How about the weather we’ve been having? Where are you from? Do you have any siblings? What’s your major? What’s your favorite team?
We ask people these questions every day (even more now at the start of the school year), and we answer them with the same boring answers every time (“Hey this guy’s an engineer! Wow don’t get many of those here!”). Always shallow and inoffensive, our conversation is all too often like our relationships. We ask people questions to find answers we don’t care about, and we define people by the simple titles they reveal to us. Tom’s an accountant. Jim’s a doctor. Kevin’s a trash collector. Aren’t we all more than our occupations or majors?
Small talk and shallow relationships bore me. If I want to get to know you, I want to really know you, not just your favorite TV show or what you ate for breakfast. I don’t think I’mthe only one bored with the shallowness in our conversations. Sites like Humans of New York have become incredibly popular because they show the struggles and triumphs of people, through stories that we all can relate to. Brandon Stanton (the photographer behind HONY) asks tough questions that force people to bare their souls, questions like “What’s your greatest fear?” and “What is the happiest moment of your life?.” Our conversations show that we forget that people have fears and failures, and joy and triumph. Let’s stop it.
Ask those simple questions, but don’t stop there. Remember that people are struggling and succeeding, they’re faltering and fighting; but they’re human too. Talk about religion, politics, and money; ask questions that will bring an answer that interests you. Don’t be afraid to offend. If you say “How’s it going?” care about the answer. Most of all, don’t forget in your conversation that the people you talk with are human too; and if they matter they won’t be offended by the real you.
I think people shy away from deep questions because they feel like they don’t want to infringe on someone’s privacy when first meeting them. However, I would like more people to follow up with deeper questions the second time you see someone instead of the usual, “hey, how’s it going?”
I feel that conversations like, “hey what’s your name and major?” are the only conversations I’m having around campus. And of course the where are you from, because of my accent. I tried to talk about other “deep” topics with people and they seem freaked out, like “why are you asking me this?” Maybe it is because people don’t like to talk a lot about “deep” things with anyone, anymore, maybe they feel uncomfortable. But, I do agree that we need to start expanding our conversation topics.
I agree! I always find myself asking people where they’re from or where they live on campus. But why do those things matter? It’s not as if I would like someone more or less depending on where they live. I’m tired of these questions as well. I will also start asking the real questions that get people to think.