Our Public Schools Deserve Better
Michael Oher is a former offensive tackle who played primarily for the Baltimore Ravens over eight seasons. He is renowned for his sheer massive size and immense football talent. However, he is most known for his incredible and inspiring life story. The Blind Side, written by Michael Lewis, tells the tragic tale of Michael Oher’s upbringing and his escape from the system in which he was raised. Michael was raised in a troublesome neighborhood, surrounded by drugs and gang violence. He was able to escape his situation after being accepted into a private school, where his incredulous athletic talents were discovered by his football coach. His skills were then built upon, so much so that he was accepted to Ole Miss to play football and was later drafted to play in the NFL.
Michael Oher’s story is nothing short of heartwarming; but unfortunately, it is not the ending that many children in the same position as Michael receive. Many of these children fall through the cracks due to underfunded public schools. In a tell-all interview about his story, Michael explains that he and his classmates would skip their classes often. Michael fell behind in school but was continually passed along to the next grade by his teachers. This school experience is sadly familiar to students who are living in low-income areas like Michael. Many low-income students are not given the same facilities and opportunities as their higher-income counterparts.
Next I will introduce my brief topic and how children in public schools located in low-income areas often do not have good as an education access.
1). Comment on the title. How does it offer a way forward on the issue? Does it hint at or echo the paper’s thesis? Make suggestions.
– Title is ok but that is more of an opinion statement rather than an introduction to your topic. I would suggest making more of an overarching statement about the inequality between private and public schools.
2). Does this piece’s title and introduction respond to an exigence?-Does it make the issue pressing or connect to other pressing needs and issues? Make suggestions.
– no. Your title seemed a bit weak of an argument piece and your paragraphs summarized the movie more than introducing your topic and call to action. I would suggest minimizing the example of the blind side to one or two sentences and adding in concrete statistics about public schools to better shape your future argument. I like the story of the blind side, but I think it took too much power over your intro. Then, I would end your intro by talking about how the issue is pressing because our current, underfunded school system is shaping the lives of our future leaders and requires a change now rather than later.
3). Comment on the thesis. Does it set up a clear argumentative claim? Is it advancing a specific policy or practice? Can you imagine how the rest of the argument will unfold?
– Your thesis includes the example of Michael which isn’t really the point of your paper so I suggest rewording it to discuss the issue of underfunded public schools. From your current paragraphs, I can’t imagine the rest of your paper because your topic was not addressed much aside from the example of Michael and should be more of the main focus of your intro.
1). Comment on the title. How does it offer a way forward on the issue? Does it hint at or echo the paper’s thesis? Make suggestions.- the title does a good job of revealing the issue and what the stance of the argument through the brief will be
2). Does this piece’s title and introduction respond to an exigence?-Does it make the issue pressing or connect to other pressing needs and issues? Make suggestions.- this intro definitely grabs attention, and tells a story that many already know, as the blind side is a very popular movies, It definitely hooks readers and gives a personal sense of urgency, as we are able to connect the larger scale issue to a single instance of someones life. It definitely ties into the public school system, however I am unsure of the exact direction it will go in terms of what changes need to be made in public schools, or if it is just a broader system change overall.
3). Comment on the thesis. Does it set up a clear argumentative claim? Is it advancing a specific policy or practice? Can you imagine how the rest of the argument will unfold?- I believe that the thesis is “Many low-income students are not given the same facilities and opportunities as their higher-income counterparts.” I do think that it’s maybe a bit on the vague side, and you could definitely pull a bit more from the emotion of michaels story to strengthen it a bit, and maybe add a bit more detail to make it more concise. However it is certainly covering the main issue of your brief and gives readers good insight to how the rest will unfold.