Last week, I made the tough decision to step down as the president of SMART. I had been grappling with this decision for quite some time, and it was through this trying time that I was able to learn a lot about myself and what I value as a leader.
If one were to look at my past blogs over my time in PLA, it is no secret that I love SMART. I credit this organization with being the reason why I decided to come to Penn State and I truly found my purpose at Penn State through my involvement with the org. I was so fulfilled being a member of SMART, it never seemed like a burden to do the numerous things ask of me on behalf of the organization. However, last year, I started to notice a change. I was the vice-president then, and questioned a few times if I wanted to quit. I noticed that I started disliking the org, but I think I blamed it on the people that I was working with at the time. Therefore, when it came time to run for President, many people looked to me because of my love for SMART. I was also interested in becoming president because I looked forward to having some more control and wanted to make a significant difference in an organization that I loved. It was shortly into the fall semester that those feelings of disliking SMART started to resurface.
As I look back on my conflicting feelings, I now realize I never should have run for president. I should have taken into consideration how I was feeling last year and thought more deeply before I decided to run. I knew last year that my love for SMART was changing. But being the type of person that I am, quitting is never an option. I would rather struggle through something and finish than to quit. I am a firm believer in purpose, and I thought that there was a bigger purpose or reason why I was put in the situation to be SMART’s president. I was convinced that there was something that I was supposed to get our of this experience. Now that I look at it, the lesson that I’ve learned from this situation is that sometimes, to effectively be a leader, it is best to listen to your heart and consider your own feelings with care and sensitivity.
I had to quit SMART because I was not being the type of leader that I pride myself on. To me, being a leader is not necessarily about having the loudest voice or making all of the decisions, but about setting an example. I don’t believe that my leadership skills should be more evident in my words than they are in my actions. Moreover, leadership to me is about making a difference and leaving something better than you found it. Because I was growing to dislike SMART more and more during my time in the organization, I was not setting an example or making the organization better. I wasn’t giving the org my all anymore because I just didn’t love it anymore. I have learned that it is okay to love an organization and recognize what it has given you, but that it is okay to walk away from the organization as well. To me, if I cannot be an effective leader, I would rather not stay in a situation and “waste space.” I have learned that I might need to improve on how I work with others and communicate with them. I, honestly, was not getting along as well as I hoped with my executive board. It seemed we were not on the same page, so that made leading the organization in a certain direction difficult. So coupling all of these factors together, it just made my time in SMART more miserable than enjoyable.
SMART really has taught me a lot about being a leader and has helped me understand what I value most. I have definitely learned that, to be an effective leader, I need to put myself first (or at least consider myself and my feelings). I value my integrity and sticking to what I believe in, and when I am in a situation that forces me to contradict that, I find that it is better to walk away than to pretend or hold on to something that is no longer. Leaving SMART was arguably, one of the hardest decisions I have made as a leader, but I believe it was for the best, for myself and for the organization.
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