Describe your communication style.
I absolutely have an assertive communication style. Growing up in Central PA with the “mennonite culture,” famously passive and even passive aggressive, I have spent a lot of time in my life working on being more healthily assertive. A large impetus for this change was my years as an entrepreneur in a few accelerators, where I realized that many ill-informed and ill-intentioned people would walk on others, just due to having stronger personalities. In order to not get walked on, I had to cultivate a more assertive nature; previously, I had been very “go with the flow.”
I realized later in life that a lot of it comes down to the “ask vs. guess culture” dichotomy; ask culture feels no guilt with pushing for whatever their desired outcome or agenda is at all times, and are not offended by dissension or rejection; in fact, ask people tend to just push until they meet resistance. They get frustrated by people who don’t share what they’re thinking or tend to waffle.
Guess culture assumes that others have your best interest at heart, and involves subtly angling toward your desired outcome while “feeling out” the situation to avoid any kind of direct ask that could be considered too forward or offensive.
For example, if I needed a place to stay in NYC for the weekend, ask culture would lead me to just send out a non-emotional, blunt message to 5 friends asking to sleep on their couch; guess culture would have me reach out, make some small talk, say I was coming to NYC for the weekend, ask “do you know of any good housing options?” and see if somebody offered to host me, at which point I would politely refuse before “reluctantly” accepting.
Quite bluntly, I’ve found American “white culture” to be more on the passive, guess side of things.
I was once told by a professor in college that people need to “tell others what they need from them.” This perspective has dictated my journey to assertiveness. I am still relatively easy-going, but I try to be assertive (in a non-confrontational way, using I statements and emphasizing that others are welcome to do as they please but I feel x way about x outcome) when it’s important to me, or when it’s something that is a large disparity in inconvenience, money, etc. I’ve realized, through books like “Never Split the Difference,” that giving in can frequently be a lose-lose situation, and – although it may sometimes make me uncomfortable – pushing a bit to arrive at a more equitable conclusion is appreciated by both parties.
Alejandro – I enjoyed reading about your communication style, and especially resonated with the final paragraph – where it is important to be assertive, in a non-confrontational way, but owning your communication and saying ‘i feel x about x’ .. This is very healthy communication style, and love to see it in action. Thanks!