The Knower of the World, interesting huh? If you look it up you’ll most likely come across articles relating to Buddha. That’s not why I chose it, I’m not what you would call a man of faith. I chose the title because through all my training I have become a Knower of the world in the sense I was trained to look for lies, to manipulate other’s to achieve a goal (uh oh!) To look at you, listen to you and find what makes you tick, what buttons I can push, and how I can use you to my advantage. Scary huh? I’m quite good at it too, so good in fact it scares me.
Now why am I telling you this? How could you trust me after saying all that. Why would you even want to talk to me because of that. Well simply put I wouldn’t do it to you. At least the manipulation to achieve a goal or anything similar. So please don’t worry about that what I want to share with you is this. I can see through the looking glass so to speak and honestly it’s terrible.
Since getting out, I’ve tried to reconnect with people, make new friends, and build a life up here for myself. Yet I find myself more and more alienating people, and purposely avoiding any and everyone. Why you may ask well the answer is simple, people lie and I always know. I won’t tell you, I won’t acknowledge it but I know. I see people trying to manipulate others in such half hazard fashions (to me at least) it’s laughable. I try to make new friends only to know instantly I can’t trust them. I’m able to make an astute and accurate observation of a person after only three active conversations with them. Which is why I keep my conversations short or onto completely random topics away from personal stuff because I want to like you. I don’t do this on purpose when I say it’s natural for me after so many years of having to be that way it’s become second nature. This also goes towards news stories, politicians, any and everything. I’ve been trained to see through the looking glass so to speak. While it’s helped me grow intellectually, it’s also left me depressed and pessimistic about there being any good in the world.
I mean we literally judge people for everything from how they dress, what music they listen too, to what they look like and for wanting just to be happy. I don’t care about any of that, you comfortable? Fuck yea then wear that! You like a particular type of music that I’m not into. Fuck it rock out buddy I may not get it but it’s awesome you do! Your gay? Good shit hope you get the equality that as a straight male I have. You hate the military? Oh well it happens we’re all not perfect…I kid…. I kid but seriously just be you.
Now I’m not a good man I sacrificed that during my first two tours. I’d do it again in a heart beat if it meant protecting everyone again but I’m aware of the price I paid for doing what I had to do. I strive everyday to get the proverbial refund and become what I see as a good person. If you talk to me you’ll see after having to lie for the past 7.5 years about my life and everything I did I am so uninhibited with my honesty it’s gonna catch you off guard. There’s a joy in being alive, yet if you pay attention as I talked about above you see that hint of sadness/despair within my eyes.
I’m sure things will change, they always do. I mean I went from getting arrested at 18-20 years old numerous times, ignorant to the world around me to working at the Pentagon with the highest security clearance you can get. I’ve been around the world and learned alot and still a part of me wishes the veil hadn’t been lifted. I’m a big fan of solitude I’m not a big fan of feeling alone. I’m tired of seeing through the looking glass, I’m ready to leave wonderland.