*This post is intended for satirical effect only

For the entirety of our short time here on Earth, humans have debated some of the most important and relevant questions to our daily lives. Can we eat these bright-colored berries? How can we move heavy things long distances? Whose cave painting is a better representation of the neoclassical era and the struggles of humans living within it? Very important questions. Today, on the public amalgamation of information that your grandparents say is ruining our generation, we debate similarly important topics. And today, we will investigate a few and their extreme societal importance.

Is Cereal a Soup?

As we all know, soups are the very foundation of our society. Where would we be without cooked… “assorted things” in boiling… animal carcasses? Or water. You could just use water like a normal person. Then of course, the classification of so-called “food” as soup or non-soup is vitally important. So, what do you think? Is cereal really a soup? Let’s dive deeper. Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines soup like this: “an unfortunate predicament” (definition 3). Of course, this definition is incredibly vague and up for debate among only the highest of literary scholars. What qualifies as unfortunate? For who or what? This definition, as it seems, does present a soup. However, for science, we must press forward. Allow us to examine an image of Schrödinger’s soup:

Look at this carnage. The poor cornflakes smothered in a gastrointestinal distress-inducing solution of lactose and water. Imagine if you were one of those flakes: trying desperately to reach for the surface in order to breathe in delicious air to reboot your enzymes, only to be pushed down by the flakes and fluid above you, never to see the light of day again. But suddenly, you feel cold metal beneath you, and are lifted to freedom for a brief moment, only to be pushed down the dreadful abyss known as the human body. What a horrible experience. I would argue that, from the perspective of the cornflakes, this terrible fate is both unfortunate, and a predicament. Therefore, cereal does indeed deserve the Totally-Official-Will-Corvino-Soup-Certification.

Is a Bowl of Lettuce a Salad?

This next argument is truly the pinnacle of human discourse. Determining whether or not a bowl of one particular vegetable constitutes salad-ness is really a necessary debate. This debate was spurred on by one of my high school classmates (who shall remain unnamed for anonymity purposes; Big Salad really goes after people who speak out), who bravely asserted that yes, a bowl of lettuce is indeed a salad. Now, empirically, we must look at this debate with a fine-toothed comb (but not too fine-toothed so as to not alter the lettuce in the bowl). Again returning to the trusty Merriam-Webster, a salad is defined as: raw greens (such as lettuce) often combined with other vegetables and toppings and served especially with dressing (definition 1a). Of course, we could define lettuce as a salad using this definition, but it is a special case. To do that, we’d have to ignore the all-important adverbs (which, as we all know, is the height of word classifications). So, as to not anger the adverb gods (and most certainly not out of fear of Newman’s Own, Hidden Valley, etc.), we must define a more complicated line. A bowl of lettuce is not a salad until 1 serving of Hidden Valley Ranch® or Newman’s Own Balsamic Vinaigrette® is placed immaculately on the lush, beautiful green surface of your Kroger Romaine Blend. (This message is not sponsored)

Is a Hot Dog a Sandwich?

It’s really strange how these debates pop up. Something that is truly American, but that not even Americans know how to resolve properly. So, us food scientists really need to step in to calm the impending civil war.

And Now For Something Completely Different Fun Fact: neither the bun nor the hot dog themselves are actually American. The bun is Belgian and the hot dog is German. But of course, as Americans, we of course had the ultimate brilliant idea to slap them together.

Luckily, one such food scientist already exists. A website was created to solve this exact issue: The Cube Rule. This website introduces the cube rule, classifying foods by where bread is located around the components of the sandwich.

In the case of the hot dog, bread is on three sides of the cube, all connected in a line, placing it squarely as a “taco”, albeit without all the diarrhetics. So, this is the ultimate classification, right? Well, a consequence of this classification is that a hot dog turns into a sandwich immediately when the bun breaks. And it also means that pizza changes from “Toast” to “Taco” once folded over into the standard eating position. This does indeed reveal that this classification creates some absurd linguistic consequences, as no one would call pizza either “Toast” or a “Taco”. Therefore, we can’t really use this classification, reliably. But that is all we have. So until a researcher is able to accurately categorize all bread-based foods with better linguistic precision, a hot dog is… (drumroll please) a taco.

Is Water Wet?

Finally, since we don’t have time for much more, we will have to settle on an argument which has taken the internet by storm for years. Is water wet? Now, again, we must turn to a trusty source. According to the United States Geological Survey, water is obviously wet. Obviously this is a trusted source; government websites are often reliable.

Or are they? What if this is a conspiracy by Dasani and Deer Park to cover up the truth about water? Is the USGS on the payroll of Big Water (which is incidentally also called a “Lake Titicaca”)? To be certain that our very legitimate scientific investigation is unbiased, we must turn to a more underground source: the most underground dictionary in the world, dictionary.com. According to dictionary.com, wet means either “moistened, covered, or soaked with water or some other liquid” or “in a liquid form or state”. Of course, this creates a conundrum: which definition should we believe? Under the first definition, because water combines with other water, water is not soaked with water, as water’s surrounding by water is combined into bigger water and not a coating of water, and therefore is not wet. Under the second definition, water is liquid and therefore wet. However, to stick it to the government (that’s right, US Geological Survey and Dasani, come at me!), we will diametrically oppose their official definition and conclude that water is wet. Because, obviously, the second definition conflicts with my clearly anti-government beliefs and therefore is part of a massive cover-up and conspiracy. Of course. Why wouldn’t it be? Newton’s flaming laser sword? What’s that?

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And Now For Something Completely Different: Introduction

In this first edition of And Now For Something Completely Different, I will introduce the future normal ending segment. There will be three types of conclusions: Public Shaming, in which I will take a ridiculous situation and highlight it (and do some minor shaming), Word of the Week, in which I will highlight a fun word that you should be using more often, and Feats of Nature, in which I will show a strange thing from nature which deserves a satirical take. Only one type of conclusion will be given every week, except this week, where you will have a black hole of a conclusion and the piece will end abruptly-