(Draft of Essay)
A single can of gasoline, oil, or dissolvent can pollute millions of liters of water. The water we wash the dishes with. The water we bathe in. The water we drink. Water pollution often goes unnoticed; however, it is a very real and prevalent issue in the world today. Meanwhile, the civic artifact of the landscape aims to bring awareness to the environmental struggle we are currently facing today while drawing upon the commonplace of conserving the wilderness. By doing so, the artifact encourages viewers to think of this pristine space, as well as reflect upon the visual rhetoric of it in its entirety. Moreover, another civic artifact of a baby bottle filled with dirty water also attempts to bring awareness to water pollution but focuses on a different commonplace about “thinking of the children.” While this evoke certain emotions, it does not always lead to action, as certain audiences have not dealt with the struggles of not having clean access to water. In turn, both civic artifacts bring attention to the lack of representation certain areas receive when it comes to environmental justice. Ultimately, it relates to the 17 sustainable development goals, and in particular, clean water and sanitation. Still, both artifacts exemplify impressive visual rhetoric that encourages individuals to reflect on their actions in a meaningful way.
To begin, the first civic artifact illustrates this outsized image of a paint bucket that is wrenching this basket of nature. Immediately, this draws the reader in, as they know paint does not belong in a river; therefore, they are left with emotions of anger, grief, and even guilt. This reaction from the reader is expected, as many people have a picture in their mind of what the wild should look like. Maybe it is a vast desert, full of sand dunes and cacti, void of any human existence. Perhaps, it could be a picturesque mountain with snow kissing down on the peak. Or it could be as pictured– a lush green forest with a river streaming through the middle. Either way, people see these wilderness landscapes as something they want to preserve. Ultimately, this commonplace of wilderness is what drives individuals to want to take care of these pristine spaces.
Meanwhile, the second civic artifact of the baby bottle filled with contaminated, dirty water, draws upon a different commonplace of “thinking of the children.” Upon viewing the image, one can see the brown liquid, marked by dirt and contaminants. No one would ever want to allow this for their child. Therefore, they are filled with feelings of disgust and a sense of protection for their kids. Since they want to protect their family, this causes them to consider how water pollution can directly affect them.
However, some may see this picture and maybe not be as closely affected tied to it, because they most likely have never dealt with the hardships of not having clean access to water each day. Yet, just because one can’t see the problem right in front of them, doesn’t mean that it is not happening. Not having access to clean water is a real problem in today’s world and both civic artifacts, together, insinuate a lack of representation that exists in today’s society when it comes to environmental justice.
(still continuing here)
- environmental justice
- 17 sdgs – clean water and sanitation
It is important to note that preservation should extend beyond the wilderness since it is only a social construct at the end of the day. For some background, the definition of wilderness has been debated throughout history, with poets and philosophers attempting to define its true essence. Ask Henry David Thoreau its definition and he would tell you it is the key to preserving the world. Yet, if you were to ask William Wadsworth he would relate wilderness to the feelings of anxiety and awe. Essentially, its honest definition can be described in vastly different ways, in which there is no single “true” definition. Nonetheless, it is a concept that has captivated people for centuries.
Moreover, wilderness can be concluded as a human construct, in which people’s perspectives of it are based upon a wide range of factors. To go off this idea, note that wilderness has not always been preserved the way many feel it is today. In fact, it was not until after the Second Industrial Revolution did people begin to care about the wilderness. Since people were fleeing to the cities, people saw the frontier as “vanishing.” With this new outlook of a disappearing frontier, some people began to mourn the frontier’s way of life, because of its more simple, primitive ways. In turn, this led more and more people to want to preserve the wilderness in its own natural state (Cronon 13). This then laid “the seeds of wilderness preservation in the United States, for if wild land had been so crucial in the making of the nation, then surely one must save its last remnants as monuments to the American past – and as an insurance policy to protect its future” (Cronon 13). In other words, this meant that the perspective towards the wilderness shifted into a conservational approach.
^^^ going to change this a bit but want to talk about how the wilderness is not the only place we care about preserving. Our actions impact more than just the “wilderness.” In fact, it heavily impact developing countries and can have detrimental effects on people’s health which goes along with the lens of misrepresentation.
Speech Outline
- Opening
- First artifact
- Can of paint, gas, dissolvent can pollute millions of tons of water
- Water pollution is overlooked
- Lack of representation
- Water pollution is overlooked
- Commonplace – preserving the wilderness
- Can of paint, gas, dissolvent can pollute millions of tons of water
- Second artifact
- Baby water bottle
- Commonplace – think of the children
- Lack of representation
- Different commonplaces, same message of preserving the environment
- Also both touch on the lack of representation
- Environmental justice
- 17 sdgs – clean water and sanitation
- Also both touch on the lack of representation
- First artifact
- First artifact
- Visual rhetoric – outsized bucked, pristine land
- Emotions: anger, grief, guilt
- Commonplace of the wilderness → preserving the wilderness is important
- Visual rhetoric – outsized bucked, pristine land
- Second artifact
- Visual rhetoric
- Commonplace of thinking of the children – don’t want your children to have that → want to protect your children → want to protect the environment
- However not all people think like this because they never had to directly deal with a dirty bottle → ignorance to what is going on around them since it doesn’t directly concern them or affect their everyday life
- Leads into how both artifacts come together and show a lack of representation
- Wilderness is a social construct → shouldn’ t be the only place we preserve
- How we need to focus on environmental justice more → focus on how our actions impact developing countries (baby bottle)
- How we need to think about the 17 sdgs → clean water and sanitation
Conclusion
- Call to action -There is still time for us to come together for the betterment of our planet However, it’s time we make a change. And it’s time we make a change now.
Commenters: This is the unfinished draft of my essay. The whole essay is not here yet, but feel free to focus on anything above where I say (still continuing here).
I think you have a thorough introduction that does a great job introducing your artifacts well to the reader. That being said however, I would be careful not to go too far in depth regarding the analysis of the artifacts within your introduction. For example, including “By doing so, the artifact encourages viewers to think of this pristine space, as well as reflect upon the visual rhetoric of it in its entirety.” may be more effective if you include it in a body paragraph, rather than in an introduction. I also think that for your arrangement, it would be effective to include your discussion surrounding the idea of wilderness after you discuss how the first artifact addresses the commonplace of “the wilderness. Additionally, I wanted to read more about how the artifact engages with the reader’s emotions as you discuss how the artifact invokes a sense of anger, disgust, grief, and guilt — maybe these emotions can be further explored within their own paragraph. Overall, I think you have a lot of goof invention based off what you’ve posted!
1. Identify the writer’s main claim about the rhetoric, ideology, lenses of analysis, or and subtext of the piece. – “Meanwhile, the civic artifact of the landscape aims to bring awareness to the environmental struggle we are currently facing today while drawing upon the commonplace of conserving the wilderness. By doing so, the artifact encourages viewers to think of this pristine space, as well as reflect upon the visual rhetoric of it in its entirety. Moreover, another civic artifact of a baby bottle filled with dirty water also attempts to bring awareness to water pollution but focuses on a different commonplace about “thinking of the children.” While this evoke certain emotions, it does not always lead to action, as certain audiences have not dealt with the struggles of not having clean access to water. In turn, both civic artifacts bring attention to the lack of representation certain areas receive when it comes to environmental justice. Ultimately, it relates to the 17 sustainable development goals, and in particular, clean water and sanitation. Still, both artifacts exemplify impressive visual rhetoric that encourages individuals to reflect on their actions in a meaningful way.”
2. Identify and comment on the writer’s introduction or “way in” for this piece of rhetoric. Name one thing that might be added, deleted, changed, or moved. – “A single can of gasoline, oil, or dissolvent can pollute millions of liters of water. The water we wash the dishes with. The water we bathe in. The water we drink. Water pollution often goes unnoticed; however, it is a very real and prevalent issue in the world today.”
3. Warning flags: check any of the following predominant themes this paper contains that might suggest a weak introduction or thesis:
Rhetoric is everywhere X
Artifacts try to persuade us X
Life really isn’t like what the artifact proclaims X
Rhetoric has many components X
Ads are deceptive X
The artifact did a great job X
The artifact catches your eye X
4. Find a strong analytical topic sentence and a weak one. Explain why you have identified them as such.
Strong – “Moreover, wilderness can be concluded as a human construct, in which people’s perspectives of it are based upon a wide range of factors. ” Does a good job transitioning the ideas.
Weak: None present yet
5. Comment on the organization of the piece. What other possible arrangement strategies might make more of the material and develop arguments more fully? How well is the second comparative piece of rhetoric incorporated?
I think it was well done, and if you continue at this level, it should be good!
6. You wanted to read more about…. The stuff that will be explained in the rest when you finish it.
1: Main Claim: “In turn, both civic artifacts bring attention to the lack of representation certain areas receive when it comes to environmental justice. Ultimately, it relates to the 17 sustainable development goals, and in particular, clean water and sanitation. Still, both artifacts exemplify impressive visual rhetoric that encourages individuals to reflect on their actions in a meaningful way.”
2: The author’s “way in” to introduce the topic: “A single can of gasoline, oil, or dissolvent can pollute millions of liters of water. The water we wash the dishes with. The water we bathe in. The water we drink. Water pollution often goes unnoticed; however, it is a very real and prevalent issue in the world today.” I think this is very effective. I like the use of anaphora to introduce the topic. The only comment I could make is in the last sentence “real and prevalent issue” sounds kind of wordy and restates a similar thing. You could get away with just saying prevalent issue.
3: No warning flags.
4: Strong: You have multiple strong claims but one that stood out to me was: “the second civic artifact of the baby bottle filled with contaminated, dirty water, draws upon a different commonplace of “thinking of the children.”” I liked the analytic phrase “draws upon.” It effectively tells your reader exactly what the piece is doing and sets up the rest of the paragraph.
Weak: No topic sentences were particularly weak. The one that needs most work so far would be: “the first civic artifact illustrates this outsized image of a paint bucket that is wrenching this basket of nature.” I would recommend addressing the artifact by its name rather than by “the first artifact.” Also, a topic sentence should probably be a little more analytical. Like what does piece do instead of what it looks like.
5: The organization is going well so far, going back and forth between pieces is effective. I would just recommend referring to the artifact by names rather than by artifact 1 and 2.
6: I am excited to read the final product, especially how you plan on talking about the 17 sdg that applies.
1. Identify the writer’s main claim about the rhetoric, ideology, lenses of analysis, or and subtext of the piece.
“In turn, both civic artifacts bring attention to the lack of representation certain areas receive when it comes to environmental justice. Ultimately, it relates to the 17 sustainable development goals, and in particular, clean water and sanitation. Still, both artifacts exemplify impressive visual rhetoric that encourages individuals to reflect on their actions in a meaningful way.”
I liked this claim as it clearly states what you will be analyzing in your essay.
2. Identify and comment on the writer’s introduction or “way in” for this piece of rhetoric. Name one thing that might be added, deleted, changed, or moved.
You mention how a single can of gasoline can pollute millions of liters of water, which opened up the topic of the essay. Your introduction was descriptive, which I enjoyed, however, I feel that it described the artifacts too much, which may make your body paragraphs seem repetitive. I would recommend focusing more on introducing the artifacts themselves and their impacts, rather than describing in detail how the rhetoric is used.
3. Warning flags: check any of the following predominant themes this paper contains that might suggest a weak introduction or thesis:
Rhetoric is everywhere_no__
Artifacts try to persuade us_no__
Life really isn’t like what the artifact proclaims_no_
Rhetoric has many components_no_
Ads are deceptive_no_
The artifact did a great job_no_
The artifact catches your eye_no_
4. Find a strong analytical topic sentence and a weak one. Explain why you have identified them as such.
A strong topic sentence was “Moreover, wilderness can be concluded as a human construct, in which people’s perspectives of it are based upon a wide range of factors. To go off this idea, note that wilderness has not always been preserved the way many feel it is today,”. These two sentences allow you to expand on your point and also pose the idea that wildlife and environmental preservation are recent developments. Discussing this could amplify the importance of your essay.
I felt that the sentence, “It is important to note that preservation should extend beyond the wilderness since it is only a social construct at the end of the day,” was weak, since it uses more casual language which takes away from the sophistication of the rest of your essay.
5. Comment on the organization of the piece. What other possible arrangement strategies might make more of the material and develop arguments more fully? How well is the second comparative piece of rhetoric incorporated?
The paragraph “It is important to note that preservation should extend beyond the wilderness since it is only a social construct at the end of the day. For some background, the definition of wilderness has been debated throughout history, with poets and philosophers attempting to define its true essence. Ask Henry David Thoreau its definition and he would tell you it is the key to preserving the world. Yet, if you were to ask William Wadsworth he would relate wilderness to the feelings of anxiety and awe. Essentially, its honest definition can be described in vastly different ways, in which there is no single “true” definition. Nonetheless, it is a concept that has captivated people for centuries.” should definitely be included in the introduction of your essay. It introduces a new concept that hasn’t really been mentioned previously in the paper but also helps set the scene for why wilderness is so important. Adding this to your introduction and removing the in-depth descriptions of the rhetorical devices would make your essay flow much better.
6. You wanted to read more about…. the statistics and specific information regarding water pollution and how it affects people. How does it affect public health? Who is most affected? What areas of the world are most affected by water pollution? These points could be addressed in your introduction and also throughout the body of your essay.
Overall, great job!