When children misbehave, the parent’s disciplinary actions are often seen as a form of child abuse by others. There are different ways to discipline a child that is not considered child abuse like time-outs, restriction, or taking a favorite toy. Most parents want their child to grow up happy, healthy, and have self-confidence. Parents often think that disciplining their child will cause them to restrict these feelings but this is not true. Children learn from day one from what they see and hear. They mimic a word, gesture, or a respectful comment.
Children need discipline, parent’s that don’t discipline their child, often times the child’s behavior will reflect on the manner of the discipline (e.g. children that misbehave, defiant, and disrespect others). Unfortunately, some parents tend to base their disciplinary action decisions to their child’s behavior before taking the time to understand the child’s point of view or what the misbehaving is all about. I think that the fine line between abuse and discipline is taking the time to calm down and listen.
Children also need to understand the form of discipline and why the parent is using it, let the child know that you are not just disciplining them to be mean. Explain to the child on their level of understanding why their behavior was wrong. Again, behaving is a learned behavior that stems rom cognitive dissonance. They are taught the difference between right and wrong so when they are actively misbehaving, although they know they shouldn’t, they do it anyway. When being disciplined for it, dissonance takes over.
Children that are deliberately defiant on a regular basis know they can get away with it simply because most parents are too quick to giving in when it come to following through with disciplining their child. Some occasions the parent will follow through with the not so harsh punishments, then other occasions they will give in on harsher ones because they may start to feel that the punishment was too much on their child. Children are smart and intuitive. They learn from trial and error. If they misbehave and they are disciplined for it, they remember how they were disciplined and depending on the harshness of the punishment, they will do it again.
According to Flaskerud, 2011, there is a comprehensive approach that can be taken that includes consideration of the parent-child relationship, reinforcement of desired behaviors, and consequences for negative behavior. There are three elements to focus on for effective discipline; 1) a positive, supporting, loving relationship between the parent(s) and the child, when a parent disciplines their child, tell them that what they did was wrong, but let the child know that even though they have to be disciplined, they are still loved and care for by the parent; 2) the use of positive reinforcement strategies to increase desired behaviors, Parents should reward their child when they behave appropriately; 3) removing reinforcement or applying punishment to reduce or eliminate undesired behaviors in children, when a child misbehaves, take one of their privileges away and explain to them that when they behave the way they are supposed to, they will get that privilege back (Flaskerud, 2011).
Some parents believe in spanking as a form of discipline, because their parents used it as a form of discipline with them as they grew up. Some of the disciplinary methods that our parents and grandparents used are now considered to be child abuse by today’s standards. Parents are often cautious with the form of discipline that they use in public, spanking their child in public for instance because many parents have been turned in for spanking their children for misbehaving in public. The people that have turned them in are often people that are against spanking, simply because they believe it to be a form of child abuse. It is unfortunate that the child is aware of the punishment that can be bestowed upon the parent because of the disciplinary actions that they took. Again, they learn from it and in time will use it against the parents when it comes time for discipline.
Our neighbor across the street had this very incident happen to them. They had a daughter that was very hard to handle, she was always getting into trouble. Then one day, she wasn’t living there any more. Her brother told us that she was removed from the home because of abuse. We grew up with this family on the same street for all of our childhood and early adulthood. Her parents would come over often to talk to my parents to ask for advice. They had quite a bit of experience because I have 6 additional brothers and sisters and my parents loved, nurturing, and used discipline with us (my brothers mostly), because they love us. So yes, children learn how to work the system too. The grass might not always be greener but it is a lesson all the same.
I believe in discipline as a learning tool to teach the child right from wrong, how to act in public, and how to be respectful. Discipline doesn’t need to leave a mark, nor should it ever, only a mark of love.
References:
Flaskerud, J.H. (2011). Discipline and Effective Parenting. Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 32 (1), 82-84. doi:10.3109/01612840.2010.498078
Schneider, F. W., Gruman, J. A., & Coutts, L. M. (2012). Applied Social Psychology: Understanding and Addressing Social and Practical Problems. Los Angeles: Sage Publications, Inc.
This is a topic that I actually have put a lot of time and effort behind; although I am not a parent myself, I have often wondered if I would be good or not. I hear a lot that I would make a great father, but what about when it comes to disciplining my child? Just like anyone else out there, I would like for my child to behave well. But how should I or anyone else act to ensure that our children are good people? According to Jeffery Arnett, there are four types of parenting styles that one can employ (Arnett, 2013). However, we will only be focusing on one here; “[a]uthoritative parents are high in demandingness [sic] and high in responsiveness” (Arnett, 2013, p. 182). A parent using an authoritative style combines both high standards for their child (demandingness), but also includes affection, emotional attachment, love, and concern for a child’s needs. Basically, this means that a parents needs to set rules for their child, but be there for them and understanding. “In general, authoritative parenting is associated with the most favorable outcomes. . . [a]dolescents with authoritative parents tend to be dependent, passive, and conforming” (Arnett, 2013, p. 183).
Works Cited
Arnett, J. J. (2013). Adolescence and Emerging Adulthood. Upper Saddle River: Pearson Education, Inc.
I agree that children need to be disciplined. However, it should be done in the most effective way. According to the Canadian Paediatric Society, discipline means “to impart knowledge and skill-to teach” (Effective discipline for children, 2004). Unfortunately however, discipline is frequently associated with punishment and control. The appropriate ways to effectively discipline children is highly debated.
The goal of effective discipline “is to foster acceptable and appropriate behavior in the child and t raise emotional mature adults” (Effective discipline for children, 2004). Respect is the basis of effective discipline. Therefore, “effective discipline means discipline applied with mutual respect in a firm, fair, reasonable and consistent way” (Effective discipline for children, 2004). A main obstacle to attaining these goals is inconsistency because it confuses children.
I am not yet a parent, however, I do know that setting rules and applying consequences is essential in raising children to become mature adults. “Rules are established for children so they can learn to live cooperatively with others, to teach them to distinguish right from wrong and to protect them from harm” (Effective discipline for children, 2004). The Canadian Paediatric Society states that children who are raised without rules will have a difficult time adjusting socially (Effective discipline for children, 2004).
I am not sure where I stand with regards to spanking, however I do know that there are other forms of discipline such as time-outs or reasoning, such as away-from-the-moment discussions. Regardless however, discipline is about “changing behavior, not about punishing children” (Effective discipline for children, 2004).
Reference
Effective discipline for children. (2004). Paediatric Child Health, 9(1), 37-41. Retrieved April 17, 2015, from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2719514/
Okay, so I am one of those people who don’t believe in spanking, I have three children whom I have never spanked and they are pretty amazing. Many people tell me I’m lucky and I just shrug and smile. While I’m certainly not trying to say I am the end all and be all of all parents, I’m sure not, it’s just an example that children who have never been spanked can turn out to be pretty darn good. I noticed you using the term discipline and punishment interchangeably, when in actuality these two words have two completely different meanings and are not interchangeable. Discipline comes from the same root Latin as disciple which respectively mean to teach, and student or pupil. On the other hand punishment is to deliberately cause pain and suffering as a form of retribution. When you think about hitting someone, anyone, you have inflicted an abusive action on that person whether they are child or adult. However, in the case of an adult, I can charge you with assault if you hit me, but if you hit a child that’s called “discipline”; this has never made sense to me. It’s actually completely untrue that a parent can be turned in for spanking a child in public or private, I worked in child protective services for a few years and there are no laws stating that you can’t spank your child, a law I would like to see instituted. However, if you do spank your child and you leave marks on them, cps may come for a visit. And while your neighbors are probably lovely people, do you really know what went on in the privacy of their home? I mean, certainly you can call someone in for publicly spanking their child, but CYS won’t always find it necessary to go investigate, calls get screened for legitimacy, validity, are there true safety concerns etc. And lastly, I often cringe when I hear people saying to their child, I’m only punishing you because I love you and then inflict some kind of pain, suffering, or humiliation on said child. The reason I cringe is because it is entirely possible for love and pain to become associated in the minds of a child, and for adults who have this association to need to be humiliated, or suffer pain in order to feel like their partner loves them. Having said all that, I applaud you for tackling such a controversial topic!