Is Love Really All We Need?

Driving Question: What is the difference between sex and gender, and how do these two characteristics factor into/formulate an individual’s gender identity?

“Can it be
I’m not meant to play this part.
Now I see
That if I were truly to be myself
I would break my family’s heart.
Why is my reflection
Someone I don’t know
Somehow I cannot hide
Who I am though I’ve tried
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside..
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside.”

“Why is my reflection someone I don’t know?” Mulan’s words ring true in the hearts of many–not only children and adults who can’t get enough of the classic Disney movie, but also of transgender teens fighting desperately to convey what’s on the inside on the outside. For those who do not know, the most recent medical definition of someone who is transgender MTF (Male to Female) or FTM (Female to Male) is: “the state of one’s gender identity (self-identification as woman, man, neither or both) or gender expression not matching one’s assigned sex.” It is truly a real world struggle in their day to day lives.

  • LGBT teens have higher rates of anxiety and depression than the general population.
  • 84% of openly LGBT students have witnessed or been a victim themselves of homophobic bullying.
  • LGBT youth usually fear isolation and a lack of family support.

Taking these general statistics into account, also consider these ones that are specific to transgender individuals.

  • 1 in 3 transgender youths have attempted suicide.
  • 58% of transgender teens admitted to having suicidal thoughts.

And that’s the harsh reality of it.

How could this happen? How could we all let this happen, let these numbers jump to such extremes? What happened? Where did we go wrong? As philosopher John Wooden would say, “It’s the little things that are vital. Little things make big things happen” and these little things right here are exactly what builds up to trigger severe depression and blatant turns to the knife. Everything is so much more complicated in the life of a transgender individual: relationships, bathrooms, school, family, social networks, and even clothes. Not being able to relate to cisgendered (those who self-identity with their assigned sex) people. Feeling constantly out of place where there is female and male segregation. Being bullied for trying to live with themselves. Not being understood by anyone. Having such a long time to wait for change. Parents not being supporting of them and not trying to understand. Having to second guess almost everything they do. Having to deal with an entire list of derogatory terms. Being surrounded by a society filled with transphobia, and a whole score of seemingly innocent people who don’t even realize the additions they are making to it. And when they’ve finally had a really good day, then they come home, get undressed, and become faced with their biggest problem of all, the one that they have tried for days, weeks, months, or years to eliminate or to suppress in an effort to be labeled as “normal”.

This brings to mind recent developments in the LGBT community concerning transgender individuals such as the emotionally loaded release of the album, ‘Transgender Dysphoria Blues’ from a band called “Against Me!” (thanks for the link, Kyle) and the passage of the California law allowing for students to choose which gender sport team they would like to be on and which bathroom they would like to use in accordance with their gender identity, rather than their assigned sex (if the two do not correlate), but the progress doesn’t stop there. Bringing us to our most heated recent debate is the way Katie from the talk show, Katie Couric made dashingly invasive and scathing remarks against her interviewees, Carmen Carrera, a popular transgender model and Orange is the New Black’s talented actress, Laverne Cox. And as the summary above briefly states, “what was advertised as a platform for these two talented and charming ladies to talk about the projects they are working on and transgender issues, quickly devolved into an awkward inquisition about their genitals led by the host” (Mey).

Carmen Carrera on the left, Katie Couric in the middle, and Laverne Cox on the right.
Carmen Carrera on the left, Katie Couric in the middle, and Laverne Cox on the right.

Katie insistently references the pair were “born as men, and that’s why they’re on our show” Excuse me, miss, but how unprofessional can you possibly be? Oh, but it all gets better. Trust me. After an uncomfortable dive into an uncensored discussion about Carrera’s genitals, the latter only says, “after the transition there’s still life to live, I still have my career goals, I still have my family goals.” Clearly, there is more to this woman than her assigned sex and her transition; she is not a subject to be examined like an amoeba under a microscope. No, she is a living, breathing human being, and a beautiful woman at that.

It wasn’t long before Couric picked back up on the ever-pressing, “genitalia question” with Cox and finally received a tiny dose of the truth of the problem that has been plaguing the relationship between the transgender community and the cisgender majority for decades, “…the preocupation with genitalia and transition objectifies trans* women and distracts us from the real issues” (Mey). Some of those issues were mentioned above.

Contrary to popular belief, (especially to those beliefs of Katie Couric’s…yuck) neither sex nor sexuality makes up an identity for a person. It is a person’s choice of who they want to be, and the only person that can decide that for them is themselves. The point I’m trying to make is that everyone looks so different on the outside, but no one knows exactly how someone else feels on the inside. For example, a bystander may laugh at a passing lesbian because she looks a little “butch”, a term socially constructed to define a woman who physically appears a bit masculine, but even then, she may feel completely content with her gender as female. We can’t know for certain, and chances are, we will never know. Perhaps, in reference to my original question above, I’m seeing now that gender identity may be some mix of the expectations of a person’s assigned sex, and of their gender identity, too, or even a blend of the two, rather than variables independent of one another. The Katie article has shown me that the individual’s perception of their assigned sex, the expectations they have of themselves, and of the expectations that society has on them can also have enormous impacts on the shaping of gender identity. External factors beyond definitely do seem like they contribute. Regardless of hypotheticals, maybe one day, if we all respect these differences between gender identity and sex, and that sex doesn’t necessarily define who a person is, then all those whose reflections in the crystal pool don’t exactly match who they truly are inside, will finally be able to bring out their true selves without fear of judgment, violence, and abandonment. I know that day is coming.

Stop the hate, and save a life. Together, we can.

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3 Responses to Is Love Really All We Need?

  1. Jeremy says:

    This post was really thought-provoking, especially for me not knowing much about transgenders in general. I have to agree with what has been said, I think the last paragraph is where you found the most success and interesting ideas. The pressures surrounding the individual can sometimes even matter more than the sentiments inside. I’m so shocked at the numbers you provided, and I can’t believe that nothing more is being done to attack the problem. Eye-opening post for me and I’m sure many others, keep it up!

  2. Nick says:

    I agree with Sarah: I’d be interested to watch the Katie interview. From what you described, I certainly think it sounds like it was a quite unprofessional. But perhaps (unfortunately) it’s a bit representative of where we are as a society in terms of learning about the LGTBQ community. There’s a long way to go, and I think you’re blog is helping that process move forward bit by bit.

  3. Sarah Bevilacqua says:

    Out of curiosity, do you have the link to the Katie article? I’m curious as to why she had these two women on her show if she either is a) unaccepting or b) seriously uninformed. Either way, I enjoyed reading your whole article, but I really liked where you were going with the last paragraph. I think ideally gender identity is what the individual feels, but in reality society affects it a lot. That’s a cool topic, and it’d be really interesting if you dove further into it.

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