How did you two meet? This question is one of the most commonly asked when couples venture out into public places together. Movies and books depict grand romantic moments where both people fell instantly in love at first sight. But in reality, most of us will never experience that at all. Most often, we meet people based on the situation we are in and the circumstances surrounding it. Situational influences can turn a familiar person into a friend and eventually into a partner (Gruman, Schneider, and Coutts, 2016). The more frequent these people enter into our lives, the most likely it is we’ll find something that attracts us, like mutual interests. During this time, differences or negative traits won’t be as noticeable as we experience the halo effect, idealizing the partner we have found (Förster, Özelsel, and Epstude, 2010). It’s typically not until the relationship has been established, do we begin to understand the whole person we’ve decided to be with. 

My girlfriend and I met only because of the specific situation we were in. Her freshman year of college, she was put into a supplemental room, which is when the university runs out of dorms and common rooms are used to fit 6 or 7 random people. One of her roommates happened to be enrolled in the architecture program, which at that time so was I, and another one attended the same high school I did. Thankfully even though the placement was random, everyone got along and five out of the seven ended up finding an apartment off campus the following year. The apartment they found was previously occupied by one of her roommates siblings and happened to be two doors down from where my older sister had lived and where I was now moving into. Due to our mutual connections, we ended up spending a lot of time together and eventually realized how much we had in common. The biggest attraction was simply realizing how easy the conversation was making it all feel very natural. We were definitely friends first and didn’t initially plan on dating. It took a few years to reach a relationship, but the only reason we even met was completely due to the circumstance we were in.

Aside from experiencing the halo effect at the beginning of the relationship, we also benefitted from living two doors down the hall from each other and living in an environment where we weren’t quite real adults with responsibilities. Our biological desire to meet our social needs and find specific people to be close with certainly came into play, especially once we were both single (Gruman, Schneider, and Coutts, 2016). We thrived on the physical proximity our situation provided and took advantage of being able to be close to each other and feel the comfort of knowing we weren’t alone. It was also nice to be able to spend time with my friends but also have my girlfriend present since our friend group had been established long before our relationship. I didn’t often have to choose between spending time with them and her, which only increased our affection for one another.

Even though our relationship didn’t begin with us starring deep into each other’s eyes across the room, but both admit feeling initial hints of attraction long before we became a couple. The primacy effect took place without us completely realizing and likely caused us to continue to investigate further and find other aspects that we found attractive (Gruman, Schneider, and Coutts, 2016). Once we did, we realized the many of traits we loved about each other and allowed ourselves to build a relationship based on those ideas. Our shared sense of pessimism, the similar way we approach stressful situations, and the never ending level of support are just some of the reasons we fell in love. Of course now that we have been together for years, the halo effect has faded and we certainly are aware of each other’s downfalls as well. However the bond we already created allows us to accept each other and encourage personal growth. I still believe our story is meaningful and worth sharing even if it wouldn’t make it into the movies. An invisible string brought us to each other long before we even knew and hopefully we can prevent it from breaking for a very long time.

References:

Förster, J., Özelsel, A., & Epstude, K. (2010). How love and lust change people’s perception of relationship partners. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 46(2), 237–246. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2009.08.009

Gruman, J. A., Schneider, F. W., & Coutts, L. M. (Eds.). (2016). Applied social psychology : Understanding and addressing social and practical problems. SAGE Publications.