My sister has told me that I can’t accept feedback. I have given her constructive criticism some thought, and she is right. I don’t accept feedback from her very well at all. My biggest barrier to accepting her “feedback” is that she communicates it during the wrong times and in the wrong tone. There are also personality characteristics that incline me toward being less receptive to feedback than I should be. There are a few things my sister could do when communicating her feedback that might influence me to actively listen to her without taking offense or becoming defensive, and there are a few things I can do to be a better recipient of feedback. I’d like to think I accept feedback well. I view it as a tool for growth for examining my “blind spots” and an aid in developing greater self-awareness, which I know is key to authentic leadership. However, when my sister provides her feedback, I tend to think she just doesn’t know me outside of our sibling relationship or that she is simply mistaken. She has picked up on this and has insisted that I should give her feedback some consideration before dismissing it. And I do. Generally speaking, that is.
My sister’s conflict style is avoidant, she is “low in assertiveness and low in cooperation” (Folger, et al., 2016, p. 108); she’d rather discuss how she feels with a third party than confront the issue head on. My conflict style is collaborative (Folger, et al., 2016, p. 108). I don’t let too much time pass before addressing the source of my concern, and when I confront the situation, I use a lot of re-framing, I ask a lot of questions, and take my time discussing the details of the situation to find a solution that we are all happy with. However, during a conflict episode we both engage a competing style that is high in assertiveness and low in cooperation (Folger, et al., 2016, p. 108). There will be lots of yelling, offensive and defensive listening, and a lot of below the belt blows (Abramson, et al., 2018). We oscillate between me asking her if certain things bother her and her denial of being bothered, to having blowouts where she tells me everything that is wrong with me and tell her exactly what her problem is. What’s more, is we can rip each other to shreds while sounding unbothered or even friendly, but we both know we are in the middle of a full-on roasting session! Afterward, batters and bruised, we will not speaking for a week or two. What never happens is my introspective consideration of her “feedback”. I dismiss her words as mere ammunition for her gunfire.
Conflict episodes are a bad time to give or receive constructive feedback. Communication involves multiple mediums of information giving and receiving. A speaker encodes their message and sends it to the recipient. The recipient receives the message and decodes it. This doesn’t ensure the message will be properly interpreted, because wrapped in the process is each individual’s “self-image, needs, values, expectations, goals, standards, cultural norms, and personality” (Abramson, et al., 2018, p. 47). In a conflict there is also the added measure of face saving (Folger, et al., 2016). So, when my sister tells me that I am obnoxious and over-confident, I shrug it off egocentrically, and in doing so, I make the statement true-but invisible to me.
Most of these arguments happen over the phone where nonverbal cues cannot be read, I am missing the 90% of communication that occurs nonverbally in the form of body language, eye contact, and hand gestures. I am left to rely solely on the words I decode from her message, her intonation and my intuition. Much of what anyone communicates is done unconsciously on an “out-of-awareness” level of communication by the speaker and receiver (Hall, as cited in Abramson, et al., 2018). My personality type ranges between ENTP (Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving) and ESTP (Extraverted Sensing Thinking Perceiving). Being Extraverted Sensing (Se), Extraverted iNtuiting (Ne), and Introverted tInking (Ti), I operate on that “out-of-awareness” level in most of my conversations-especially arguments. My sister is more emotional and not very intuitive or sensing, so she often denies some of the motives or hidden feeling I feel from her. I will tell her what I feel her real problem is, and she will tell me I am changing the topic or putting words in her mouth. Maybe we are both right? What I can be sure of is that I can’t accept her feedback during a conflict episode. I also cannot accept her feedback if I don’t think it is true, if she does not provide examples, if I sense judgment of my personality, if her feedback is not timely, or if I sense insincerity. Sure, I am putting a lot of stipulations on accepting her feedback…maybe that is why she avoids providing it.
With some modifications in my sister’s and my message encoding and decoding, I can be well on my way to accepting my sister’s feedback.
Here is what I can do differently:
- Engage in information gathering by listening carefully to what she has to say without interrupting, paraphrasing her message as I understand it, perception checking to ensure I understand what she feels, and summarizing her message to show her I was listening and understood what she had to say (Abramson, et al., 2018). Taking notes could help with this so I can remember key points that I will later interpret and respond to.
- Avoid becoming defensive, and stop planning my response while she is speaking (Grote, 2015).
- Find something of value to thank her for pointing out. As Heen & Goldstein (2017), advise in their HBR article,”While there will always be something wrong with the feedback you get — maybe even 90% — there will also almost always be something right that you can learn from.
- Don’t attack her with facts, pragmatism, and excessive detail. I am detail oriented, but having a keen ability to recall facts due to my personality type, makes me intimidating to approach with feedback.
- Stop adding additional meaning to what my sister says (i.e.: I operate on that “out-of-awareness” level in most of my conversations). My sister wants to feel like I care what she thinks, and that I care about her feelings. A cooperative and honest conversation will help us both uncover any “out of awareness” thoughts or feelings, but decoding her messages and inserting the additional meaning I sense in the words or delivery puts her message under too much scrutiny too prematurely.
- Be aware of my inclination toward egocentrism so I can avoid outright dismissals of her feedback. Even if some of her feedback is off base there will be some valuable information on how she perceives me or how I make her feel. Since she and I are in a lifelong interdependent relationship, how I make her feel is an important consideration. A constructive conversation helps get to the root cause of her concerns.
- DO NOT ENGAGE IN ANY OF THIS DURING A CONFLICT EPISODE. There is no room for problem solving or growth in a boxing ring. Even kind words will sting when they are being hurled at your face! If a conversation starts to become combative, it is best to completely disengage. We will be better prepared to receive feedback when we are feeling less heated.
Here is what my sister can do differently:
- Ask herself “three vital questions:
- Is my feedback true, sincere and fair?
- Is it helpful?
- Is it necessary?” (Mulkeen, 2006).
- Ask me for feedback on my own behavior. My sister does not ask questions before offering advice. Asking questions can help her test her theories before formulating a firm opinion on what the problem is (Mulkeen, 2006).
- “Be precise, clear and accurate; focus on particular behaviour; your feedback must be measurable and actionable” (Mulken, 2006). My sister will often communicate an issue she has with my behavior, but when I ask for an example I can use to reflect on her observations, she cannot provide one, or is vague about the details. It comes across as her opinion, which makes it difficult for me to accept.
- “Be sincere, both in intention and manner of giving feedback. Mind the three Vs: verbal, visual and vocal. Very often it is not just what you say but how you say it. Keep your tone neutral” (Mulken, 2006). This is another reason why conflict episodes make terrible times for providing feedback. Encoding a message with condescension, or false sincerity ensures the receiver will decode a muddled message.
- Listen actively. My sister tends to listen politely and only really absorb enough to respond. This damages communication because it inhibits her ability to understand my messages.
- Ask for permission to give feedback (Gueringer, 2017).
- DO NOT ENGAGE IN ANY OF THIS DURING A CONFLICT EPISODE. No one can hear what you have to say if you have them pinned to the ground. When a conversation starts to become combative it is best to completely disengage. Giving feedback only works if the recipient feels it is coming from a place of safety, honesty, genuine concern for their success, and thoughtful consideration.
Communicating more effectively with my sister is great practice for becoming a successful global communicator. Most of what I need to do to communicate effectively does not change in international intercultural communication. What I should keep in mind is the communication style of a typical person for that region, and modify my communication style accordingly. I have attached the two personality reports I received after taking my free personality test. I find them both to be about 85-95% accurate! Try taking your own Free Personality Test and see if you find the results to be as accurate as I did!
What’s It Like To Be An ENTP, A Self Portrait of ENTPs-2kbbp0l
What’s It Like To Be An ESTP, A Self Portrait of ESTPs-1amm8ci
References
Abramson, Neil Remington; Moran, Robert T. (2018). Managing Cultural Differences: Global Leadership for the 21st Century. 10th edition. Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.
Goldstein, S. & Heen, S. (2017, August 29). Responding to Feedback You Disagree With. Retrieved February 06, 2018, from https://hbr.org/2017/04/responding-to-feedback-you-disagree-with?referral=03759&cm_vc=rr_item_page.bottom
Grote, D. (2015, August 17). How to Handle Negative Feedback. Retrieved February 06, 2018, from https://hbr.org/2015/08/how-to-handle-negative-feedback
What’s It Like To Be An ESTP, A Self Portrait of ESTPs-1amm8ciGueringer, J. (2017, July 27). The 12 Rules of Giving Negative Feedback (According to Experts). Retrieved February 06, 2018, from https://www.headwaycapital.com/blog/12-rules-giving-negative-feedback-according-experts/
Joseph Folger, Marshall Scott Poole, Randall K. Stutman. (2016). Working Through Conflict: Strategies for Relationships, Groups, and Organizations. Seventh Edition. Routledge
Mulkeen, D. (2006, July 6). Giving and Receiving Effective Feedback : The Do’s and Don’ts. Retrieved February 06, 2018, from https://www.communicaid.com/communication-skills/blog/communication-skills/how-to-give-and-receive-effective-feedback/