I believe in forming lasting relationships with your teachers. My freshman year of high school, I had a biology teacher named Ms. Nilson for the first time. I loved that class so much even though it was my earliest class and I would practically be falling asleep. She made class so entertaining and enjoyable, while also be educational. We formed a strong bond over our love for plants and growing things. I continued to visit her every day of sophomore year in the mornings, before school started and we got even closer. In my junior year, I took another class with her, called sustainability, where we learned about environmentalism and all kinds of ways to be more sustainable in our everyday lives. By this point in time, we were pretty close and she became a safe space for me to go to. I had good relationships with many other teachers, but the bond that I had with Ms. Nilson was stronger and more trusting than the others. After knowing her for about three years, I spent a lot of free time in her room, discussing plants and eating vegan foods as she was vegan for sustainability reasons. Her room was always chaotic in the way that there was always stuff everywhere and you never quite knew where anything was. In this chaos, there was also comfort on her walls covered in murals and colorful lights. Her room and her presence felt like an oasis from the less enjoyable chaos of the rest of high school. I spent so much time in her room, that I kind of just became a known presence for other classes. If I had a free period, I would spend it in her room, even if she had another class. I practically took her sustainability course twice since I spent fifth period in there everyday my senior year. She welcomed me every time and let me do all the activities and taste tests that the rest of her students were doing. She would always check on me when I seemed extra tired or down and let me use her room to rest or make phone calls or anything else. My senior year, she became one of the sponsors of National Honor Society and I was the treasurer of it. From that point, our relationship continued to grow and we were in contact even more often. I had her phone number after joining a club with her where we went on a trip outside of school hours and we needed to be in contact in case of emergencies. I continued to text her after I graduated high school with any important updates or things that I found interesting. One time, I had these vegan gummies that I thought were amazing so I sent them to her to try for herself and her class. She texted me over the summer to congratulate me on being an AP scholar. Ms. Nilson became a critical part of my high school experience and she made it a lot more bearable than it would have been without her. I think that having those trusting and caring relationships throughout childhood and into adulthood are very important and can have a big impact on student’s lives. I know I will never forget Ms. Nilson, even if we never see each other again, and that I will always remember our relationship and the love and comfort that she gave me.
3 thoughts on “rcl post #2 I believe draft”
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Hi Anna! Your performance was great! I think there are just a couple grammar things that could be fixed. Overall though, I really liked your story, and I can tell how much Ms. Nilson means to you!
1.Identify the central conflict and structure (cause and effect, transformation, categorical) of this piece. Provide ideas for enhancing the central conflict structure/arrangement.
I think the main conflict was having to get through high school. Maybe you could elaborate on a specific time you had a conflict, and you went to your teacher for help.
2. Could the piece be more sensory or engaging if told another way? Comment on how the style could be strengthened. Provide an example from the draft.
I think that you could elaborate on a more specific conflict. Otherwise, I think you do a good job of characterizing your teacher.
3. Name some possibilities for deeper characterization. How could the “I” be developed further? Is there more you would like to know about the relationships between “characters”? Were some details “author oriented” instead of “audience oriented”?
I feel like most of this narrative is characterization. It’s relatively broad rather than specific. I think having a more specific story and telling it in more detail could be more effective. I think you did do a good job of conveying your overall relationship with your teacher to the audience.
4. Did the belief match up with the story? Offer some advice if you felt the piece moved toward a different conclusion.Comment on places to strengthen narrative coherence and narrative fidelity.
I think the belief matched up with the story, but maybe you could make a more specific belief. I think you have good narrative coherence and fidelity.
5. Make a suggestion or two for something the author could move, change, add, or delete.
I think more specific details and stories could make the narrative stronger.
1.Identify the central conflict and structure (cause and effect, transformation, categorical) of this piece. Provide ideas for enhancing the central conflict structure/arrangement.
There isn’t a very strong central conflict, just getting through high school. The development of your belief is structured through cause and effect, as you find relationships like these so important because of this one teacher. I think to improve the central conflict you could focus on tough times when Ms. Nilson was there for you and talk about how she helped you through those times.
2. Could the piece be more sensory or engaging if told another way? Comment on how the style could be strengthened. Provide an example from the draft.
I think the style could be improved by focusing on more specific moments between the two of you that brought you closer together. While there’s a few specific moments mentioned already, adding a few with some more emotional weight could be nice.
3. Name some possibilities for deeper characterization. How could the “I” be developed further? Is there more you would like to know about the relationships between “characters”? Were some details “author oriented” instead of “audience oriented”?
Your characterization of Ms. Nilson was solid, but it leaves things very general. I hate to keep saying the same thing over and over, but I think with a stronger narrative base and conflict, the characterization would improve as a result. You do a good job describing your relationship with the teacher and it’s done in a way that it feels easily relatable.
4. Did the belief match up with the story? Offer some advice if you felt the piece moved toward a different conclusion. Comment on places to strengthen narrative coherence and narrative fidelity.
I think the belief matched up with the story very well, but your conclusion could benefit from a stronger statement of belief, as it sort of reads more like a memoir about your teacher than a statement about your belief regarding teachers in general.
5. Make a suggestion or two for something the author could move, change, add, or delete.
Again, more specific/emotional moments that highlight how you bonded with this teacher could be nice and a more firm belief statement would improve your conclusion.