Humans are a complicated and diverse species. Diversity can apply to many ends of the spectrum from skin color to age to overall intelligence. Deviants (criminals) are obviously not unheard of and despite their morals, many are considered to be masterminds such as the likes of Leonardo Notarbartolo and Al Capone. I’m sure that the fact that there are countless ones that are not too bright comes as a shock to no one. Here are a few of the “dumbest” criminals that I have heard of.

Gary Rough AKA Cucumber Man 

28-year-old Gary Rough attempted to rob a bookmaker shop in Glasgow, Scotland. For reference, a bookmaker’s or bookie’s is a place in which someone facilitates gambling, most commonly on sporting events. Amidst the robbery, Rough pointed a cylindrical object at a worker… it was assumed to be a gun. Shortly after the worker refused him, an off-duty officer came to the rescue and pinned the supposed robber to the ground, and punched him in the face to subdue him. This was when it was discovered that what Gary had was not a gun but rather a cucumber covered with a black sock. The practically knocked out Rough told police: “It was a f****** cucumber. Will I get jail for this? It was a dare.” Well, his question was answered on February 27th, 2014 as the plumber was sentenced to 40 months in jail with the charges of assault with intent to rob. One of his statements was “I think it was quite stupid – I am not a robber. It was a laugh that went too far.”

Derrick Mosley AKA Batman 

Planning is normally a priority when it comes to committing most crimes, especially a robbery. 22-year-old Derrick Mosley didn’t seem to get the memo as he attempted to pull off a grand heist on a Thursday afternoon. Mosley attempted to rob a gun shop outside of Portland, Oregon. His weapon of choice: a baseball bat. Yup, you read that correctly, this man seriously brought a baseball bat to a GUN SHOP. The manager of the shop witnesses him smashing a gun display case with his bat and struggled to pull out a few unloaded guns. The practically unfazed manager pulled out a gun of his which stopped the would-be robber in his tracks. It was said that he was teasing him as he was waiting for authorities to arrive. Washington County soon came to the scene and found Mosley on the floor when they arrived. He was charged with first-degree robbery and unlawful possession of a firearm with bail set at $250,000.

Joey Miller and Matthew McNelly AKA Dumb and Dumber

Do you think that picture above is a joke? Oh, how I wish it was. 23-year-old Matthew McNelly and 20-year-old Joey Miller attempted to rob an apartment in their hometown in Carroll, Iowa. They failed the break-in and fled the scene. Authorities were notified and found their vehicle in no time. They were shocked to find out that the two men inside had permanent marker marks all over their faces. “We’re very skilled investigators and the black faces gave them right away,” an officer said. “I have to assume the officers were kind of laughing at the time. I’ve never heard of coloring your face with a permanent marker.” The two were heavily intoxicated and targeted the place that they did because the owner was accused of having relations with one of the burglars’ girlfriends. The situation was extremely comical and became the talk of the town to the point that the two were let off the hook. Carroll Police Chief Cayler said, “I’ve been chief here almost 25 years, been with the department 28½ years and I’ve seen a lot of things that make me laugh and weird things but this was probably the best combination of the two — strangely weird and hilariously funny all at the same time.”

I have to admit, I’m not exactly the brightest crayon in the box but reading through this made me feel sharper than before. I’m not saying that I would ever commit a robbery but all I’m saying is that if I had to, I would probably not bring a baseball bat, a cucumber, or streak my face with a permanent marker. Since we are talking about criminals I will say that my friend from middle school who would frequently shoplift lip glosses from Walmart was at least more clever than these grown men. Hi Samantha, I hope life’s going better for ya. Okay all jokes aside, I honestly am curious to know what was going on in their heads when they were committing these crimes. Heck, I wanna know what they were thinking before and after as well. These cases are very peculiar, to say the least… what are your thoughts?