Optimism in Romantic Relationships

Positive social psychologyis known by social psychologists as the understanding of constructive processes like altruism which is acting in concern more so for the well-being of others than yourself. It is rather selfless as there is little regard for your own interest in comparison to your empathy and solicitude for others. Positive psychologyteaches such constructs in respect to ourselves as our own well-being should not be cared for any less. This falls in line with positive well-beingwhich according to Frank Schneider, Jamie Gruman, and Larry Coutts (2012) is the making of any adjustments or changes in one’s life to achieve positive mental health (p. 381). What makes social psychologists stand out is that they appear to be more in tune with the negative and positive sides of human nature.

There are many places in our lives where we can apply the techniques from positive social psychology; I’d like to focus on romantic relationships. Coutts et al. (2012) define optimistsas those who “believe that good thinks are very likely to happen” (p. 381), no matter what the situation. Optimists have what are known as positive outcome expectancies, or the belief that all things are attainable through persistence. These positive expectancies allow for actions and steps that are consistent in achieving one’s goal without giving up or being discouraged due to other internal or external factors.

In regard to romantic relationships, being optimistic well has positive effects on the overall health of the couple. The results of a study conducted by Kimberly Assad, Brent Donnellan, and Rand Conger show that optimism amongst couples is correlated with cooperation and positive outcomes in comparison to couples who are pessimistic (as cited in Applied Social Psychology, 2012, p. 387). Having the same positive outcome expectancies amongst couples allows the two to work as a team to achieve similar goals.

A longitudinal study of romantic couples tested whether or not optimists and their romantic partners were more satisfied in their relationship. Sanjay Srivastava, Kelly McGonigal, Jane Richards, Emily Butler, and James Gross found that there were three parts where optimism was linked to positive outcomes. Srivastava et al. (2006) found that in part one “optimists and their partners both experienced greater overall relationship satisfaction”, in part two “optimists and their partners saw themselves and each other as engaging more positively in a conflict”, and part three “the relationships of male optimists lasted longer than the relationships of male pessimists” (p. 151). So not only does optimism effect the outcomes and goals in romantic relationships, but their length and resilience.

Schneider, F., Gruman, J., & Couts, L. (2012). Applied Social Psychology: Understanding and Addressing Social and Practical Problems (2nd ed.). Thousands Islands, CA: SAGE Publications, Inc.

Srivastava, S., McGonigal, K., Richards, J., Butler, E., & Gross, L. (2006). Optimism in Close Relationships: How Seeing Things in a Positive Light Makes Them So. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91, 143-153. Doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.91.1.143

2 comments

  1. So is it odd for me to love optimism? I can totally see how having two optimistic people with the same goals would have a healthy relationship. While altruism is not a bad thing, it can be if you lose sight and care for yourself as you stated Positive Social Psychologist suggest. This can be a difficult thing to believe when you are in a relationship, as I feel many of us have grown up believing altruism is what expected in a relationship. At least at one point in my life I did and I consider myself an optimist. Relationships involve so much emotion and expectation, I feel it is all to easy to misplace attribution when negative challenges arise, especially in the area of internalizing, thinking you are the problem rather than the behavior or the specific event.

    If, however, you have two people who recognize the positive events in their relationship are based in who they are (internal), that this will not change (stable), and they deserve good things in their life to include this relationship (global) as well as understand when negative relationship events happen it is not due to them but external factors that can be changed and are specific to a particular negative event, that makes for a pretty solid and healthy relationship. Then add in the fact they are headed in the same direction with the same goals and you have just strengthened this relationship. This is especially true if they also have hope, the sister to the optimistic personality trait, which includes the ability for these couples to know the steps to take to achieve their goals (pathway thinking) and the energy and motivation to make it all happen (agency thinking). Things can get even better if these individuals are also able to use attribution retraining interventions if they happen to get caught up in a negative event that may make them feel pessimistic about the relationship. If they are able to reevaluate where they are placing the attribution they may be able to realize what is happening and change it), (Schneider, et.al., 2012).

    You didn’t really state what you thought about the article? Did you agree with it? Did it give any advice or techniques to use in a relationship? What do you think happens in a relationship where one individual is an optimist and the other is a pessimist?

    v/r, Lisa

    Reference

    Schneider, F., Gruman, J., & Couts, L. (2012). Applying Social Psychology to Positive Well-Being: Focus on Optimism. Applied Social Psychology: Understanding and Addressing Social and Practical Problems (2nd ed.). Thousands Islands, CA: SAGE Publications, Inc.

  2. This was a very interesting post. I am currently in an almost five year long romantic relationship. We recently got engaged and are relationship is stronger than ever; there were, however, many ups and downs along the way. I can personally testify to the results of the Srivastava et. al.’s (2006) longitudinal study on the effects of optimism on relationships. As I said, over the years there have been rough patches. Reflecting on those times, I can see a correlation of between the rough patches and pessimism, either from me or from my girlfriend.

    There were times when school or work pressure overwhelmed me and I let negativity flood my mind. Telling myself that it is too hard, or I don’t have enough time to finish things, and I am going to be a failure; not good enough to do what it takes to be successful. I would tell myself that I will never get the education required to find a good job and be able to support her, let alone a family. That negativity would manifest itself in me treating her poorly and not being their to support her emotionally. I would start arguments over the pettiest things and come off as kind of mean to her. We were able to get past those times because, even when I was being negative, she knew that that was not my character and had positive expectations that I would get over these thoughts of negativity. You mentioned that Schneider and Coutts (2012) state, “Optimists have what are known as positive outcome expectancies” Her kindness and patience helped me to engage with her more “positively in conflict.”

    She has had her turns of being negative, as well. There were times when she doubted that our relationship would last, believing that I would leave her at some point. This is when she would nit-pick and start arguments over petty things. It would get frustrating at times but I would always come to the understanding that all of her negativity and rudeness was not a malicious attack on me; instead it was coming from insecurities. Insecurities that I could help alleviate. Knowing the root of the problem I do things to make her understand that I love her and that I was committed to the relationship (take her out to dinner, get her flowers, tell her that I love her more, etc.). I had positive expectations that these things would work because I believed that I was in control of the results; it depended on my actions and my patience.

    As you can see, neither of us has been perfect in our relationship. But the truth is we have had many more good times than bad times and we genuinely care for each other. When the other person is negative or weak the other takes on the burden of being strong and staying positive. We help each other through it and I truly believe that that is a big reason that our relationship has lasted for so long. Every time we get through a rough patch, it actually brings us closer together; strengthening the relationship even more.

    References:

    Srivastava, S., McGonigal, K., Richards, J., Butler, E., & Gross, L. (2006). Optimism in Close Relationships: How Seeing Things in a Positive Light Makes Them So. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91, 143-153. Doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.91.1.143

    Schneider, F., Gruman, J., & Couts, L. (2012). Applied Social Psychology: Understanding and Addressing Social and Practical Problems (2nd ed.). Thousands Islands, CA: SAGE Publications, Inc.

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