Walking into class I knew today was the day. My heart is pounding as if it is trying to jump out of my chest. My hands were shaking enough to start an earthquake. As I approached the front it felt as if the walls were closing in and everyone was focused on me. I take one deep breath, stare at an empty chair, and begin my presentation. The one problem, I was holding notes. I started strong but as I went on I began to cower and look at these notes rather than those around me. After each word, I would read more and more off of the paper, yet I knew it without. Confidence was nonexistent and by now the group would not be able to see my face. I was hiding but continued to get more scared since I knew it was wrong. I hated how I could not just speak, it was my study no one would even know if I messed up. Yet I still hid. I’ll never forget my teacher pulling me aside after and talking to me. He explained that if I hide behind things all of my life I will not get far. He allowed me to try again at the end of the week as long as I did not use notes. This time I was equally prepared but twice as scared. I cried the night before in fear of having to face this head-on. I went through the same trick of a deep breath and focusing on an empty chair and began once again. This time though, when I began to spiral I had nowhere to go. Instead, I had to power through and continue as there was nothing to hide behind. When I finished I realized I had never had a better presentation. I was confident in tone and ran through my study without paying mind to those watching. There was nowhere to go so I powered through and it worked. Since then I rarely use notes to present and have gained a great deal of confidence. My most trying event, in this case, was when I made it to a competition named ISEF. It was the largest pre-colligate international science competition and I had to present the same work as before to very important people. This competition wouldn’t allow notes but I could hide behind my board. Thousands of projects were set up in long lines and knowledgeable people would come up to stand to stand and force you to present in their way, expressionless in their faces. They refused to give any feedback so confidence was important. I knew that if I hid I would fail so I had to face my fear and present it to them. I ended up being successful on paper but what I truly value is the internal growth I received from these experiences. This mental growth is something I continue to cherish when facing many uneasy things in life. I believe in pushing through and facing your fears. I also believe in coming forward from what you hide behind, whether it be a paper or a front you put up. Lastly, I believe in removing aspects that hold you back in your life.
1. Identify the central conflict and structure (cause and effect, transformation, categorical) of this piece. Provide ideas for enhancing the central conflict structure/arrangement.
The central conflict of presenting and having confidence. Using cause and effect. I really like how you showed how you messed up the first time and grew from it. I think your speech is very powerful, and I like how you showed examples of growth.
2. Could the piece be more sensory or engaging if told another way? Comment on how the style could be strengthened. Provide an example from the draft.
I think you should add more about the competition, to show your growth.
3. Name some possibilities for deeper characterization. How could the “I” be developed further? Is there more you would like to know about the relationships between “characters”? Were some details “author oriented” instead of “audience-oriented”?
I think you could add more about how you were feeling before the second speech or before the big competition. Also, maybe add if you had a strong relationship with your teacher beforehand. I think you did a great job being audience-oriented.
4. Did the belief match up with the story? Offer some advice if you felt the piece moved toward a different conclusion. Comment on places to strengthen narrative coherence and narrative fidelity.
I think your beliefs matched up with the story, but maybe pick one and focus on that. I really like the second one of coming forward from what you hide behind because it has a literal meaning in your story.
5. Make a suggestion or two for something the author could move, change, add, or delete.
I would add how you did in the competition or other examples of how you now present. Overall a great job and an engaging piece!
The conflict of public speaking is quite present here with the cause and effect mechanism. It was really cool to read about the science competition experience, it showed how you grew from your initial fears. The speech has a stream of consciousness feel which might have to become a little but more streamlined with added sensory details. I would recommend making some of the statements more interesting or varied, for example “I was confident in tone and ran through my study without paying mind to those watching.” –> “With a confident tone I presented my study, paying no mind to those watching.” If you make your sentences rich but concise you can add more detail. For example, “I could see the paper shaking as my hands quivered,” and such. I think the beliefs matched up quite well with the story and it was very enjoyable. I would talk more about how it felt when your teacher said that if you hide behind things you won’t get far, because I think that’s an important part of the narrative and cause and effect. I think you did a really great job with this and I’m happy to hear you’ve come such a long way with public speaking! 🙂
*little bit more streamlined
I really like how you incorporated two levels in this anecdote: the classroom presentation and the competition. It shows that facing your fears in an academic setting can present in different ways. However, I would like to see you introduce the idea of pushing through earlier. Perhaps a sentence or two at the beginning addressing that when people are afraid of something, their instinct is to avoid it as much as possible. This could fit after you mention how much your hands are shaking, as that allows the description of your anxiety to still be the hook. Also regarding your introduction, I really like your use of figures of speech and word choice to convey how you felt. It was really effective and makes for a compelling narrative. Great job!