DRAFT: Friendship is something that almost every child cherishes with their whole heart, whether it is with other kids their age or even imaginary ones. Even to this day, my views of friendship draw similarities to the exaggerated actions associated with childhood friendship. I would willingly slay any problematic dragon they faced and even share my most prized toys with them.
As I started the third grade, my parents decided to uproot our lives and move to a new area where I knew no one. Luckily, however, I was quickly able to relate to a few of my peers and soon enough I had people asking me to sit with them at lunch and play superheroes with them at recess. As the years went on, one of these friendships stood out not only to me but even to my parents as well.
What started as laughter, fun, and what I thought to be a positive friendship quickly turned sour as I was soon spending countless recesses and nights at home snuggling closer to my childhood blanket while streams of tears poured down my face. It was as if everything I did was a problem for my one friend. It felt as if I had a huge red and white circle target painted on the center of my face. I essentially became the target of her frustration, anger, or misery, even if other friends in our group acted or said the exact same things.
Much like how I am today, even at the ripe age of 7 years old I found myself being a naive, people pleaser, constantly asking myself what I was doing wrong and what I needed to change within myself to fix this problem. Add on my strong fear of not wanting to lose people, and of course, the thought of removing people from my life never seemed like an impossible option.
Before I even knew it, what was once a few countless afternoons and nights, turned into a cycle, a routine for almost 6 years straight. An endless back and forth of her saying or doing something that made me upset, and yet me still being the one to apologize because the thought of losing any friend, regardless of how they were treating me was beyond detrimental.
Then, on a random day in 8th grade, a new student with the same name as me was introduced to our class. At lunch, my friends and I decided to invite her out to a movie with us that coming weekend to get to know her more. However, that night I found out that my problematic friend had created a group chat without me. I instantly felt heartbroken and my immediate thought was that she was trying to replace me.
It was as if someone reached their hand into the back of my brain and finally flipped the stuck, rusted switch that should have been flicked years ago. I finally decided that it was time to remove this friendship from my life. Although I did have some terrifying second thoughts about how our other friends would react, I just felt it was time that I moved on and reflected on the aspects of my life that were not benefitting me.
I believe in stepping away from things that are not beneficial to you even if it scares you. Of course, I was terrified to step away from years of friendship, especially with how much I cherish it. However, I have learned that backing away from negative things, even though the change is scary, can truly help one see the positive aspects they should be accepting in their life.
1.Identify the central conflict and structure (cause and effect, transformation, categorical) of this piece. Provide ideas for enhancing the central conflict structure/arrangement.
The central conflict is clearly the disconnect between how you and your “friend” saw your relationship. I think that the structure is well-designed, and makes your development in yourself and how you saw this person throughout the time you knew them.
2. Could the piece be more sensory or engaging if told another way? Comment on how the style could be strengthened. Provide an example from the draft.
It could be more sensory or engaging if you possibly included remembered dialog between you and the “friend,” as this could help characterize them as well as further characterize you. This could let the story flow without the “analysis” of how you developed coming in too early.
3. Name some possibilities for deeper characterization. How could the “I” be developed further? Is there more you would like to know about the relationships between “characters”? Were some details “author oriented” instead of “audience oriented”?
I think one point that could be brought up is the original connection that you had with this person (beyond the details of recess, if there are any), which could help characterize how you initially felt that led to this turbulent relationship of friends. This would make it more “audience oriented” as otherwise, we don’t know really how you started being friends- only that it ended badly.
4. Did the belief match up with the story? Offer some advice if you felt the piece moved toward a different conclusion. Comment on places to strengthen narrative coherence and narrative fidelity.
I think the belief was well-designed for the story, as the long connection that you eventually decided to break off represents your belief of stepping away from non-beneficial people/things quite nicely. One place you could improve narrative coherence is in the description of the group chat issue, as that’s somewhat unclear exactly what happened- that would improve the flow and the coherence in one.
5. Make a suggestion or two for something the author could move, change, add, or delete.
You could add detail about what this friend said to you, which would also dramatically improve the narrative fidelity and emotional appeal of the piece. When this will be presented, these kinds of dialogue could really help show emotion and passion for your belief.
1. I think that the central conflict is about your friendship, and you made it very clear with the imagination of a target on your head which I liked. I also think the transformation structure is a good choice for this story although I feel like a cause-and-effect will be more effective. Doing so you can give a specific example of your old belief at the start and then go into how it has changed.
2. I loved the detail in the third paragraph it felt real. I feel like you add more sensory details in the 6th paragraph about the movie and stuff.
3. You can probably characterize yourself and your friend a bit more, but keep the focus on you as you are the main character. Focus on building that relationship with your friend and how stepping away from her how changed you and your beliefs, would make it more audience oriented rather than author oriented.
4. The belief did match up to the story, you did a good job telling the story. I think that the piece can benefit more on how your friendship became sour or provide examples and focus more on it rather than the new student. As well as finding the balance of incorporating both into the story
5. I think you can add to the fourth paragraph the feeling of a people pleaser and add more characterization to yourself.