I found this letter a few days ago on my laptop when I was deleting some old documents. I remember the day I wrote it. I was in class and the professor had aggravated me to an extent I couldn’t hold back. So I turned to my keypad and let loose. I never printed the letter and gave it to the instructor because I was still scared.

I copied it below because I thought it would be an interesting read for others. I replaced the name of the instructor with “professor.” I may have been angry at the time, but I still have respect for them. I did not change a single word of the letter other than the instructor’s name.

Anyway, if you have any lingering thoughts after reading, feel free to leave them below.

Professor,

I finished class today with a number of thoughts circling in my head. I believe this is the second or third time you have asked for a gay volunteer, and each time I have had the overwhelming urge to run down to the front, grab the microphone, and say “Yes, I am openly gay.”

But you see Professor, I can’t. I can’t do that because I am not openly gay. I am still stuck in the closet, the same one that I have been cramped in my entire life and I still haven’t found an easy way out.

Today in class when you had everyone (the homosexual students I mean) at the front of the class and started asking them questions, I slowly became aggravated. Sure this was typical for me. I was used to suppressing natural feelings to sympathize and empathize openly on matters like this because no one knew this was actually how I felt. But this aggravation stemmed from something else – a lack of understanding. I am not saying you do not understand Professor. I believe you portray yourself to be stupid sometimes so that you can have students engage in dialogue. But I was aggravated at the students in the class listening. Being gay is not easy. It is not something you wake up knowing one day and say to yourself ‘Man, today is a great day to come out.’

No. Society, family, friends, teachers, classmates, they all push you into this closet and lock away the key so your true self can never see the light of day. It is this lack of understanding, this lack of knowing this is something that is inscribed in me, that is what aggravates me.

You asked each of the individuals up front when they first began to notice they liked someone of the same sex and people began answering “Oh 6^th grade,” “Oh 2^nd grade definitely.” Well my question to you Professor would be ‘When did you start to realize that you liked girls?’

I know it’s an odd question, but it is meant to be that way. You may answer ‘Well that’s the way its always been dude. I never really thought about it,’ and I would respond ‘Same.’ My feelings towards the same sex have always been known, it’s just a matter of how best I could hide them at the time. Key phrase as a kid: fake it til you make it.

So what’s my point Professor? Why am I taking the time to write to you? Well, I want to deliver a message on behalf of all of the closeted students in class that are also not ready to break open that lock and let the world see who we truly are. My message is this – We are all around you. Every day you interact with someone who is a closeted gay. If you were to tell class to look around, at least ten of them would lock eyes with a gay person who hasn’t opened up his or her true feelings quite yet. I, for one, am in there, pretending right now that there is no way in Hell I am this mystery letter-writer who hides behind a door. I am completely normal, just like you. I am completely straight, just like you. There will come a day when it is my time to open up to my family and friends, but I’m not quite ready for that day to be today. 

I am gay Professor, and I am okay with saying that. Just not to the whole world yet. 

With best regards, 

The closeted kid in the 16th row