These past few weeks I have been learning a lot about love through my wonderful mans Anthony as well as my very close friends and I thought it would be important to share what I have learned.

For myself I always thought I knew what love was. I have been in many relationships and during a majority of them my boyfriends and I have told each other that we loved each other. But I have realized now that there are many types of love. There is love where you love the person as a friend, but a romantic future is not really there.  Lust can also feel very much like love and can cloud your mind and judgements. I have been in relationships where I thought love was when you could not get enough of the other person where I turned into a shell of myself to try to fit in and adapt into the other persons life. To love was to be someone perfect in the eyes of my boyfriend. Someone who they could be proud of, but their love was also a necessity for me to love them. I thought love was when a person was completely and utterly obsessed with me to a point that it was unhealthy. I thought love was when someone else loved me, so I loved them just because they gave me compliments and made me feel good. Love was said through words but the actions were never followed through. Love was an array of fights that always ended up being my fault. I thought love was when times were good you felt like you were on fire and when times were bad tears flowed for days and meals were skipped.

But now I know what love is. Love is balance. Love is when you treat your partner with kindness and respect. Love is encouraging the other person to be the best they can be even if that means sacrificing your time together. When two people are truly in love silence is present at times, but it is never scary or hard. Love is trust, trust with friends, trust with ex’s, trust with decision making. Love is not trying to change someone or change yourself, it is when you care for each other flaws in all. Love is when your heart glows every time you see that person whether it’s after 30 minutes apart are two weeks. Love is sometimes sacrificing some of your time to be there for another person because you know they would do the same for you. Love is seeing a future.  Love is feeling safe with the other person.

But what I have learned from my friends recently is that love cannot just be lust. Love is not good sex. Love is not yelling, and screaming, and feeling unsafe. Love is not fighting all the time. There can be no love without trust and support. You cannot have love when your significant other dislikes your siblings or friends. Love is not talking about a future but refusing to commit to one another. It is not true love if they leave you when times get rough.

Love is complex and it is difficult at times to achieve, but I feel as though it is important to remember that the best way to learn how to love someone else is to love yourself. Loving myself was the first step I took to finding happiness and it has made me not only appreciate all the lessons I have learned from past relationships, but it also has helped me to finally have a healthy relationship. Being able to be happy with myself and happy on my own took away my fear of loneliness and solitude. Now that I know I can survive and be happy alone I do not have to fear rejection. I will enjoy the time I am spending with my significant other and although I want it to workout, if it doesn’t, I know I will be fine.