Apologies in advance that this is just not at all what either of my brainstorms were. Additional apologies that it’s far far from edited or near it’s final state by any means, as i’m still trying to figure out exactly how to word and portray my story and belief.
The cool air flowed through the airport and brushed my skin, forming goosebumps as I sat with my family, awaiting the boarding of our plane from California to North Carolina. This wasn’t a vacation to the east coast, but a move, after 4 years in the place we had made our home. At 11 years old, this was the 4th time I was moving states, I’d never even been at the same school for more than one year. New place, new school, new potential friends, new opportunity to have no friends at all, a fresh yet scary start. It was what I wanted, what I had begged my parents for before we even knew about Dad’s new job assignment, minus the fear of course. While these thoughts were all running through my head at a rapid pace, I couldn’t help but notice out of the corner of my eye that my mom was crying. My rock, my superhero, the only one that understood me when even I didn’t understand myself, and kept me grounded as I struggled in California, was upset about leaving, just as I was beginning to feel. It was only the second time I can ever remember seeing her cry. In our short time in California, we met friends that became family, and yet I was so caught up in the fresh start I so badly longed for, that I hadn’t even thought of the idea that this could be a hard move for not just my siblings and even me, but our parents as well. My emotions began to play tug-of-war, as I realized that while I was internally battling over the idea of a fresh start, and blaming myself with the negative possibilities that the move could bring, given that 11 year old me was convinced it was my asking that prompted the move, my mom was fighting her own internal battle. She had found her people, and was being taken from them during yet another move. I decided at that moment to be the strength, as my mom had done for me time and time again. I looked at her, and used a quote that I had read to the crowds of families during my 5th grade promotion just a week prior. “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”. Dr Seuss is who said it, and while I didn’t know then and still don’t know now the context of the sentence in his life, what I do know is that it’s one of the only quotes I’ve ever been able to remember distinctly, and represents the feeling of leaving comfort and familiarity behind, and walking into the unknown. I will never forget the look on my moms face when these words stumbled out of my mouth, my solid attempt at making her feel less alone, just as she had done for me in every aspect in life up to that point. She smiled at me, and told me that I was absolutely right, and our new adventure was waiting just across the country. This was the first time I had ever taken a step back to acknowledge the feelings of someone else, even when I was feeling my own, and the situation that has made me believe that you can feel and still sympathize. You can be struggling and still recognize someone’s struggle, and it’s ok to not be ok, because opportunity awaits around every corner.
1. The central Conflict of this piece is obviously moving across the country, from California to North Carolina. The structure seems to be cause and effect as Daniella explains how moving made her understand the importance of sympathizing for others while you are simultaneously sympathizing for yourself. To enhance this cause and effect structure, I would suggest mentioning your age in the beginning. I know you mentioned in the middle that you were in 5th grade, but to really emphasize the lack of understanding others feelings when you are upset I would make it clear that you were young and having a hard time leaving such a meaningful place.
2. I think the draft is very sensory engaging considering the scene is set in the airport and it is clear that you are with your whole family, but specifically trying to cheer your mom up. One idea for strengthening the style would be to use different lengths of sentences. Throughout the draft, I noticed there are a lot of sentences with a lot of commas which when I heard you perform it sounded great, but to clear up and strengthen some key ideas, some short sentences would be a nice touch.
3. As I said in my first point, you could definitely develop yourself as a stronger character in the beginning by emphasizing your young age and deep connection to not only California, but your family. I think it would be cool to mention how often you moved around as a child, but how staying in California was so different. Maybe also mention how moving around a lot brought your family closer together.
4. It is clear to me that after seeing your Mom cry in the airport, this was your first time as a child really sympathizing with others when you are in pain and struggling yourself. I would keep that in at the end, but also state a solid belief such as “I believe in the importance of lifting each other up” or “I believe in the strength of family” (knowing you are all getting through the move together) or something along those lines. Your story was great so I know you will figure it out:) Overall, your story made sense and matched your conclusion quite well.
5. As we said, at the end of your speech you have a lot of different ideas as to what your belief is so I would just solidify one. It is good to have details, but clarity as to what your belief came to be is necessary.
ery good first draft. I particularly enjoy (and relate) to the story. There is definitely a cause and effect structure being at play here, or even possibly a transformation structure considering how you changed from the one that likely needed consoling to the one who consoled — a process which I find fascinating.
I think you definitely have an appropriate amount of sensory elements, and I would just tell you not to lose that when you refine your draft.
I believe you are quite characterized, however, if you were to elect to add more information about yourself you could potentially add detail about your life in California and/or North Carolina.
The belief matched up the story. My recommendation would be to refine the amount to which you spend on description and maybe add a little bit
You have a strong and compelling story, and I appreciate how you are able to convey the internal feelings that come with a major move. However, I would like to see you introduce your main idea earlier in your piece. I thought you had a strong introduction that gives the listener a sense of what your piece will be about, but it may actually be misleading. For the whole piece, I thought your topic was about appreciating the memories you have, but at the end, it seems to shift towards empathy and emotional understanding. Perhaps you could do some rewording to clarify your topic, as well as include some mention of it in your introduction. Just make sure your piece is delivering the message you want it to. Other than that, however, this anecdote will lend itself well to whichever main topic you choose. I’m excited to see how you develop this piece. Great job!