Time is finite. We won’t always have the same opportunities as we do now. That is why we must spend as much time with those who matter and listen to their stories before they are unable to tell any more. Throughout my entire life, my Nana was someone I always wanted to be around. She always told the most incredible stories about her youth and gave me some of my favorite childhood memories. Her smile had the ability to fill a room of darkness with light. She always spoke so intelligently and kindly and was the one person who could comfort me whenever I was upset.
I was 16 when my Nana began to change. She always had the sharpest mind, but she now began forgetting little things. Over time, her prognosis had progressed, and she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. I was crushed; I knew she would continually worsen until eventually, she would have difficulty remembering who I even was.
When I become upset about my Nana, I like to think about my memories of her before her life was taken over by this unfair disease. I think of her old stories, even those she can no longer remember herself, and it makes me smile. I can tell my Nana her own stories and make her laugh and experience moments of clarity. Having an abundance of memories and moments compiled with her makes this arduous process easier to navigate through. Instead of only thinking about my Nana who experiences Alzheimer’s disease, I can remember her as the incredible woman she is. This is why I believe it is so important that we take in present moments and spend time with those who matter most to us.
I can see the what you are going for, but maybe you should flesh it out a little more? Maybe talk about one story about your nana and kind of relate it to your belief. Like “She once did ______” or “She like to do _____, and that is what I will always remember”, then say something that kind of relates to you telling her stories about herself.
1. Identify the central conflict and structure (cause and effect, transformation, categorical) of this piece. Provide ideas for enhancing the central conflict structure/arrangement.
The central conflict is losing a loved one, and the structure is cause and effect. I think you could add a specific memory you have with your grandma to make the piece stronger.
2. Could the piece be more sensory or engaging if told another way? Comment on how the style could be strengthened. Provide an example from the draft.
I think adding a specific story that your grandma told you, and now you tell your grandma or a memory you have of her could strengthen the speech.
3. Name some possibilities for deeper characterization. How could the “I” be developed further? Is there more you would like to know about the relationships between “characters”? Were some details “author oriented” instead of “audience-oriented”?
I would add details about you and your grandma before she got sick and during her sickness to make the speech more audience oriented.
4. Did the belief match up with the story? Offer some advice if you felt the piece moved toward a different conclusion. Comment on places to strengthen narrative coherence and narrative fidelity.
I think the belief matches up with the story in a really strong way.
5. Make a suggestion or two for something the author could move, change, add, or delete.
I think that adding a story about you and your grandma or a story that she used to tell you and now you tell her would strengthen the story a lot. But, overall, I really liked the story and belief and it ties in really well.
Your draft so far is great! You set this up really well, and the abruptness of the start of your second paragraph works in your favor, as it conveys how it probably felt at that moment realizing that something may have been wrong. Your word choice helps to pull emotion out of your listener, and throughout your piece, it is clear what message you have to say. I am a bit concerned about how you will expand this to meet length requirements, though. Perhaps you could incorporate a specific memory that you shared with your Nana. Alternatively, it may be compelling to share an opposing experience where you did not form strong memories with someone who is no longer in your life, either by lost communication or otherwise. Another small critique I have (and I mean small) is that I’m not sure that’s how you properly use the word “prognosis.” It may work better to use a word like “condition,” “state,” or other synonyms. Other than that, however, you have a fantastic idea and structure right now, and I’m excited to see how this fleshes out. Great job!