Click here for trigger warnings, a little bit of vulnerability, understanding failures, and recognizing new opportunities in life *smiley emoji* 

This week’s post goes out to those who feel like they’ve given it their all and have yet to come out on top. To those who’ve been surrounded by success and accomplishments, but haven’t yet found their own worth. Maybe it somehow relates to those who’ve had a full proof plan and are on their path to success without issue or interruption. If you’re the latter, congratulations, I’m truly proud of you and urge you to keep reading because the information might be applicable in the future. For now, those on the when-you -try-your-best-but-you-don’t-succeed train? This is for y’all (am I the conductor…?).

I’m a planning person. I’ve always been and though faulty at times, will likely always be. I love a good color coded planner with time slots allotted to mini daily accomplishments. I like to think bigger, constantly weighing life goals and drawing a pathway to future successes. I’ve always planned to continue after undergrad, finding value in higher education, specifically in that of public policy and the law.

4 years of undergraduate education. 3 years of law school. Bo$$ lady job. Dog. House. Family. One after the other. No timeouts, no fast forwards, and no rewinds.

I was running through my undergraduate career just fine. Disclaimer: just fine as if I didn’t have two life altering trips to the hospital induced by physical — and let’s be honest, probably mental— stress. Just fine as if I wasn’t continuously overwhelmed with meeting academic expectations while holding not one but two internships. Just fine as if I didn’t regularly doubt my intelligence after surrounding myself with even smarter people who are going to go on to change the world (I’m actually beyond proud of my friends and can’t wait to see what impact they leave on this earth). Regardless, I was rolling through my undergraduate career with relative ease, making strides, and most importantly, following my timeline.

Somewhere deep down, in a dark abyss, or maybe just in the back of my head, I understood the importance of having a plan B, C, and D. I always told myself, “If this doesn’t work out, your internship has a job offer that other people would kill to have” and “Plan C? That’s someone’s plan A so you can’t even go wrong!” Despite having numerous backup plans, and even speaking openly about other options (in reality, to guard the sense of shame that I felt/would feel if/when my initial plan didn’t work), I never fully prepared myself for the sense of failure that hit me like a brass knuckle punch to the face this week.

I’m not talking about the generic, “woe is me, I’ll have to try again tomorrow” failure. I’m talking about the, “let’s pretend this is fine when it’s really not, don’t let them see your tears, this just might be the end of the world as we know it,” (short version: self-depreciation) failure. After months and months of studying, assuming that I was giving my all, dedicating so much time and energy, and sharing my plans with others, I discovered that I’d have to reevaluate my personal timeline and put some goals on the back-burner.

I’m approaching this in a rather ambiguous way, being vulnerable and sharing that I haven’t made any complete decisions; however, it seems as though entering law school, something I’ve been passionate about for years, will not begin directly after my spring graduation. I’d only ever been willing to accept Plan A. Now that things weren’t “looking up” I didn’t know what to do with myself except equate my poor performance (caused by general anxiety, fatigue, and all around doing too much at once) with my ability to succeed, my intelligence level, and even my self worth. Flying toward a state of depression, I did my best to heed the wise words of others.

Despite the seriousness of the matter, I’m actually laughing a bit. I can’t even give you a reason as to why I felt like(and sometimes still feel like) a gap year at my dream job would be frowned upon. I was saddened at an unrealistic scenario that I’d dreamt up, explaining to others, “See that was my original plan but then I realized my test taking ability is bad and even though I’m an overall good applicant, standardized tests are a scam.”

I’ve sat through too many phone calls with people saying one thing doesn’t define me and everyone goes through a storm before they reach their place of solitude. I even sat through the less liked, “you’re smart, it can’t be that bad” and “pick yourself up by the (broken) bootstraps and stop dwelling on this” advice.

In all of this, I’ve come to the realization that I’d put too much stress on myself trying to live up to standards that weren’t even created for me. I was too busy adhering to my timeline to take a break and give myself a breather. I was relying on the comparison game, deciding, “if so and so can go straight through than I can and must too!”

I’d categorized what is likely a blessing to be free from academics and an opportunity to do other things that I love as a failure. A firm believer in everything happens for a reason, I’m learning to accept this detour in the overall life plan. I’m taking this as a sign of the best is yet to come, straying away from negativity, knowing that I can and will overcome any setback (if we even want to call it that) thrown at me. Just because I don’t necessarily see the light at the end of the tunnel doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Now that I’ve given you enough metaphors I can make things clear.

To those I addressed in the beginning — the things we categorize as failures may be necessary to our path of becoming who we’re destined to be. Don’t put expiration dates on your goals and aspirations. A number of things may arise throughout life and in my optimistic view, the challenges only make us greater.

This isn’t to say I’ve 100% accepted my current position, as unexpectedly expected as it is, but I’m learning and trying to look forward to the path in which it leads. I categorized it as a failure, but what if it’s a actually a victory?