https://docs.google.com/document/d/1czG8xWyQZYLlS_7Fa1EoRp_qnFER0yMabxSe-yczHC0/edit?usp=sharing
2 thoughts on “This I Believe… Draft”
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Follow along with me as my drafts go from a 0 to a solid 7
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Hello Abby! I really enjoyed your story, it is so descriptive and moving. Here are some small things I wanted to point out:
“he could take on all of my pain, to protect me from my self-sabotaging mind” I don’t think the comma belongs here.
“I had lots of friends, how could I be so ungrateful?” I think the comma either needs to be a period or you should add another word, like “so how could I be so ungrateful?”
“look down and see the entire rest of the town” Is “rest” necessary here? It seems wordy; perhaps just having “entire town” would be better?
I know we don’t have to have a clear “I believe…” sentence, with those words specifically, but I think in this case it might sounds less awkward if you did add “I believe” to your last sentence? I don’t know, it is good either way. Just a thought.
Hey Abby, I think this a really good draft. Amber thankfully covered most of what I saw as well so I’ll just agree that I think your story would benefit from a definite ” I believe” statement near the end. otherwise, I think you might want to try to more to allow the readers into your mind and flesh out your moment of realization. As it is it feels slightly rushed. Thank you for the draft.