I’ve participated in Relay for Life for five years now, and every year I go into it with the same goal: walk the equivalent of a marathon. 26 miles, plus an extra lap. I have reached this goal every year, and often surpass it. In fact, this year I reached 30 miles. I’m accustomed to people not even realizing that I’m doing this and allowing me the freedom and independence to just walk for as long as I feel like walking. However, this year I actually had to deal with many people asking me why I insisted on walking even more and why I kept going even when I was sore and tired and knew that I would be limping by the evening. So, I contemplated those questions for a few dozen laps around the HUB lawn this weekend.
The first thing that comes to mind is my history with participating on a Relay team. Like I said, I’m used to people letting me do my thing at Relay for Life. In high school I was the ‘team captain’ of the team for my community service club for two years, which meant it was my responsibility to ensure at least one person from our team was walking at all times during the 24-hour event. Realistically, it meant that I was constantly paying attention and whenever nobody from my team was walking of their own volition, I would hop up and start circling the track. It meant that when I didn’t feel included in the group enough to participate in their late-night games and chatting sessions, I would just disengage and walk through the night instead. Nobody cared that I chose to handle the team in that way—it meant they got community service hours for hanging out with their friends on a nice night in June, it meant I didn’t have to nag people who would just as soon ignore me and cut me out of their friendship, and it meant my team followed all of Relay’s rules. It also meant that I walked for miles pretty easily—what else was I going to do?
When I came to Penn State and started participating in Relay with Springfield, I realized that there was no effort made to enforce the rule that every team must have a representative on the track on all times. I also realized my freshman year that I still didn’t quite feel included with the rest of the group. I didn’t feel comfortable shivering in the tent or slowly walking in a large group of people or playing soccer or doing any of the other activities with the group. To me, the purpose of Relay is to walk, and the time I spent trying to enjoy any of the other activities my freshman year felt wrong. And so, I found myself out (mostly alone) from midnight-6 am that year. There was another Springfielder who ran 10 miles in the middle of the night that year and then went to bed, and there was a pair of upperclassmen who came at around 5:30 and walked with me for a while until I left, but otherwise I was on my own. And honestly, I really enjoyed it. There was something about the quiet late-night reflection and the determination to keep walking alongside the flickering luminarias that has made that night in particular stick with me even two years later. Most people in Springfield didn’t even know I existed until the meeting that night, when one of those upperclassmen who found me half-asleep circling the track at sunrise told everybody about how I had walked through the night alone. That’s how some upperclassmen (and people in my class) first knew about me. Last year, I wanted to keep up my pattern of walking a ridiculous distance at Relay, but I also found myself getting caught up in the competition to get the highest number of steps. This year I was part of a challenge, yes, but I was more focused on my personal goal: walk a marathon.
Probably the bigger reason than “It’s just what I’ve always done” is something that I’ve already touched on—primarily walking at Relay just feels right. Yes, the planned activities and time to bond with your team are fun and I am fully capable of recognizing that. I know that not everybody can walk for 24 hours straight and it is important to have a variety of options to keep everybody entertained and excited. However, I am always wary of those activities taking away from my personal experience of walking. I love the opportunity for the personal and independent reflection. When else do you have the excuse to walk in circles late at night and think about the people you love? (okay I suppose you could do that whenever you wanted, but people would think you were crazy if you did it any other night). Hours of walking together at Relay have had a role in forming two of the closest friendships I have at Penn State, and that is so important to me. It provides the opportunity to talk about anything and everything in a dyadic situation, or to simply have company and support while you walk in silence and think. I can’t fully describe the experience to somebody who hasn’t pushed themselves to keep walking in circles while it is dark and cold outside, but I can tell you that it makes you feel grateful and determined all at the same time. As tired and sore and blistered and sunburnt as I am at the end of Relay, I usually end the weekend reinvigorated to keep pushing after the lull since THON, and this year is no exception. I’m proud of my 30 miles and I know that the hours spent walking were worth it, for the time I spent talking to my friends and the time I spent walking and thinking on my own, even if I can’t really explain it.
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