I believe in the beauty, power, and constructive nature of a heartbreak. Now let me explain myself. This is not the belief I had planned on discussing. I was going to write that I believe in the power of perseverance, but my friend told me this idea was better topic that would reach out to more minds. You may begin reading this and wonder where I am taking my point. I can assure that you, my reader, will learn something new. We have all been in this situation at some point in our lives, so I hope that all who read this will be able to relate. Most people you meet in your life will try to spin together some sort of cliché story of their first heartbreak in middle school. Usually they’ll say that they cried for a while and moved on. These are not the kinds of heartbreaks I am talking about. I want to discuss the true and nasty heartbreaks that leave you feeling stranded on an island with no hope in sight. I am talking about the heartbreaks that drop you to your knees; the heartbreaks that leave you feeling empty inside.
My first break up left me feeling as if I were a person who was incapable of being loved. My first break-up was when I was fifteen. I dated a boy, we will call him “Chad”, on and off for nearly two years. Chad decided one day that he wanted to have another girlfriend. We will call her “Sally”. Chad thought it would be a good idea that he made sure Sally liked him before he left me. Chad was quite the conniver. So, for about three days, he technically had two girlfriends. I remember when he broke the news to me. I was sitting downstairs at my home computer doing my schoolwork. I wept for days. My mother tried to comfort me, but nothing could soothe my aching heart. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t loved by Chad. Every day I had to see Chad and Sally hold hands in school. It was an embarrassment. I was the girl that Chad didn’t want. I was teased by my “friends” and he never left me alone. If I tried to move on, he would tell boys nasty lies about me to scare them away. Chad did not want me; however, no one else could have me. He would continue to toy with me until I was about sixteen years old. I put up with him barraging me with passive aggressive insults and demeaning comments. I felt as if I was not worthy of love, and I feared that I no longer would be able to give love. One day I decided that I was worthy of love, that I was able to give love, and that I was a stronger than I knew. I stayed out of serious relationships for a very long time. I was young and carefree. When you are in that tender age group, everything seems as if it comes bearing down on you. It’s almost like the cosmos is closing in on you and you have nowhere to run. Any event feels magnified under a looking glass where the world is watching you like a television screen. I knew that I did not need nor desire the attention of my peers. I didn’t need anyone to tell me if I was good-enough. I knew deep down that I was fine the way I was.
Until he showed up. He came and ruined everything I had built. He will not have a name, not even a given one, for I do not feel he deserves such acknowledgement. He came into my life at a sensitive time- I was seventeen and my parents were having some trouble. I didn’t know if they were going to stay together. He used that against me. He found my weakness, grasped my soul, and ripped out the person I had built myself to be. All my newly found strength, all my confidence was torn from my body and thrown aside. I became his puppet. I did as he pleased. I feared his consequences. I wasn’t allowed to be myself. If I disobeyed, I was found with my arm twisted behind my back and my shoulder feeling as if it were to pop out of its socket. If I gave any attitude, I was met with anger. Not only did he lay his hand on me, but he also emotionally and psychologically attacked me. I was “ugly”, I was the “b-word”, and most importantly I was “insane”. If I asked for him to spend time with me, I was met with an annoyed stare. I didn’t know what I could and could not say. I didn’t know what I was allowed to do. Finally, one year of disaster later, I was set free. I don’t know if there is a heaven or a hell, but if there is, I’ve met a demon. When he left me, I felt deserted. I was once again in the trap of feeling worthless. I fell into a deep depression. Most people do not understand what it feels like to be with someone so manipulative. It becomes common place. You only know what they have shown you, and that acts as a realm of normalcy until you find your way out. I lost all confidence in my abilities. I no longer felt smart, creative, or special. I felt like I wasn’t destined for greatness anymore. The person that I was had ran away; she didn’t come back for awhile. Luckily for me, he has moved across the country. I will never have to see him in my hometown. I found comfort in the knowledge that he can never come back to me again.
So those two stories sound rather pitiful, correct? Yes, you’re right. How could these two break-ups possibly be positive experiences in my life? Easily. They were beautiful, strong lessons about the vigor for life that we can find buried deep within ourselves in the whirlwind of heartbreaks. When I felt as if there was nothing that I had to offer, time sat by my side and reassured me that I would be able to push past the nonsense. Time showed me that I can do whatever I want in this life. The breakups allowed time to be my ally. Without these breakups, I wouldn’t be the woman that I am today. I wouldn’t have learned that I am able to say no to a man. I wouldn’t have learned that I have so much meaning and purpose in the life that I am living. The breakups tore me down and let me be born anew. Breakups are a miracle, they allow you to reinvent yourself to the best version you can be. Had these two men not come into my life, broken my heart, and left, then who would I be today? I don’t know. I don’t wish to know, because I believe I would not be as strong as I am now. Breakups are a part of the trials and tribulations of life. Embrace heart ache, think of it as a workout. It is simply making the muscles of your will stronger than ever before.
Heartbreaks are beautiful.
That is what I believe.