“This I Believe” Rough Draft
From the dawn of time, humans were implanted with this belief that there will always be someone by your side holding your handlebars as you pedaled through life. As you age you begin to realize that beliefs can turn to myths very quickly. As you get older you begin to realize that the world is cruel and horrid and that sometimes you must enter the world knowing how to ride a bike with no form of help. I grew up in this accursed world of loneliness. I grew up in the world of pedaling through dark alleyways, shady figures lurking around every corner and a life of distorted meaning. However, all of this darkness and hatred has led me to an area full of light. I once believed I was stuck in a bottomless pit with no escape, until one day someone stuck out their hand to me and said, “your safe now.” Growing up without parents has taught me no one could ever measure how talented you could possibly be or how successful you might become. The only person who could determine this, is yourself. It is when people start to depend on others that to begin to fail in the world. It starts when they fall prey to the idea that everyone in their life is there to help them grow, that they will never reach their true potential. It seems as to acquire success, a guideline must be followed. Lose everything in order to gain everything. A mother who was supposed to love me with all her heart and a father to show me the ways around being a man in this world were lacking in my life. So I became my own parent and feel as though I’m in the best spot possible. I learned how to see b0th sides of the playing field. Both male and female and that has allowed me to gather certain insight on certain situations. For instance, when learning to grow up with failing grades, I would tell myself, “You’re doing this for yourself and no one else.” often because that is truly who was there for me. When you fall, there is always at least one person to help pick you up. Yourself. Your own self-esteem and self-conscious are the only self-assured things that will never leave you. I believe people are not shaped or defined by traumatic events, I believe people have to live through failure in order to succeed, I believe that nobody determines your future except the person living it.
1.Identify the central conflict and structure (cause and effect, transformation, categorical) of this piece. Provide ideas for enhancing the central conflict structure/arrangement.
The central conflict is how you dealt with lonliness growing up and how you learned to nurture yourself. The structure is transformation, and I believe that it could be enhanced by stating the transformation in your beliefs at the beginning, as it would help develop a clearer thesis. The conflict would also be improved by a clear statement of transformation as it would help set up your piece.
2. Could the piece be more sensory or engaging if told another way? Comment on how the style could be strengthened. Provide an example from the draft.
I think that the piece could be more detailed by providing a specific story, a peek into a specific moment in your life where you concretely noticed your beliefs changing. It would also be great if there was some dialogue and descriptors incorporated in order to encapsulate the sensory aspect needed for this piece.
3. Name some possibilities for deeper characterization. How could the “I” be developed further? Is there more you would like to know about the relationships between “characters”? Were some details “author oriented” instead of “audience oriented”?
I believe that telling a concrete story would help expand your characterization, as it would help name a specific instance wherein your beliefs changed. I also wonder if the influence of others helped you come to this change, so I think it would be interesting if you incorporated that, or you stated how you came to this belief on your own or through a specific experience.
4. Did the belief match up with the story? Offer some advice if you felt the piece moved toward a different conclusion.Comment on places to strengthen narrative coherence and narrative fidelity.
There isn’t a concrete story, it’s a very abstract retelling of your emotions, which I believe would be better enforced through clear storytelling of a specific instance where you came to this belief. You should expand on the “failing grades” part of your story and expand on that.
5. Make a suggestion or two for something the author could move, change, add, or delete.
You should eliminate many of the abstract sentences that do not provide concrete examples, and you should also delete a lot of the over-the-top statements that muddle the overall conflict of the story.
1.Identify the central conflict and structure (cause and effect, transformation, categorical) of this piece. Provide ideas for enhancing the central conflict structure/arrangement.
It appears that the central conflict is within yourself, more specifically your struggle to find your way without your parents to help you. I think one thing you could do to improve on the central idea would be to elaborate on the kind of emotions that you struggled with during this time, which would allow greater insight to the listener.
2. Could the piece be more sensory or engaging if told another way? Comment on how the style could be strengthened. Provide an example from the draft.
I think that while this was an awesome piece and overall very engaging, there was not much sensory description included. Add a few short details for embellishment and you will be absolutely fine.
3. Name some possibilities for deeper characterization. How could the “I” be developed further? Is there more you would like to know about the relationships between “characters”? Were some details “author oriented” instead of “audience oriented”?
I think you did a great job of being audience oriented, as there were no large pieces that I struggled to understand. I also think you did a great job establishing yourself at the beginning by giving your perspective and your thoughts.
4. Did the belief match up with the story? Offer some advice if you felt the piece moved toward a different conclusion.Comment on places to strengthen narrative coherence and narrative fidelity.
While there was not a cohesive narrative, everything you said reflected back to your main point very effectively. If there were a place, I think the part speaking about learning both male and female perspectives and growing up with failing grades could benefit from specific examples.
5. Make a suggestion or two for something the author could move, change, add, or delete.
The only things that stuck out to me were very small, just a few grammatical errors towards the end. other than that, I think you did a great job with this first draft.