Social media has grown exponentially in the last few decades. As a milennial, I grew up in a changing world, and the technology grew as I did. This also means that dating websites became wildly popular as I became an adult. I had Bumble, Tinder, OkCupid, MeetMe, PlentyOfFish, and the one I met my husband on: Hinge. Something I have observed in my time on all these sites is the insane amount of choices a person may have on these sites at any given time. When I first started on these sites, I was sweet, and replied to most of the messages I got from folks who even had a little in common with me.
After a while online and multiple less-than-magical dates, however, I found myself becoming extremely selective with my messages. If the person was not super attractive, funny, watched the same shows as me, liked the same things, etc., I would not even give them the time of day. If they did not respond to me quickly, I deleted them. If they replied too quickly, I deleted them. I started becoming so selective that if the initial message was not clever or interesting, I would not even open it. In fact, my husband’s initial message to me was about Freddie Mercury (I’m a HUGE Queen fan) and that was the only reason I even responded to him. He is not photogenic so I thought his pictures were not amazing, and his profile did not seem interesting to me. Now, 1.5 years of marriage and one very cute baby boy later, I find myself reflecting on the factors that led me to him, and I cannot help but wonder if my pickiness was a result of an endless amount of choices. I am glad I chose my husband, really, but as I talk to my single friends and swipe through hundreds of tinder profiles with them, I find that we are very judgmental and hyper-focus on small details instead of the big picture. Are they actually red flags, or are we spoiled brats?
I started digging around to see if I was the only one feeling this way, and as it turns out, in research by Pronk & Denissen (2019) the authors explore the idea that social media and online dating has caused some users to develop a so-called “rejection mindset.” This essentially means that we are presented with too many options and the overwhelming amount of choices can cause decision paralysis or a decrease in satisfaction. Ya know, the old saying of the grass being greener on the other side? Online dating is like that, except one yard is all weeds and the other side is astroturf.
The average tinder user is shown 140 options per day (Pronk & Denissen, 2019). How many of us actually physically interact with 140 potential mates per day? (This was pre-corona. The good old days.) That number is just on one app, on average. Imagine that number, but on each site, and a lot of users have more than one site they use for dating. One could potentially view hundreds of profiles a day, and maybe only respond to a dozen. Ironically, all these choices cause us to look harder and harder, search more, and seek out someone better and better each time, which has been deemed “dating burnout” or my personal favorite “Tinder fatigue” (Pronk & Denissen, 2019).
I am curious to hear others’ opinions on online dating, and if they feel they experience this as well. Mine ultimately turned out to be a success, and for that I am grateful, but I have a very close friend who has not been as lucky, and we often look at her messages together and pick out cuties and potential man candy for her. I wonder if future dating sites will have more advanced matchmaking options, or if we are all better off just going out and meeting new people without all the strain of endless options.
References
Pronk, T. M., & Denissen, J. J. A. (2020). A Rejection Mind-Set: Choice Overload in Online Dating. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 11(3), 388–396. https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550619866189
Have you ever heard the phrase “too much of a good thing”? While it might sound like just another trite cliché, as it turns out this and many clichés are true. When we are faced with an overwhelming amount of options it can be impossible to make a choice and we are paralyzed by our indecision. Much like the author of this blog post, I have seen the effects of online dating, not from a personal perspective but from the outsider looking in. I have watched friends struggle to find a match and I’ve witnessed the good and the bad that comes with dating apps.
The situation of all the options but no good options is one that many people have lamented about in a number of realms, most often connected to our fast-paced and vastly connected digital lives. This phenomenon can absolutely be found in the realm of technology and dating apps. Between Tinder, Zoosk, OkCupid, and countless others, daters can be hit with quite the barrage of pings, beeps, blips, and so forth. Swiping through all these options, clicking on the appropriate buttons, and filtering through all the profiles and messages becomes an almost insurmountable task. How can one be expected to make a choice when the options are quite literally endless? To be fair, we cannot weigh the options and actually make a decision, there is barely time to sift through and operate on first impressions and gut reactions.
Too many options are a true and documented problem. According to Best and colleagues, what it boils down to is this “because of the increased choice we get a case of too much information, too many choices, too many potential (and potentially unsatisfying) mates”, and it “creates what can only be termed a shopping culture of dating, which often serves to sap the dating energies of participants.” (Best, Kirsty, & Sharon Delmege, 2011). Meaning that by the time a person swipes through all of their options they may not have the energy or interest in going on the actual date, these people suffer from “Dating Fatigue”. Part of that fatigue is because you have to work to present yourself in a way that appeals to your potential matches and the work doesn’t end there. As presented by Janelle Ward, the process has multiple steps “self-present in a way that makes you attractive to others. Once a connection is made, begin the process of relationship-building through self-disclosure.” (Ward, 2016). This way takes much more work than the traditional form of dating where you happen to meet someone and decide to spend time together. There are not the personas to create or break down to find the true person beneath.
On the other hand, there are perks to online dating that should be considered, as reported by Ellison, Heino, and Gibbs, those are the “Ubiquitous access to the Internet, the diminished social stigma associated with online dating, and the affordable cost of Internet matchmaking services contribute to the increasingly common perception that online dating is a viable, efficient way to meet dating or long-term relationship partners” (Ellison, Heino, & Gibbs, 2006). So, perhaps it offers too many options, but it is convenient and does offer great variety. Also,it is a safe way to view your options without having to endure a bad date first.
There is a balance to be struck in online dating and using dating apps. One has to go through enough profiles to get a good selection of people to choose from while still having enough energy left to date. In addition, one must tailor their profile to appeal to others and present their “best face”, but at the same time being true enough to themselves to not portray a person that is unlike themselves. As Ellison, Heino and Gibbs reported “if participants aspire to an intimate relationship, their desire to feel understood by their interaction partners will motivate self-disclosures that are open and honest as opposed to deceptive” (Ellison, Heino, & Gibbs, 2006). Being true to ourselves is as important to online dating as it is in every other aspect of our lives.
Balance in dating, like in all things is the key. Dating apps are a tool and can be dangerous, the way we use them determines the outcome. They can help us see many options and we have a way to screen them in a safe way. However, they can also overwhelm us, fatigue us and desensitize us to the good things that could be standing right in front of us. Technology is everywhere and choices are tempting, but we need to be careful and not just give into temptation or looking for someone “better” and skip over the work needed to create depth in our relationships. Depth is not something quickly found, but something cultivated and tended. It cannot be accomplished with a swipe.
Whereas fewer and fewer people are meeting and falling in love in the traditional ways because life is busier and everyday new technology is developed to “help us”. Fewer and fewer people are meeting at bars, clubs and more and more are meeting in messenger, in email, or by zoom. Still. people are finding each other and that is the most important thing because we are social creatures and not made to live our lives alone. You might be able to find the love of your life on Tinder, but to keep it and to create the depth of a true and lasting relationship, you have to step away from electronics.
References
Best, Kirsty, and Sharon Delmege. “The filtered encounter: Online dating and the problem of filtering through excessive information.” Social Semiotics 22.3 (2012): 237-258.
Ellison, N., Heino, R., & Gibbs, J. (2006). Managing impressions online: Self-presentation processes in the online dating environment. Journal of computer-mediated communication, 11(2), 415-441.
Ward, J. (2016). Swiping, matching, chatting: Self-presentation and self-disclosure on mobile dating apps. Human IT: Journal for Information Technology Studies as a Human Science, 13(2), 81-95.