Disney World’s supposed to be a magical place where families go to escape and have fun. While it can be overwhelming, expensive, and even exhausting, like any other kid I always wanted to go. When I was twelve, my family finally made the trip. My dad meticulously planned everything, meaning my siblings and I just got to enjoy each ride and attraction. What also eased our stress was my brother, Matthew’s, stroller.
Matthew was diagnosed with Mucolipidosis Type III. It’s a rare and currently incurable disorder. What it basically means is that he has intellectual and physical disabilities. After strenuous activities or even just climbing the stairs too many times at school, you can often hear him say “my bones hurt,” so walking around for hours, standing under the hot, July sun when he doesn’t even fully understand why we must wait wasn’t going to work. However, Disney gave our family a wheelchair tag. We strapped it onto his stroller, and wherever we went it was considered a wheelchair. Matthew could ride in his stroller up until he was stepping onto the ride.
Epcot was my favorite park by far, and my dad had hyped up their nighttime firework display all day. While searching for a spot to watch the show, we came across a wheelchair section. There were only a few other people in the large, roped off area. Wheeling my brother up to the railing, my mom, sister, grandmom, and I stood with him, and my dad and grandfather stayed towards the back. What Matthew loved to do was ride on my dad’s shoulders. As the first few fireworks sizzled over Epcot’s lagoon, he jumped out of the stroller and ran to my dad who hoisted him up. I paid no attention to him as I was fully focusing on the display.
Until I heard a woman turn towards her family and loudly say, “Oh wow, looks like he can walk!” My attention immediately snapped towards this woman who was so close to our group the rope separating the areas was the only barrier between us. She continued to talk. “Maybe next time we come, we stick you in a stroller and parade through the park.” Now there was no avoiding it no matter how much I tried. My fingers tightened on the railing as I kept my gaze on the fireworks. My mother turned to her, furious and started to yell, but my grandmom reached out, stopping her. “Lesley… she’s not worth it.”
My mom shook her head and turned her back to the woman. However, my grandmom’s words did nothing to calm me. I tried to smile alongside everyone, but the pit in my stomach was growing. Instead of the giddy, fizzy feelings of excitement I should’ve felt, my stomach was doing flips for all the wrong reasons. Her words kept repeating in my head. Over and over. I couldn’t make it stop. A giant, blinding spotlight was pointed at my family, and there was nowhere to hide.
On the walk back to the hotel, I was quiet. My grandmom again tried to make it better. “Emily, don’t let her ruin our day.” I knew she was right. That woman had no idea what Matthew goes through. She made a snap judgement and acted on it.
While the cliché never judge a book by its cover was always thrown around growing up, I never fully processed that statement until after experiencing this. Looking back, I’m sure that woman doesn’t even remember. She just remembers her family’s beautiful vacation. But I remember exactly where I stood, my excitement for the show dying in an instant, and the heads turning and looking. And I remember her impulsive assumption six years later. From that day on, I have been hyper aware of the harm in reducing people to their first impressions, and I believe in never judging people based on the small glimpses their appearances may show.
First I think this was a very powerful message you conveyed in your story.
1. Identify the central conflict and structure (cause and effect, transformation, categorical) of this piece. Provide ideas for enhancing the central conflict structure/arrangement.
The structure is cause and effect and the main conflict of the story was the harsh and uncalled for remarks the woman left in Disney World. I think the structure was really great, the story lead clearly into your idea.
2. Could the piece be more sensory or engaging if told another way? Comment on how the style could be strengthened. Provide an example from the draft.
I think the style you used was perfect for the story being told. I think your story is very powerful especially when you speak about how special this experience was for your brother.
3. Name some possibilities for deeper characterization. How could the “I” be developed further? Is there more you would like to know about the relationships between “characters”? Were some details “author oriented” instead of “audience oriented”?
My only suggestion if you want to add more would be to elaborate further on the importance of this trip and what she said was for your family, and how that woman probably has no recollection of that moment. It was particularly powerful to me. The woman is still playing a role in your life, but because of her blatant ignorance for others, she’ll probably never know the impact her words had.
4. Did the belief match up with the story? Offer some advice if you felt the piece moved toward a different conclusion.Comment on places to strengthen narrative coherence and narrative fidelity.
The story matched up perfectly with the belief! I think your story flowed very nicely into the ending.
5. Make a suggestion or two for something the author could move, change, add, or delete.
If you wanted to add more, your conclusion could be stretched slightly to talk more about how this belief carried over into your life today. I think this is really amazing and I can’t wait to hear you speak it!
1.Identify the central conflict and structure (cause and effect, transformation, categorical) of this piece. Provide ideas for enhancing the central conflict structure/arrangement.
The central conflict of the story was the harsh words of the woman and her judgement toward your brother who she did not even know. I think the structure of your story runs smoothly and that the conflict relates greatly to your message.
2. Could the piece be more sensory or engaging if told another way? Comment on how the style could be strengthened. Provide an example from the draft.
I think you did a great job making your story engaging. I think you really tie in your audience with your opening paragraph making us wonder ‘how could Disney world not be exciting? what is going to happen?’ I also think you did a great job relating your story to the message and I loved your message.
3. Name some possibilities for deeper characterization. How could the “I” be developed further? Is there more you would like to know about the relationships between “characters”? Were some details “author oriented” instead of “audience oriented”?
The only suggestion I would have is to maybe dive deeper into the emotions you felt as you heard the woman say that and more on why you felt angry and upset. Or adding on to how much of an impact this woman had in your life even though she has no recollection of you. I think this was something very deep you mentioned.
4. Did the belief match up with the story? Offer some advice if you felt the piece moved toward a different conclusion.Comment on places to strengthen narrative coherence and narrative fidelity.
I think your belief definitely matches well with the story and flowed nicely.
5. Make a suggestion or two for something the author could move, change, add, or delete.
I think you could add more talking about your message ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’. I think you could do so by adding a bit more to the conclusion.