Now, as I mentioned at the onset of this semester, I am writing about the dark side of squirrels—the aspects of squirrels that are not necessarily “ideal” so to speak. And, that’s exactly what I have been doing, and am continuing to do… I think. So,

Ready or not, here they come.

Well, technically, I guess they’re already here. Or, there I should say, considering our current location.

Sorry, this all probably sounds really confusing.

What I’m trying to say here is,

Squirrels are an invasive species.

There I said it.

Now before you get your furry tails in a twist, let me explain. The squirrels that we see scampering around campus each and every day (the eastern grey squirrel) is not an invasive species… not HERE at least. But, in other portions of the world, that unfortunately is not the case.

So, let’s begin with where grey squirrels are indeed native. Obviously, they are native here, in Pennsylvania, along with all other states on the rights side of the country. Basically, if you drew a vertical line right down the middle of the country and selected all states to the right of that line, that is where grey squirrels are native. Grey squirrels are also natively found in portions of England, Ireland, Northern Italy, South Africa, and Western Canada.

So, where are these fluffy animals creating problems as invasive species?

Residents of both the state of California and Great Britain would be happy to tell you.

Not only are the fur balls destructive towards the tree populations in these areas (they like to chew on tree bark—can’t blame them,) they are also having a quite literal deadly impact on another animal species in these areas… the red squirrel. That’s right, grey squirrels are actually killing off their red-headed family members. I mean, I’ve heard some bad “ginger” jokes but this is just taking it a bit too far if you ask me.Here is a visual match-up. The grey squirrel does actually look a lot more menacing.

Now it is important to note that none of this death or destruction is intentional. You see, grey squirrels have been carrying something called “squirrel pox” which are easily spread to their red-headed brothers. The grey squirrels themselves, however, seem to actually be completely immune to the illness, making the red squirrels in California and Britain completely vulnerable. According to TIME magazine, the grey squirrel was ranked the 5^th most invasive species of all time, due to its spreading of disease and the fact that grey squirrels consume 7 times as much food as their red-headed kin, creating an unsustainable environment for the squirrel population in these areas. In the TIME magazine lineup, the squirrel only ranked behind the rapidly growing Kudzu plant, the cane toad, rabbits, and Asian carp.

It is really quite sad to hear about squirrels fighting amongst each other like this. It is my hope that one day, all squirrels can live in harmony. That goes for humans too I suppose.

http://content.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,1958657_1958656_1958637,00.html

My dog got drunk once. While my family was away for the day, a bottle of wine that we had setting on a wine wrack exploded, and Susie, our miniature poodle who is 12 pounds of pure fluff, drank it up—all of it. She spent the entire rest of the day stumbling around and running into things, and the next day, she was hungover! The poor thing vomited, multiple times. That’s the effect that a bottle of wine had on a 12 pound dog.

Now imagine something smaller drinking alcohol.

A cat?

No.

A rabbit?

No.

My blog is about squirrels so obviously we are talking about squirrels here.

That’s right folks, just several short months ago a squirrel was found completely wasted in a bar in England. However, as I’m sure you could imagine, bars don’t exactly serve their kind in England, or anywhere really for that matter. The English squirrel was a very unwanted customer, who left the bar with hundreds of dollars in damage and the embarrassment of knowing that a rodent left them with hundreds of dollars in damage.

According to the bar’s owner, Sam Boulter, the squirrel must have found its way into the bar the previous evening and managed to avoid being seen by the bar’s customers and owners. As a result, the squirrel had the ability to run wild the entire night… and it did, according to evidence. Broken glasses, shattered wine bottles, a running beer tap, and a very slow moving squirrel were all found at the scene of the crime on an early July morning of last year.

If my 12 pound dog became drunk after drinking a bottle of wine, imagine how drunk a 1 pound squirrel was after drinking straight from a tap.

Anyways, when owners arrived in the morning, they still had a very tough time capturing the little fur ball, despite its enamored state. Eventually, employees managed to capture the critter in a recycling container and release it out the window, and watched as it clumsily stumbled into the woods.

After the incident was all said and done, the squirrel’s damage amounted to nearly $450. According to employees, the estimated damages were so high because the rodent didn’t bother touching the nuts that the bar had on hand, or any of the bar’s food for that matter—it just went straight for the alcohol.

That’s a pretty edgy squirrel if you ask me. But,

I don’t think he’ll be invited back anytime soon.

Also, yes, as unlikely and unreal as this story may sound, and unlike last week’s blog post, this did actually happen. As I stated, the crime occurred in July of 2015 at the Honeybourne Railway Club in Evesham (ham only served in the evening), England.

The story was recounted by the New York Daily News here:

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/squirrel-breaks-english-bar-samples-alcohol-article-1.2297653

But I think I told it better.

Although I would like to think that squirrels are capable of only good things, all organisms tend to have their flaws. A major flaw of squirrels exists in their incapability to make good decisions, particularly when it comes to crossing roads. Not to be blunt, but I must admit that squirrels do cause an astonishing number of auto accidents and have been the source of death for many easily-startled drivers.

Unfortunately, there are no statistics out there to show us just how many auto accidents squirrels have caused over the years, so to capture the issue accurately, I have found one specific instance of a squirrel related car crash that I believe will accurately reflect the issue at hand today.

The story begins in southern Minneapolis on June 7^th of 2015, when a couple in their mid 60’s was traveling on a narrow, shady country road. According to Mary Greenfich, age 63, who was the passenger in the car when the accident occurred, her and her husband (and driver) Mort Greenfich, age 66, were on their way to the closest Walmart to purchase a new lamp shade and electrical tape. It was a cloudy day, but the roads were dry and there was no precipitation in the forecast. According to Mort, “…these were ideal driving conditions. I was confident that 14 MPH was reasonable, especially on a back road.” Although the speed limit on the road was 45 MPH, authorities report that the car was indeed moving at a speed of 14 MPH when the impact occurred.

“The car was moving so fast, so was the squirrel—it just all happened so fast,” said Mary months after the accident, holding back sobs. “I remember it like it was yesterday, the look on that squirrel’s face. It was planning this, it wanted this.”

Authorities have not been able to confirm if this was indeed an arranged crime. “The cat was about 11 inches in diameter, I’d say about 7 or 8 pounds. Weird looking cat. No wonder it stepped out in front of our car.” (Statement made by Mort Greenfich, before being told by his wife that the animal the car hit was a squirrel not a cat).

**The response of Mort Greenfich to this information has been removed for sensory reasons**

“After we hit the squirrel, it got up and walked away. It looked completely fine. No scratches, no blood. It was unbelievable” says Mary.

The vehicle of Mary and Mort Greenfich, however, was not as fortunate. The vehicle has been confirmed as totaled, and is completely unsalvageable. Unfortunately, the Greenfich’s will not be reimbursed for their auto accident. When asked for a comment, an agency representative stated: “Stop letting squirrels hit your cars.”

Accurate.

According to authorities the squirrel is still on the run and has been convicted with the felony of a “hit and run.”

If you are in southern Minneapolis, please keep an eye out for this squirrel:

This image was drawn by Mary Greenfich, which she verifies to be an accurate depiction.

For a full recaps of the story, please visit the following URL’s:

http://duckduckgrayduck.com/2015/04/20/south-minneapolis-couple-injured-in-car-accident-with-squirrel/

https://sites.psu.edu/erikaveiszlemlein/2016/02/10/accidents-happen/

Squirrels are pretty innocent animals. They happily scamper along, collecting nuts for the winter, and overall, are pretty non-aggressive animals (I’ve been trying to make this argument with housing for weeks but they still won’t let me keep a squirrel in the dorm. They shouldn’t say that all non-aggressive pets are allowed if they don’t uphold that rule under all circumstances).

(Also I am kidding. I haven’t actually been arguing with my RA about this matter… but I have mentioned it, once or twice… maybe three times).

But all of this is beside the point I am trying to make here. As sweet and docile as squirrels may seem to all of us onlookers, just like any other species out there, squirrels do go little “nuts” sometimes, if you know what I mean.

Let’s start with perhaps the most shocking of claims about squirrels in general—they’re not always herbivores. When squirrels are in desperate need of food, or are required to protect their babies from predators, they will eat meat. A prime example of this would be  squirrels warding off snakes, which doubles as both a protectionary and sustainability method for the furry creatures. Although the squirrels tend to be the underdogs in these gruesome battles, they do occasionally come out on top. Some of these duels have even been captured on camera and have taken the internet by storm.

But snakes aren’t the only organisms that squirrels partake in brawls with; squirrels VS. humans is a match-up just as common. Although squirrels do tend to keep their distance, even in heavily populated areas, instances do still occur when the furry creatures get just a bit too close. You see, it’s a lot easier to get close to a squirrel than you make think. In fact, just this weekend, I made my first attempt at approaching a squirrel. All I had to do was make a squirrel call (I know what you’re all thinking, but not so fast. It’s super easy to make a squirrel call—you just clench your teeth while your mouth is open and suck in on your saliva. You’ve all probably made this noise before without even knowing that it attracts squirrels) and a squirrel stopped what it was doing and scurried right up to me! It got up on its hind legs, placed its two front paws on its tummy, and looked at me. It was absolutely adorable. But, as adorable as it was, it isn’t a good thing for the squirrel community overall. Squirrels begin exhibiting aggressive behavior towards humans once they become too comfortable around them. Squirrel calling is a mild contributing factor, but once humans start feeding squirrels and petting them—that’s when a problem is created, just like the one that transpired in Novato, CA several months ago. A squirrel that was very comfortable around humans found its way into an elementary school and bit both a student and a teacher.

Aggressive Squirrel Attacks Kindergarten Class In Novato

This is probably why my RA won’t let me have a squirrel.

But I doubt that she knows about how aggressive squirrels can be.

Not to insinuate that I know more than her about squirrels, but,

I know more than her about squirrels.

There, I said it.