I would consider the most formative experience of my life so far to be going to an extremely conservative and religious school from preschool to seventh grade. The key factor to understand here is that my family was not religious or conservative in the slightest. We lived in a small town and rather than send me to a public school 25 minutes away for preschool, my parents chose to send me to this Christian school and it stuck for a few years. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but looking back, I can see a lot of who I am rooted in the lessons I learned from this school, for better and for worse.

I believe that one’s religious education will affect them for the rest of their life.

I believe this because, although I have always known anxiety, one of my earliest memories is being taught that it was my responsibility to get my loved ones to know Jesus and to keep them from spending eternity in hell. I can remember sitting in the pews of the little church every Wednesday, year after year, shoulder to shoulder with classmates who all seemed to be used to hearing this news. I remember  intense, graphic descriptions of burning alive, the video playing on my classroom projector showing a person shooting himself and proclaiming that mental illness was a sin that would lead you to hell, and the overarching message: You must save them. You must lead them to Jesus. I remember fighting back tears as I thought of my mother, my favorite person in the world, my best friend, and most importantly, a woman of no religious affiliation. I will never forget the anxiety I felt as I sat in bed each night clutching my illustrated preschool Bible, waiting for my parents to come in and say goodnight, worrying and wondering about what I could say that night to keep them from this awful fate. I will never forget the pressure I felt weighing down on my little seven year old shoulders.

I believe this because I did not understand what was so different about my education. I was too young to articulate how I felt, or to understand that it was wrong that it was making me feel that way. I was too young to comprehend the wrongness of the anxiety I felt before every music class concert, hoping that each song would be the one that would save my family. It wasn’t all bad- I had teachers and friends that I loved and that overshadowed the fear enough for me to not talk to my parents about it. Looking back, I see that it was weird. I didn’t learn about evolution until I switched schools in 8th grade. My aging Bible Studies teacher gave out his phone number to middle schoolers. Once a week in chapel I was taught that mental illnesses and homosexuality were sins, that a woman’s place was to serve her husband, and more.

I believe this because the thought of religion now turns my stomach, and because I feel guilty for the drama of that statement. When I daydream about marrying my boyfriend, the thought of getting married in a church seems incredibly wrong. When the topic of religion or prayer comes up with my friends, I itch to leave the room. I feel uncomfortable when someone tells me they are praying for me, even if I know it’s out of love. And when I picture myself back in that tiny church, in that tiny town, my palms start to sweat.

I don’t have anything against religious people. In fact, I am happy to know that it makes them happy. Many of my close friends are religious and I feel glad that they don’t have to feel the way I do about it. The way that a child is taught religion will affect them for the rest of their lives. Maybe they will find comfort in it during troubling times, or maybe they will turn and run the other way. Every experience in my life has together made me the person I am today, but I feel that I wouldn’t be the same me if I had gone to a different school for those formative years of my life. I feel like a completely different person than that young girl from my past, but occasionally I catch glimpses of her in me and can’t help but feel that the root of my anxiety and distaste for religion lies in that school.

I believe that one’s religious education will affect them for the rest of their life.