I believe in taking time to help those less fortunate than you. Growing up, I was always taught that it is essential to see the best in people and fully understand their situation before making a judgment about them. From a young age, my parents taught me the importance of donating to charities and volunteering. My mother, a stay-at-home mom, was very active in our community, ranging from helping at my elementary school to being my Girl Scout leader. I followed by example, and in high school, I became involved with my school’s intellectual and developmental disability (IDD) program.
In my sophomore year, I joined a club called Best Buddies, which matches students with and without disabilities in a one-to-one friendship. The department matched me with Romina, a freshman at my school with down syndrome. I quickly picked up how she expressed herself and what she liked, and we became fast friends. Over the next three years, Romina was my buddy, and I was able to help her in and outside of the classroom. After graduating high school, my younger sister became her buddy, and she is working to form a similar friendship with her.
In my senior year of high school, I had the opportunity to have a class period of the day with an IDD class and be on the leadership board for Best Buddies. In addition, I served as membership director for my chapter. I created successful friendships between students and created and facilitated events for all students at my school to come together. During the school day, when I spent my time with the CAT B kids, I formed a new appreciation for special education teachers as I learned what they go through on a daily basis. I also formed bonds with over thirty of the CAT B student who all have different IDDs. I learned how to adjust how I talk to them without making them feel inferior to me, and I learned how to communicate in new ways. I became close with nonverbal students and was always excited to see their faces light up when I entered the room because they spotted a familiar face. I helped them learn and grow, and they did the same for me equally, if not more.
I really like this idea that you had. I like how you gave specific details about how being a part of this club has completely changed your life and given you new outlooks that you wouldn’t have had otherwise. I think maybe focus on one specific time in this club that has impacted you most and tell why. I think doing that would add more impact to the story. Overall, this is a really good draft that tells a good story!
1. While this is a good story of a narrative there is not a conflict in your piece, just a story on volunteering.
2. More descriptive language could be in place to amplify the story and provide a better picture for the reader. You could expand on one of the experiences with your buddy.
3. The “I” needs to be developed further in a way that is not repeated at the beginning of sentences so often. Different terminology and a deeper discussion would support this. Expansion of the relationship between you and your buddy is needed as well.
4. The belief did line up with the narrative but I would talk more about the program rather than what you learned to solidify this.
5. The statements at the begging of sentences are very repetitive and it would sound better if you expanded the vocabulary in that sense.
1.Identify the central conflict and structure (cause and effect, transformation, categorical) of this piece. Provide ideas for enhancing the central conflict structure/arrangement.
I think adding more about a specific event that really changed your perspective would add a lot more depth and meaning to this story. I like how you showed how this event had a major impact on you through your conclusion.
2. Could the piece be more sensory or engaging if told another way? Comment on how the style could be strengthened. Provide an example from the draft.
I think by giving a specific story or conflict would provide a deeper meaning to this story and enhance your belief.
3. Name some possibilities for deeper characterization. How could the “I” be developed further? Is there more you would like to know about the relationships between “characters”? Were some details “author oriented” instead of “audience oriented”?
You really place a lot of emphasis in this story about your relationship between you and Romina which adds a lot of meaning to this story. I think focusing on a specific event that had the most impact on you with Romina would provide deeper characterization.
4. Did the belief match up with the story? Offer some advice if you felt the piece moved toward a different conclusion.Comment on places to strengthen narrative coherence and narrative fidelity.
I think your belief matched up with the story because it represents how being part of this club has changed you. I think focusing more on the club and a specific memory would further amplify this belief.
5. Make a suggestion or two for something the author could move, change, add, or delete.
I think just focusing more on one specific memory that was the most impactful could be really good for this narrative.
You have a great idea for this piece, and it’s definitely something many people need to hear. However, the anecdotal part of your script is not as compelling as I would like it to be. It reads more like a broad recollection of your involvement and would be more appropriate for a resume than this assignment. If you were to narrow down to a specific instance or two and gave detail, that would help your message come across. This could include something Romina said, something you saw, or anything else that really hammered home the topic of helping others for you. Additionally, if you do include something about the CAT B students, make sure to clarify what CAT B means. Overall, however, you have a strong idea here, and I’m excited to see how this develops. Great job!