Look at that title. We’ve got conflict, we’ve got adult material – it’s basically as close to clickbait as a school assignment can get.
Now that I have your attention, it’s time for us all to have a little talk about sex. Specifically, I’m going to refresh your memories on a passage at the top of page 147:
“Violent pornography includes sadomasochism and the infamous snuff films in which the female victims are tortured sexually and then killed.” (Schneider et al.)
RIght now, there are likely two groups of people: The people who aren’t sure where I’m going with this, and the people who felt that passage like a punch in the gut the moment they first read it.
WHAT IS SADOMASOCHISM?
Sadomasochism, as defined in Psychology Today since Webster’s was unhelpful, “can be defined as the giving or receiving of pleasure, often sexual, from the infliction or reception of pain or humiliation. It can feature as an enhancement to sexual pleasure, or, in some cases, as a substitute. (Burton, 2014)” There are two things to note here: Firstly, note the the fact that it’s derived from giving or receiving. Secondly, note the fact that despite the mention of pain and humiliation, this definition strongly centers on the pleasure of both parties – not, as our textbook might have us believe, some sort of violence.
In contrast, Fedoroff in “Sadism, Sadomasochism, Sex and Violence” explores sexual sadism and why it occurs. Note that sexual sadism is not sadomasochism, and is a paraphilia (leading to danger, significant distress, or impairment within the self and others), where sadomasochism is not. The key point in bringing this article into the fray is to reiterate one of the key points it makes early on: Sexual sadism within the context of mutual consent, generally known under the heading BDSM, is distinctly distinguished from non-consensual acts of sexual violence or aggression.
It only adds insult to injury when, on the following page, the textbook details a study on the effects of non-violent porn as a sort of ‘gateway drug’ to what is once again mentioned as “violent porn”, specifically: “bondage, sadomasochism, and bestiality (Schneider et al., p.151)”. As if those three items are even remotely within the same category.
Time for some visual aids. Let me show you some bondage.
This is suspension bondage – colloquially, “flying”. I’ve yet to try it, but from every single account I’ve heard, it’s one of the most liberating sensations on Earth. And our textbook lumps it, under the general ignorant umbrella of “bondage”, in the category “violent porn” right alongside bestiality. While it’s impossible to pretend that no S&M is violent, especially that which can be found in pornography online, our text has painted this lifestyle choice with a broad-enough brush that, comparatively, would be like saying that obese people eat food, so obviously the existence of food is the problem.
Something is definitely wrong here.
WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED?
The availability heuristic, for one. BDSM absolutely has a stereotype, and we see that stereotype in both TV shows and adult materials all across the board. In the same way that regular sex is made larger-than-life for the camera, BDSM porn is tricked out and made nearly unrecognizable – but in that case, it slips past the radar, since entirely too few people know any better than to take it as truth. On top of that, dozens of comedies have made jokes out of female-dominant BDSM (dominatrixes, ‘crazy girlfriends’ who wanted to cuff them to the bed), which only added to the stereotype that BDSM is ridiculous and made for ridicule.
As if it wasn’t bad enough, Fifty Shades of Grey came out a couple of years back and entirely revolutionized how early-thirties housewives thought of BDSM, while the rest of the world suddenly had an example to point at in order to stigmatize BDSM even more thoroughly, with its depiction of a deeply unhealthy and destructive pseudo-BDSM relationship.
All of this is to say: every form of media makes a very specific (and negative) stereotype of BDSM available to the public, and next time they come face to face with any aspect of kink, the availability heuristic tells them exactly what to think of it.
Our textbook, unfortunately, has chosen (knowingly or unknowingly) to be one more source of stereotype confirmation.
YOU’RE NOT AS DIFFERENT AS YOU THINK.
This isn’t some off-the-wall irrelevant post on a subculture you’ve never planned to join. You’re much closer to this issue than you realize.
If your significant other taps on your nose, do you make a toothy chomp for their finger? What about tickling? You’re bound to have given that a shot, at least once or twice.
“Many ‘normal’ behaviours such as infantilizing, tickling, and love-biting contain definite elements of sadomasochism,” says Neel Burton, of Psychology Today. “It is possible to read this article and think that this sort of stuff only applies to a small number of ‘deviants’, but the truth is that each and every one of us harbours sadomasochistic tendencies. In the words of the Roman playwright Terence, ‘I am human, and consider nothing human to be alien to me.’”
On top of that, many elements of S&M have gone mainstream even without the help of Christian Grey’s sex dungeon. Fluffy handcuffs are practically a staple purchase for girls looking to explore their sexuality, and it’s no secret that confident and assertive partners have been increasingly popular with both genders in the last few years.
BUT WHY DOES THIS EVEN MATTER?
I’ll admit: This is personal.
I’m in a committed, loving relationship. I’m engaged to be married next July. Looking at us, how “normal” we seem, you’d never guess that we’re also nearly a year deep in a BDSM lifestyle dynamic. D/s, which stands for Dominant/Submissive, referring to my role and his respectively.
Many of you immediately pictured latex and riding crops. That’s fine. I might’ve even tried the ‘latex’ thing on for size, were it not entirely overpriced. And if you’ve seen any relevant porn (or even movies or television shows mocking that porn), you probably have some sort of hilarious stereotyped image of his role as well. Because that’s all BDSM is, right? An excuse to play dress-up and whip and degrade one another?
Maybe, for some. But it’s also one of the most fulfilling things you’ve ever felt in your life. Ask literally anyone in any form of BDSM relationship, and they’ll tell you about the trust. For the submissive party, they’ll tell you how freeing it feels to be able to give all of yourself over to another person. For the dominant party, they’ll tell you they’ve never felt more dedicated and protective, not once in their entire lives, than they are of this person who has chosen to trust them with every facet of their being.
It’s not about pain, or about humiliation.
It’s about knowing that someone is taking off all of their armor right there in front of you, and feeling the bolstering weight of your newfound responsibility to protect them until their armor is back in place.
It’s about being able to trust-fall with pieces of your psyche that have never felt human contact.
And in this crazy, messed-up world, it’s the least violent experience I’ve had in my entire life.
Fedoroff, Paul J. MD (2008). “Sadism, Sadomasochism, Sex, and Violence”. Canadian Journal of Psychiatry. Canadian Psychiatric Association. 53 (10): 637–646.
Schneider, F.W., Grumman, J.A., & Coutts, L.M. (2012) Applied social psychology: Understanding and addressing social and practical problems. 2nd ed. Thousand Oaks, CA: SAGE Publications, Inc.