Crying is okay!

When I first became a parent, I was clueless on so many things. But, I was terrified of doing the wrong thing. So, I joined all these groups online giving advice on what to do in different situations. I’m a psychology person, so a lot of how I think and form opinions is based on science. I read peer reviewed articles written by scientists, stuff like that. I also decided that I was now an expert on all things parenting. I would give advice and argue and prove my points. I had too much free time, I guess. But, there was one thing that I never based on science, but just my “feelings”. Crying it out. I refused to do it, because I was convinced my child would become unattached and feel alone. I thought other parents were horrible for doing it themselves. I ignored the science because I went with my feelings. 

This has been a topic that has been argued amongst behaviourists and attachment theorists for a long time (Bilgin & Wolke 2020). It was thought that crying it out caused attachment issues, just like I thought. Crying it out is a perfectly healthy thing to do with your babies. It does NOT cause attachment issues for babies (Bilgin & Wolke 2020). This has been studied and proven to be a safe and healthy method to use with your children. 

In the past, there was a large study done that proved that crying it out caused insecure attachment in babies by 12 months (Bilgin & Wolke 2020). The study also showed that the more parents ignored crying, the more frequently the crying occurred (Bilgin & Wolke 2020). This study was the basis upon which attachment theorists beliefs. The problem is no one really replicated this study over the years. 

This recent study proved the previous study wrong. The researchers found no relationship between ignoring crying and increased crying episodes, as the previous study had found (Bilgin & Wolke 2020). They also found crying it out didn’t affect attachment between infants and mothers at 18 months (Bilgin & Wolke 2020). Based on this study, researchers do not recommend or advise against crying it out. Rather, they say to make your own decisions, based on your circumstances.

Looking back on when my daughter was a baby, I wish I had the information that I have now. There were times when it would’ve been helpful to cry it out, for my own mental health. However, I insisted on listening to what other mothers said and their judgments. The science just doesn’t back up the judgments.

Reference

Bilgin, A., Wolke, D. (2020). Parental use of ‘cry it out’ in infants: No adverse effects on attachment and behavioural development at 18 months. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry. doi:http://dx.doi.org.ezaccess.libraries.psu.edu/10.1111/jcpp.13223

1 comment

  1. What an interesting blog! Even though my son is going to be 9 soon, I remember 8 years ago struggling with this exact topic. I read so many different articles about letting a child cry it out and if that causes fear in a child or lack of attachment to the mother (which of course I did not want ). I did the same exact thing. I listened to other mothers who told me that it was wrong and casted their judgments. I did not do the cry it out method until later on and I am glad I gave in and did it. Your research is right that it definitely does not cause attachment issues with our babies. They still love you just the same. They already have that consistent bond, but they need to learn how to be independent to go to sleep at night.
    I also think that what you mentioned is true. They did not replicate the study, so there were not enough studies that could prove or disprove that theory. It is a perfectly healthy way to deal with a child’s crying, and I think that research needs to continue to be done to help mothers like you and I when we are at our wits end. I bet if mothers had further research on this topic, they would feel better that it was scientifically proven.

    Great blog!
    -Arielle

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