching for an M&M to guide them. Alas, their effort was futile because the devilish campus squirrels had eaten their guide home. Hansel and Gretel sat upon a rock in a state of dismay. As they were about to fall asleep, they saw the light of a lamppost flicker through the trees.

Hansel and Gretel stood up and followed the light, which led to a tiny, seemingly deserted, cottage. Assuming the cottage was vacant, Hansel and Gretel opened the door and walked in. But facing them was a large, burly, sinister man who glared at them with sly eyes.

“What are you doing in my house?”

“Oh, well, you-you know. We got l-lost an-and just needed a pl-place to stay,” Gretel stammered, terrified of his size.

“Well, what can you do for me?”

“Anything, we’ll do anything,” replied Hansel.

“All right, you man stay for the time being, granted you fulfill my one request. I am a professor and I have a heap of papers to grade as my TA’s are nowhere to be found. You must be harsh and extremely critical about these papers. No student must receive an A.”

With no other option, Hansel and Gretel acquiesced and sat upon the professor’s desk to start grading. Both Hansel and Gretel did what they were told and left unpleasant grades on the papers. A little while later, Gretel came upon a paper like no other—a paper that was written so spectacularly that she could not bear to give it anything less than an A.

“This paper is brilliant. I can’t give it a bad grade. What should I do?” she whispered to Hansel.

“Just do what the professor said. Do you want us to get into trouble?” Hansel replied.

Gretel gave the paper a miserable score and continued grading the rest. After a few hours, Hansel and Gretel finished grading all the papers.

“What should we do now, professor?”

“Ah, you’ve finished. Good! You see that computer over there? Put all the grades into the grade book on that computer. Those things are too complicated and I can never figure them out, so put those grades into that. I don’t know how to do it. I never use that thing anyway, but I’m sure you’re generation can figure it out,” the professor directed, in a tone of both awe and dismay.

Hansel and Gretel sat at the computer where they began recording the grades.

“Wait!” Hansel whispered. “The professor said he doesn’t use the computer, so why don’t we record the grades that the students deserve?”

Gretel agreed, and immediately pulled out the brilliant paper and gave it an A. Hansel followed, giving students grades worthy of their hard work. At last, Hansel and Gretel finished recording the grades, which were much fairer than before. Before shutting down the computer, Hansel thought of an idea to get back home. He went on the Internet and went to Google and mapped his direction home.

The next morning, Hansel and Gretel bade goodbye to the professor and walked back home, where they lived happily ever after with their parents.

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Snow White: A Modern Adaptation

Posted on September 19, 2013 | 2 comments

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a young lady whose beauty surpassed that of all the land. Her hair was as black as ebony and fell gracefully down her shoulders in utter perfection; her deep blue eyes sparkled against the redness of her lips and rosy cheeks. As she walked daintily on College Avenue in a lacy blue and yellow dress, everyone became humbled by her beauty and elegance.

Everyday for many years, a wicked woman asked her magic eight ball, “Who is the loveliest lady of them all?” and the reply was always “You are.” But one day, the magic eight ball answered, “Snow White is the loveliest in the land.” The wicked woman was furious and, wild with jealously, began plotting the downfall of her rival. Calling upon one of her trusted friends, the wicked woman bribed her with a substantial reward to take Snow White far away from campus and bring her downfall. The next day, the wicked woman’s friend led Snow White to the corner of campus but before she was to complete her task, her courage failed her and she ran away, leaving Snow White all alone.

Night came and frightened and cold, Snow White began to cry bitterly. She thought that she heard strange sounds and rustling noises around her, but alas, overcome by fatigue, she fell asleep under a tree.

Morning arrived and Snow White woke to the song of the birds, which were perched upon a large, beautiful house. Snow White realized how irrational her fears had been and pushed the door of the house open. “I wonder who lives here?” she thought to herself, peering around the empty room.

Snow White walked to the kitchen and decided to make some coffee and toast for the house’s residents. After setting the food on the table, Snow White walked to the sofa and fell asleep. A few hours later, a throng of girls walked into the house only to find a stranger sleeping on their couch. One of the girls gently touched Snow White to wake her up, explaining to her that she was in a sorority house and asking who she was.

Snow White sat up and told them her unfortunate story, and tears fell down the cheeks of every girl.

“Stay here with us!” one of the girls exclaimed. With nowhere to go, Snow White accepted the invitation and over the next few days, became very close friends with all of the girls in the house.

Meanwhile, the wicked woman became more and more infuriated as the eight ball showed, “Snow White is the loveliest in the land.” The wicked woman had heard about Snow White’s whereabouts and planned her revenge.

With the bitter cold weather coming upon the land, Snow White, among many others, developed a fever. The wicked woman saw her opportunity, placed a box of NyQuil in her pocket and walked quickly to frat row to perform her task.

Snow White was in the kitchen making tea when she heard knowing at the door.

“Who’s there?” she called suspiciously.

“I come to you as a friend. I heard you were very ill and I have brought you some medicine.”

“I don’t need any medicine, but thank you,” she replied.

“But this medicine is the best in the land.”

Overcome by her malady, Snow White opened the door slightly, took the box of medicine, waved the wicked woman goodbye, and swallowed the medicine.

An hour later, Snow White collapsed to the floor.

Meanwhile, Snow White’s friends were returning to the house only to hear loud thunder echoing through the valley. Worried about Snow White, they ran as quickly as they could to the house, where they found Snow White lying still and lifeless, with an empty box of NyQuil by her side.

“Oh no, she has taken too much NyQuil!” one friend observed, noticing the empty box of medicine that she deduced Snow White had finished.

“She should have taken DayQuil. Now she’ll never wake up!” screamed another friend.

Her friends wept by her side, but after a while, laid her on a bed of rose petals and carried her into the woods. That evening, the friends discovered a strange young man admiring Snow White through the woods. He approached them and suggested that Snow White ought to be taken to the Health Services Center where she may be revived. He then bent down, and kissed Snow White on the cheek. And then, by magic, Snow White opened her eyes in a hazy gaze, staring at the face of her savior, who told her the story of her revival. While hearing the story, Snow White blushed and thanked her friends and her savior for their doings. And from that day on, Snow White lived happily ever after.

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The Boy Who Called Police

Posted on September 12, 2013 | 2 comments

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a college student who sat on the sidewalk of frat row under a flickering lamppost. Despite his dimly lit surroundings, Wyatt watched as a line of people entered one of the frat houses, where deafening voices and sounds of crashing bottles grew against the party music that pervaded the streets. With no plans for the night, Wyatt decided to approach the frat house and wait in line, interested by the activity in the house.

After a two-hour wait in the frigid cold night, Wyatt was finally allowed to enter. Empty glass bottles lay everywhere, the music was blaring through the rooms, and no one seemed to be fully conscious of their actions and movements. To amuse himself, Wyatt took a great breath and sang out, “Police! Police! The police are coming!” Suddenly, the students began running around the room, discarding all glass bottles and drinks as quickly as their intoxication would let them.

“Quick, hide the pitcher under there!” screamed Wally.

“Carry George upstairs! He’s passed out on the couch!” shrieked one of the girls.

“Oh my god, are they going to kick me out? I have a 4.0 GPA and I’m president of three clubs and I’m going to law school and oh my god, I’m going to get kicked out,” Agnes stressed, as this was the first party she had ever attended.

After a few minutes, with the room cleared, everyone started waiting for the police. Fifteen minutes later, there was still no police in sight. Wyatt simply laughed at the sight of the blank, confused faces around the room and walked back to his dorm.

The next weekend, Wyatt stood in line of another party at a different frat house. Upon entering, the atmosphere reeked of intoxication as bodies flimsily moved around the room in futile effort to coordinate themselves. Within few minutes, Wyatt became bored at the party so to amuse himself, he took a great breath and sang out, “Police! Police! The police are coming!” The students clumsily rushed across the room, attempting to hide any evidence that would compromise their futures.

“Just put everything under the sofa!” bellowed Willy, who was under limited thinking capacity.

“Let’s all hide upstairs!” hollered Wayne, who suffered a similar condition to Willy.

Within a few minutes, the room was relatively clean and the students sat in anticipation of the police. After waiting almost twenty minutes, the students became irate and flustered by the false alarm. Wyatt laughed to himself as he walked back to his dorm.

The following weekend, Wyatt stood in line for a party at yet another frat house. Drinks were scattered on the floor and table as Wyatt helped himself to one. Will.I.Am’s “Scream and Shout” hit was being played as almost unconscious bodies attempted to dance to the beat. After an fifteen minutes, Wyatt became bored and to amuse himself, he took a great breath and sang out, “Police! Police! The police are coming!” Not a single body flinched as they all continued their own activities and dalliances. The news of false police alarms had spread through frat row, making everyone immune to the potential threat. Wyatt shrugged his shoulders as he accepted another drink, hoping to enjoy the party later in the night.

Less than an hour later, police sirens started blaring from a few streets away. Wyatt took a great breath and sang out, “Police! Police! The police are coming!” By that time of night, most were intoxicated beyond function and the remaining few were too resistant to Wyatt’s false alarms that they simply continued their activities. And slowly, the sirens became louder and louder. But it was too late. No one had time to move, clean, or eat and simply stood in paralyzing fear of the consequence. The police entered the door and had everyone arrested for underage consumption, including Wyatt.

As the officer walked Wyatt out of the house, he said, “It’s funny. I heard somewhere that there was a boy who called police and no one came. Guess people should have listened to him now. Nobody believes a liar, even when he’s telling the truth.”

Wyatt vowed to never lie again.

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The Three Little Pigs: The Modern Adaptation

Posted on September 5, 2013 | 4 comments

Everybody loves to read classic fairytales, which in many ways, makes us feel like kids again. So, in this blog, I explore many fairytales and adapt their story lines to be more reflective of our own generation and the issues we face on a day-to-day basis. Hope you enjoy!

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived three little pigs named Xavier, Galan, and Clark.  The three little pigs were ready to begin their journey to college, but there was one problem: they couldn’t afford a dorm room. So before they began their travels, the three little pigs resolved to build their own homes.

“Don’t forget to build your homes before the weather gets bad!” shrieked Mama Pig as the three little pigs hurried out the door.

 

Some days passed, and the three little pigs continued to procrastinate on building their homes.

“Build your houses! You know how unpredictable the weather is out there!” scolded Mama Pig.

“But Mom,” squealed Clark, the youngest of the three, “we still have a month of summer left!”

“But still,” Mama Pig replied, “you remember your poor father? He never paid attention to the weather and before he knew it, the big bad storm was after him, huffing and puffing and blowing his house down. All that was left of him—I can hardly say it—was a pile of sausage links! You never know what big bad storms can do out there!”

“C’mon Ma, we got like a month left. Jeez, just chill,” muttered Galan, the middle child, in an air of rebellion.

“Don’t you dare use that tone against me, Galan!

“Mama’s right,” Xavier, the eldest of the brothers, remarked gruffly, “we should listen to her. I’m going to start building my house tomorrow.”

“That’s my favorite boy!” Mama Pig said beaming with pride as Galan and Clark rolled their eyes. “Get your brothers to do the same!”

The next afternoon, Xavier shut himself in the HUB and began planning the layout for his home. Of course, Galan and Clark resisted their mother’s warnings and spent their time chasing women, instagramming their experiences, and streaming Facebook.

“Look Galan, Wayne’s in a relationship with Raven! This is like his third girlfriend this week!” exclaimed Clark while going through his newsfeed.

“Lex posted his pictures from the party!” Galan said, liking the picture. “Come here, Xavier! Come see the pictures!”

“Can’t you see I’m drawing the layout for my house?” Xavier barked, troubled by his brothers’ lack of initiative. “The measurements for this house are the parameters for its success. I have to make them perfect; otherwise, it won’t stand a chance. Anyways, I don’t have the time for all your nonsense. Why don’t you stop wasting your time and start working on your houses before the erratic weather comes around?”

Gavin shrugged, “Nawh, man. We have time.”

Weeks passed and Galan and Clark were still deeply engrossed in watching YouTube videos of the VMA’s, going to parties, and tweeting. In the land far, far away, where they lived, however, the weather was known to be extremely temperamental, having the ability to defy weather forecasts and cast a grim shadow of doubt on every passerby who stares up at the sky. Legend had it that the skies on these college grounds were controlled by a celestial force named Magneto, who had the ability to change weather in a matter of seconds, from rain, to hail, to sun, to snow, to sleet, to fog. But it was still summer, so Galan and Clark rid themselves of any stress and continued with their leisure activities.

Meanwhile, Xavier diligently began building his home brick by brick. Glancing over to Galan and Clark, Xavier sighed and shook his head is dismay. “They’ll be screwed.”

 

The next afternoon was a quaint summer day with delightfully optimistic weather reports. As Galan and Clark embarked to go to the creamery, they felt a gust of wind blow from the east. Galan shivered and nudged Clark. “Dude, maybe we should get started on building our houses. It’s pretty cold.” Craving some Peachy Paterno ice cream, Clark replied, “You go ahead. I’m going to get my ice cream.”

So Galan began the trek south when he eventually entered McLanahan’s and met Gary, the storekeeper.

“Hello, Galan! Can I help you with anything? I hear the weather’s going to be an unpredictable one this year. News is that Magneto’s going to be pretty vicious this time around!”

Galan rolled his eyes, “Oh that’s what they say every year. It’s never that bad.”

“Well, you better start preparing, son. Look what happened to your father…” Gary warned ominously.

“All right, Gary,” muttered Galan. “He sounds just like my mother,” he thought to himself. Walking down the aisle, Galan spotted a pile of wooden sticks. “Ah, just the thing to build my house with!” Grabbing a few dozen sticks, Galan went to the front to pay.

“Building your house, I see. Are you sure these sticks will be sturdy enough?” inquired the cashier. “How about using some bricks, like your brother? You should get them while they’re still in stock.”

“Nawh, bricks take too much effort. I like the sticks. Besides, I don’t get what all this fuss about the weather’s about. It’s never that bad.”

 “Okay, well I’m just letting you know,” the cashier said with a smile as Galan left the store.

 

“And today we’ll have a high of 90 and a low of 76. Perfect weather for any of your summer time activities!” Clark heard on the TV as he ate nutella and cookies. He stepped outside the HUB when he was struck by a heavy gust of chilly wind. Clark started to get worried. “Maybe this could be a bad one…” he thought to himself as he sprinted to McLanahan’s as fast as his stubby pig legs could carry him.

“So what’s on sale, Gary?” Clark heaved as he walked in.

“Well, we’re sold out of wood, bricks, sticks, and nutella, but we do have a pile of hay.”

With limited time and depleted options, Clark purchased the hay, reassuring himself that nothing would actually happen. Since a hay house was easy to build, it gave Clark plenty of time to watch another season of “Big Bang Theory” before starting construction. He smiled and said to himself, “This shouldn’t take more than a couple of hours…”

 

In the meantime, Xavier finished building his study brick house, complete with a lovely fireplace to keep him warm from the turbulent weather and blistering winds. While Xavier sat by his fireplace watching “How I Met Your Mother,” Galan worked ruthlessly to finish his home. “This is tougher than I imagined,” thought Galan as he delicately placed one stick on top of the other. “But once I’m done, this will be impenetrable” he mused. With the weather becoming extremely erratic, Galan finally finished his stick house and sat inside. Checking his twitter feed, Galan read all the tweets from the past hour, amused by how many #collegeweatherproblems #noumbrellaintherain #toohotforajackettoocoldforacardigan problems his friends were facing. Turning off his phone, Galan lay down to take a much-needed nap, thinking, “Once I wake up, this thing will blow over and we’ll have actual summer weather again.”

Little did Galan know from up above, Magneto was stealthily watching, enraged by his nonchalance. “Just wait and see. In a few days, I’ll huff and puff and blow his measly house down!”

 

Three days passed and Clark could certainly feel an atmosphere suggestive of Magneto’s wrath. Despite it being summer, trees swayed from side to side, the lights flickered ominously, the skies cast a dark glow, and it became unbearably cold. Feeling the rush for time, Clark hastily clumped his hay together and stacked the tied bundles on top of another. “It won’t matter…The storm should only be a small one, anyways,” Clark assured himself. As night befell, a quilt of black clouds blanketed the skies and the city felt empty.

That night, the three little pigs settled in their homes, Xavier in his house made of bricks, Galan in his house made of sticks, and Clark in his house made of hay. Clark was playing Xbox, oblivious to the roaring winds outside his home. Suddenly, the lights began to flicker. The furnace made vicious sounds, and an eerie silence engulfed the home. “This is getting kind of creepy. I should call Galan to see how he’s doing,” he thought. Before he could do anything, a large tree slammed into the wall and the lights shut off. Everything was pitch dark. Groping around for a flashlight, Clark stumbled over the wires, books, and clothes that were scattered messily all over the floor. Opening his bedside drawer, Clark pulled out his flashlight, pressed the button, only to realize that the battery was out. “Damn it! I forgot to buy more batteries!” cried Clark in the dark. The winds were getting even stronger in what was supposed to be summertime, and he was a scared. Suddenly, he heard a knock on the door.

“Little pig, little pig, let me in,” a voice said.

“Wh-who’s th-there?” stuttered Clark.

“It’s me, Magneto,” the voice replied.

“I’m n-not scared,” said Clark, squeezing himself into a ball.

“Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to huff and puff and blow your house down!” A gust of wind rammed into the house, and the walls of hay came crashing down. When Clark peeped out from under his hand, he saw nothing put little pieces of hay scattered around him. He yelped, jumped, and started running as fast as his stubby pig legs could carry him up the road to Galan’s house.

Galan was just playing solitaire when he heard Clark calling outside. “Galan, Galan, help!”

Panting, Clark cried out, “It-it’s Magneto! He’s coming after me!” Burying himself in Galan’s arms, he cried, “Galan, I don’t want to end up as a pile of sausage links!”

Galan replied, “It’s okay. You’re safe here. Magneto can’t do anything to us.”

“Sure I can,” a voice called from just outside the door.

All the blood drained from Galan’s face.

“Well? Aren’t you going to let me in?” called the voice outside.

“No!” screamed Clark and Galan.

“Well, then, I’m going to huff and puff and blow your house down!” The winds picked up, slamming against the walls. The ceiling creaked and the roof flew off the house.

Galan and Clark hugged each other. Soon, the house was nothing but a pile of sticks. “Quick!” shouted Galan, “To Xavier’s!” Down the road they went, running as fast as their stubby pig legs could carry them.

Comfortable in his home, Xavier stretched out on his chair and was reading “50 Shades of Grey”. He was on the third chapter when he heard Galan and Clark calling, “Xavier, Xavier! Hurry! Get us in before Magneto gets us!”

“Oh, god. I knew this was going to happen,” Xavier muttered. Getting up, he walked over and let his brothers in.

“Magneto blew our houses down! He’s coming to get us!” cried Galan and Clark.

“Well, that’s what you get for procrastinating!” rebuked Xavier, infuriated by his brothers’ stupidity.

“Little pigs, little pigs…” Magneto called from outside the window. Galan and Clark crouched beneath Xavier’s bed, their faces pale and trembling with fear.

“Open up, pork chops! I’m going to come get you!” roared Magneto. The three little pigs lost all feeling in their squiggly tails, carefully retreating into a corner. Ignoring their wails, Magneto huffed and she puffed and the trees shook. Drawing in a lungful of air, Magneto blew with all his might. The air slammed into the walls, and yet, nothing happened. The house stood sturdy and strong. “This time it will tip, “ thought Magneto. He huffed, and He puffed, but the house did not budge.

With this, Magneto left the premises furiously, destroying everything in his path. The three little pigs jumped for joy. This time, Galan and Clark would be diligent, preparing for everything well in advance. “No more hay and sticks, guys!” smiled Xavier and the three little pigs lived happily ever after.

 

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