Cole Mooney
Prof. O’Hara
Cas 138
1/22/20
This I Believe Draft
My right arm is wrapped around his head with my hand cupped around his chin, while my left arm is hooked under his right arm. I drop to my right hip, push off of my left foot while torquing my upper body in a clockwise motion. A few seconds later I pinned my opponent, earning my first win as a varsity wrestler. I still remember the crowd erupting with cheers, my teammates hopping up and down with excitement, and my coach displaying a smile in satisfaction. The joy I felt after the match was intoxicating. That year I had been pummeled, taken down, and pinned more times than I would like to admit. But the sense of accomplishment and fulfillment that I felt on that day is why I believe that everybody should get involved in wrestling.
The most crucial part for anyone who is trying to become a successful wrestler is discipline. Wrestling is a grueling sport and In order to win, one must master the techniques, takedowns, setups, and different ways to pin someone. A person must devote hours a day to intense drilling and exercise in order to both perfect their moves as well as condition and strengthen their body. Wrestling teaches an individual tomove slow in the beginning and master the technique before applying it to an opponent during a match. Wrestling will also teach a person to push beyond what they believe is their physical capabilities. Those who go through the motions or don’t push themselves always lose the close matches. They didn’t take the time to properly learn how to cradle someone and they gave up instead of squeezing out a few more push ups. In order to win the close matches, a wrestler must have the discipline to do what is necessary in order to be a champion.
Next, wrestlers have to know how to lose. When you start wrestling, you’ll lose a lot, and how you take losses will determine how much you will grow as a wrestler. Blaming others for your shortcomings won’t change the fact that you lost. When you lose, it’s best to figure out and understand why you lost. Where you off balance? Did you get caught on your back and where unable to get to your belly? Where you are unable to finish your double leg takedowns? Figuring out the root of your defeat is the first step to getting better. Ask the coach and teammates questions on how to better improve certain aspects of your wrestling, and emphasize on your weaknesses. Soon, you’ll become a skilled wrestler, winning matches with skills that were once foreign to you.
Finally, wrestling teaches you to look out for others. It’s quite obvious to tell if someone has never wrestled before. You see a piece of yourself in this newcomer. You remember what it felt like to be scared at practice so you go over and say hi, and walk him through the workout and drills. Soon you see this feeble boy transform into a strong man. He now moves with confidence and demonstrates an understanding for the sport. Seeing him win fulfills you with a sense of purpose. Watching him win reminds you that wrestling is more than winning for yourself, and what really matters is helping others win too.
I believe that wrestling is the best thing a young person can do to build character. I believe that when I am struggling to learn a new song on the guitar, that the value of discipline reminds me to slow down and take my time placing my fingers in the correct position to play a C chord. When I fail a test, I am reminded how to lose, I do not blame the teacher for failing me, but rather seek them out for aid, and find out what it is I could be doing better. And finally when I watch someone who is struggling, I am reminded to extend a helping hand, just as someone else has done for me, back when I started to wrestle.
Going from paragraph to paragraph I think it was great how you created such a strong sense of imagery in the beginning that any listener would be able to know your talking about wrestling. I think it was good that I can see a clear interest in wrestling and can explain what it takes to be a wrestler but, I don’t totally see what the bigger idea was. In a sense that I wasn’t able to read a “story”. You were just telling what you need to do to know how to wrestle , more similarly to a how to tutorial. I feel as though there needs to be a more relatable point to bring it down to because remember, everyone can’t box or know what it’s like to box so saying “you feel ____ when you see a newcomer, many, including myself don’t know what that feels like. You need to give YOUR actual story and explain how you felt rather than forcing the reader to know what you feel like. That being said, I understand what you were going for and that wrestling can help people to be stronger, etc but, your personal story is the basis of a Belief writing.
Good Luck, you’ll do great!!!!
1.Identify the conflict of this piece. If you think the conflict needs work, offer suggestions.
I think there are a lot of beliefs tied under one metaphor that you connect to wrestling. I think you could extend one of the three middle paragraphs into your whole This I Believe so that the piece is centered around one smaller belief, where you can tell one whole story.
2. Comment on the arrangement of the piece. Could the piece be more sensory or engaging if told another way? Think about the beginning, middle, and ending. Comment on how they could be strengthened.
I really like the beginning paragraph with all of the detail on your experience. The arrangement makes sense for this piece but it doesn’t center on you for a lot of the time. I think it could more personal.
3. Name some possibilities for deeper characterization. How could the “I” be developed further? Is there more you would like to know about the relationships between “characters”? Were some details “author oriented” instead of “audience oriented”?
I really get a sense of the “I” in the first and last paragraph, but I think there should be more of it throughout. You use the “you” a lot where there should be an “I” I think.
4. Did the belief match up with the story? Offer some advice if you felt the piece moved toward a different conclusion.
The belief matched with the story but I think you can narrow it down some, like I said.
5. Suggest ways that the piece could engage the senses more.
Again, tell more of a story about yourself with details, like the first paragraph.
6. Make a suggestion or two for something the author could move, change, add, or delete.
Like I said, add more “I” to this story.
To add on and be more specific, you DID explain an experience in the first paragraph but, you should make that a body paragraph instead and elongate it, for each sentence you explained what you did, explain how it made you feel and why. Also, when I say story mean a beginning middle and end of how it all happened, what it took to become a boxer, a detailed experience of boxing how every part of it made you feel, and then a conclusion as to why boxing MADE YOU how you are, not why everyone should box, if that makes sense. Just, make it more about you, personalize your story, it’s about you not others. Try to connect more, really show your passion for wrestling through different emotions, love, stress, etc.. 🙂