I remember waking up to the same blaring alarm I had far overused every day for school for far too long. Drowsy and annoyed I slammed the snooze.
“Why does this have to be on a Saturday?”
I went downstairs and prepared for my first triathlon. At 12 years old, I naturally wouldn’t be able to keep up with seasoned athletes double to triple my age, so I joined a kids triathlon: shorter distances, easier competition, essentially more conducive to a first experience in the sport. I hadn’t excessively trained, nor was I overly anxious to begin the race; I was simply participating because, why not?
Upon arriving, I felt out of place. All these other kids had all the gear, fancy sports drinks, and parents coaching them as if it were the Olympics. Nonetheless, I was determined to try my best in this new experience.
Start times were staggered for each of the kids, so while I generally could guess how well I was doing, there was no clear scale on how I actually stood among the rest of my competition. By the end of the running segment, the final portion, I was tired, wet, and ready to go home, but all the kids were required to stay for the awards ceremony after. This meant waiting for every single participant to finish, clean up their things, and make their way to the main pool for announcements.
They had various prizes they were giving out from water bottles to granola bars to the grand prize at the event: a brand new bike. As prizes came and went, I became exceedingly bored and honestly probably fell asleep once or twice by the time they got to the bike.
In a blur, I hear a faded “And the winner is, Matthew Caissie!” I don’t remember walking up to the announcer, I just remember all of the sudden being there in total shock and disbelief as they handed me the papers to this brand new $600 bike.
Okay so, I may have misled all of you. The bike was not the prize for finishing the race the fastest. In fact, it had nothing to do with my performance that day in the least bit. It was part of a raffle all of the contestants were entered into upon signing up for the triathlon. I essentially could have come in last place and I still would have won that bike, which by the way is still the bike I use to this day.
What I find important from this event is that I tried something new. I went on to compete in five more triathlons, which led to me putting myself into several 5ks. These eventually fizzled out as I moved on to other activities, but from then on I always enjoyed trying new things any chance I could get.
Going out of my comfort zone won me a new bike, and in the future would help me to find jobs, make new friends, start hobbies, and most importantly enjoy myself.
Sure, it may have been lucky that I won the bike, but I like to think of the saying, “Luck is when preparation meets opportunity.” I made a habit of putting myself in situations when new, exciting opportunities would become available to me, and it hasn’t failed me since.
Even though it isn’t the easiest thing to do, I always try to push myself to try new things, because when you push yourself, that’s when good things happen.
Your start is strong! It really hooks in the reader/listener and makes them wonder what your story is going to be and what your “I Believe” will be. Your body is also great, the story flows well and your language is concise and sensible. One thing I would change is that in the beginning, I’d want to see you say why you joined the triathlon and went out of your comfort zone in the first place, in a way that’s a bit more compelling than “why not?” Other than that, it looks really great so far!
1.Identify the conflict of this piece. If you think the conflict needs work, offer suggestions.
The conflict was really well put together. I think from the start it is super relatable. Everyone can understand the feeling of getting up early for something they are not thrilled about.
2. Comment on the arrangement of the piece. Could the piece be more sensory or engaging if told another way? Think about the beginning, middle, and ending. Comment on how they could be strengthened.
I thought it was great. It kept my attention the entire way through and the twist at the end was fantastic. As the story drew toward you winning the triathlon it was easy to hate you but the end worked perfectly with your belief.
3. Name some possibilities for deeper characterization. How could the “I” be developed further? Is there more you would like to know about the relationships between “characters”? Were some details “author oriented” instead of “audience oriented”?
Great story telling ability. I never found myself losing interest or attention
4. Did the belief match up with the story? Offer some advice if you felt the piece moved toward a different conclusion.
Like I said before, the twist at the end works perfectly with your belief.
5. Suggest ways that the piece could engage the senses more.
Honestly I thought it was really good. Minor changes and you should be fine in my opinion