In honor of the very last edition of my passion blog, I have to decided to write about my favorite piece of media ever. A movie named The Velocipastor. It may only have a 5.5/10 on IMDB, but The Velocipastor is the single greatest piece of media you will ever consume. Made on a $35,000 budget, The Velocipastor is one of those movies that is so bad it’s good. It knows what it is, which it was makes it so ironic. It’s also free on Amazon Prime AND YouTube and has a run time of a tiny 1 hour so you have no excuse not to watch it.

The Velocipastor follows Doug, a Christian pastor. After his parents are killed by a pimp named Frankie Mermaind who orchestrated a car explosion, Doug travels to China to find himself again. In China a random woman who has an arrow sticking out of her, hands him a dinosaur bone and tells him to get rid of it. However, because he does not speak Chinese, he doesn’t understand and accidentally cuts his hand on it, giving him the ability to turn into a dinosaur (hence the name Velocipastor). Once returning to the United States Doug realizes he can turn into a dinosaur when he comes across a hooker-doctor-lawyer, Carol (who, spoiler alert, works for Frankie Mermaid), getting mugged and saves her life. Carol convinces Doug to use his power for good and the rest of the movie follows them as they fall in love, fight through betrayal, secret siblings and most importantly, ninjas.

The Velocipastor may have a cult like following, but taking a scroll through its reviews on IMDB will give you an idea of how much people revere this movie, with one user even claiming it “cured his cancer.” The movies jokes just never miss. As you can see in the following picture, they could not afford visual affects, and instead opted to insert the text “VFX car on fire” in the first scene instead. The heads/body parts are clearly from mannequins, the dinosaur is clearly paper mache, and the ninjas all wear converse. However, the movie is self-aware and these things just make it even funnier in the end. My favorite line from the entire movie is when Frankie Mermaid is asking Carol why he’s named Frankie Mermaid, and she just screams “cause you’re swimming in bitches.”

I cannot put into words how much I adore this movie. 10000000000000/10. Deserves an Oscar. If you cannot make the time to watch it, please watch the trailer linked here, as I cannot do it justice in this blog post.

The sequel taking place in the same universe, Outback Dracula, following a lesbian vampire in the Australian outback, is set to come out this year.