*This post is intended as satire.
Who says there’s no life after death? Check this out:
Interesting aside: This particular taxidermied dog is a special one. According to NPR, this dog is the last of its kind, a turnspit dog, or Canis Vertigus. These dogs were bred for the specific purpose of running on a wheel that turns a turnspit so that the meat would be cooked evenly. What a cruel fate. They weren’t even viewed as dogs, but more like a utensil. But, these obviously faded away (when was the last time you saw a turnspit?), and the vernepator cur (which is latin for ‘dog that turns the wheel’) is no more. Well, I guess it’s on someone’s wall.
Checkmate atheists.
In all seriousness, though, what the f***?! Look, I get it. It’s hard to lose a pet. But like, is skinning it and putting its skin on a model really necessary? Or helpful? Seems a bit odd to me.
But instead of just pointing and recoiling in horror, let’s talk about what taxidermy actually entails. Taxidermy was first invented when scientists who were discovering new species wanted to keep their form so that they could classify them later. For example, James Cook was a huge proponent of taxidermy. And Charles Darwin. That’s right: Charles Darwin was really into taxidermy. Maybe the best scientists really are whacked. But, obviously, in those times, they didn’t have all the chemical preservatives that they put in our food- I mean- that they use to preserve dead people and animals. This caused some obvious problems. Like animals rotting while on the straw models their gutted bodies were sewn to. (source)
Now, of course today, we don’t have these problems. We can practically keep useless stuff that really should be decomposing around forever, so long as you like the smell of embalming fluid.
Anyway, moving on, some of the most popular taxidermied items are moose and fish. Presumably since putting your catch on display for the rest of your house to see is very cool and also not creepy. Look, Dave, I get it. You shot and killed a deer yourself. Am I supposed to be impressed? You had a gun! It’s not like you defeated the deer in hand-to-hoof combat. And even if you did, why would you want it’s soulless eyes to be protruding through your wall? That’s a recipe for deer-haunting. This is how ghosts get their horses, you know. And you, Frank. I know you caught a rare fish. And cool, whatever. At least you had to actually put in a minimal amount of effort reeling it in unlike that lazy creep Dave. But… you could have just put up a picture of you holding it on Facebook like everyone else. Why did you need to stick it to your wall? You could have had just a normal picture on your wall, but no. You needed the reel thing. On your wall. In your living room. I know you’re going through a midlife crisis, but, I mean, you could cope with it without putting a dead animal on your wall.
So, the moral of the story is, taxidermy is weird. Hot take, I know.
And Now For Something Completely Different: Word of the Week
On this edition of Word of the Week, we have a spicy one. This week’s word is: aa.
That’s right, “aa” is a real word. According to dictionary.com, “aa” means “basaltic lava having a rough surface”. The word is pronounced “ah-ah”, and comes from the Hawaiian word ‘a’ā, which means “lava with a broken surface”, according to Merriam-Webster. Now, I’m not trying to make fun of this word, but… it’s literally just vowels. There aren’t a lot of words that are just vowels. Also, on every definition I’ve seen, it says to compare this to “pahoehoe”. Feel free to look up the comparison, because clicking on an embedded link on a website is too much investigative journalism for a satire blog.
Thanks so much for reading, and until next week, have a good one!
-Will Corvino
I agree that taxidermy is weird. Personally, I don’t have any family friends that hunt, so the only time I’ve ever seen something like this is when I went on vacation to Gatlinburg Tennessee to visit the Great Smoky Mountains. Since hunting and guns are a big part of the culture down there, a lot of the places we visited had preserved animals on displays in their lobbies. At the end of the day, I think it comes down to a cultural norm that some people are used to while others aren’t.
I agree with you that taxidermy is very weird. I have a friend who owns a hunting cabin that I have been to before, and on the outside this place looks normal. On the inside, however, every wall is covered with different fish, deer, or turkey that the hunters who go there have caught over the years. Every time that I am there, I feel like the dead animals are still watching me with their long dead eyes and emotionless faces. The history of taxidermy and its original purpose is actually very neat! I did not know that these scientists once wanted to wait to determine the species of different animals. This idea was very intriguing, and it is a fun fact that I will keep in my back pocket for a while. Nice post!
This post was really funny, like really funny. Since I hail from rural Pennsylvania, I know how popular taxidermy is. I can’t even count how many times I’ve been to friends houses for sleepovers when I was little and had to have a dead deer look at me while I slept. It was horrifying.
Also, as a geology wiz over here I have a bit of etymology for aa and pahoehoe. Both are types of lava formed from different thresholds of temperature. Aa is less hot, so it crystallizes quicker and forms sharp, jagged extrusions while it flows. But pahoehoe is hotter so it forms ripples that look like ropes as it flows. Pahoehoe is actually the most common type of lava you see in Hawaii. Actually, both words are Hawaiian! And aa is named after the sound you make when you touch it (get it? because its really sharp and you yell when you get cut, its called aa). And pahoehoe just means ropes, which isn’t as exciting.
I totally agree with your thoughts on taxidermy- and its something that I did not typically find people who agreed with my thoughts as I grew up in an extremely rural area. Regarding the taxidermied dog, I find that really interesting and you definitely taught me something new. I love the tone and diction you use in your posts- it makes them very engaged and fun to read.
I think taxidermy just looks sick I won’t lie. I definitely see your point though, when you really break it down it does sound a little feral. That aside, I really like the style of your blogs, the casualness lends itself to an easy read and a couple of cheap laughs. It is refreshing to read something that is funny in a sea of blogs about real topics. Also, loved the word of the week, I’m going to try to work that into an essay at some point.