Too Much Time Isn’t a Bad Thing

stelmeA family member once said to me, “You shouldn’t spend so much time with your daughter; it will cause her to be awful for other people to watch!” Even though watching my daughter may be challenging for some, I feel the time spent with her is beneficial for our relationship and her growth into adulthood.

Secure attachment style is known for causing infants to be unhappy when their attachment figure is away and smoothed quickly once they return (Schneider, Gruman, & Coutts, 2012). When a child is left, they experience separation and they only gain attachment with one or two specific people. It is believed that the form of attachment a child has as an infant will reflect what kind of attachment style they will have when they turn into an adult.

The other forms of attachment are the insecure attachment styles. One is considered anxious and ambivalent where the infant acts unhappy about being separated but are still clingy whenever the figure would return (Schneider, et al,. 2012). The other form consists of avoidance, where the infant acts as if they were not worried about the presence or absence of the attachment figure (Schneider, et al,. 2012).

Those who have a secure attachment are often found to have a positive self-concept (Brookes, 2011). They believe in themselves, in a sense and are able to determine things for themselves. They are also able to regulate their emotions and not become overwhelmed by them (Brookes, 2011). Another benefit is they are able to make positive assumptions about others and the can engage in altruistic or prosocial behavior (Brookes, 2011). For instance, they are capable of expressing appreciation, gratitude, comfort, and volunteer themselves.

Children who experience insecure attachment as infants, often result in social difficulties. They are misbehaved, aggressive, bullied or easily bullied by others, and do not listen to authority figures (Long Term Effects of Attachment, 2011). These children have a difficult time sharing with others and are less curious about learning new things. They have a low self-confidence and have a hard time displaying their emotions (Long Term Effects of Attachment, 2011).

However, as Schneider (2012) explained, whatever attachment style one has had, during their infant stages, there is always the possibility to unlearn that behavior and build a new form of attachment. Therefore, even though an individual did not choose their form of attachment with their caregivers; they have the power to change it as they grow into adulthood.

Now, looking back on the statement that once had me concerned; I don’t feel the need to change the amount of time I spend with my daughter. In fact, I want to embrace it!

References:

Brookes, L. (2011, May 17). The Benefits of a Secure Attachment. Retrieved April 7, 2016, from http://loveandlifetoolbox.com/the-benefits-of-a-secure-attachment/
Long Term Effects of Attachment. (2011, August 2). Retrieved April 7, 2016, from https://parentingandattachment.wordpress.com/long-term-effects-of-attachment/

Schneider, F., Gruman, J., & Coutts, L. (2012). Foundations of Applied Social Psychology. In Applied Social Psychology (2nd ed.). SAGE.

1 comment

  1. Angela Starr Darchuk

    I commend you for wanting to have a good relationship with your daughter. Even though I choose a different style, loving your children can be shown in different ways. When my children were young I have no choice but to work nights while either my husband or a friend watched our son. It was hard but I also choose to put him in child care so that we would learn how to play with others and socialize on different terns then just his parents. This did make it easier when we would choose to leave him for a dinner date or the movies every now and then. This has created a life time of of our children being ok when we leave for long periods of time because they know we are coming back. We had no separation distress after a few days because our son knew we were coming back.

    If the assessment is true that what happens as a baby determines your separation distress as an adult then I suppose I was then regarded as secure according to Bartholomew ( 1990). (Schneider, 2012)

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