The Phantom Menace was easily the biggest slap in the face to diehard ‘Star Wars’ fans. After 16 years apart from the galaxy far, far away, they were treated to what many viewed as an utter disgrace to the franchise. Some fans liked it more than others, but there was a definitive consensus that this wasn’t the best start to a trilogy, in the slightest. George Lucas’s direction for the franchise had become unclear, and fans were certainly skeptical heading into Attack of the Clones. And they had a right to be, because this sequel ended up being almost exactly the same as its predecessor. Not to mention, the clones didn’t even attack until the last twenty minutes of the movie. Luckily for fans, there was a little less political discussion and a lot less Jar-Jar. Unfortunately, there was still a ton of crappy story beats and even crappier CGI. Here we go.
Story: 5
It’s obvious George Lucas was aware, at least, of the backlash he received for his story choices in The Phantom Menace. Thankfully, this plot does not revolve around politics anywhere near as much as Episode I did. Sure, politics are still a driving force in this movie, but the time we spend deliberating senatorial matters is reduced significantly. That’s the biggest reason why this movie scores higher than The Phantom Menace in this category. Padme and Anakin’s love blossoms as they hide away on Naboo, but that’s all they do for nearly half the film: hide. Obi-Wan goes on a relatively cool mission to track down a planet full of clone manufacturers, but this sub-plot is heavily drawn out and, for large chunks of it, boring. The whole movie is boring, as it lacks the adventure feel that was synonymous with the ‘Star Wars’ of the past.
Characters: 6
The film scores a bit higher than The Phantom Menace in this category, as well. This is due to the fact that we decrease Jar-Jar’s screen time to virtually nothing (as hinted at earlier). More importantly, though, Anakin is no longer a little kid. He’s ten years older, but he is still, unfortunately, very immature for his age. He’s incredibly whiny and just flat-out soft. It’s hard to believe he later becomes Darth Vader, the most ruthless man in the entire galaxy. This version of Anakin is certainly better than the prior version, but it’s still completely off. Although, Obi-Wan’s development as a supporting character is fairly intriguing and Padme evolves into another strong heroine within the ‘Star Wars’ universe.
Locations: 6
Yes, we go back to Tatooine, but we are introduced to unfamiliar features of the planet yet again (this is particularly true when it comes to the Tusken Raider homestead). We also go back to Naboo, and we get to see more of its beauty outside of the planet’s capital (which was the primary Naboo location featured in Episode I). Kamino and Geonosis are both unique additions to the ‘Star Wars’ universe, as they are unlike anything we’ve ever seen before on screen. However, just like the last movie, these locations come across as highly digital and unrealistic. Besides, they don’t necessarily accent the film in any way.
Humor: 2
Thought the humor was going to get better after The Phantom Menace? Nope. There is one gag, in particular, that I like, though. Otherwise, the humor is in no way worked into the story, and it just sticks out like a sore thumb.
Score: 7
There’s never going to be a bad John Williams score. I don’t think this score is as effective as the one in The Phantom Menace, but it’s still highly impressive considering the source material. And another beautiful theme is produced with “Across the Stars“, Anakin and Padme’s love song. It’s an incredibly overlooked piece of art within the Star Wars saga, and it definitively adds to the overall quality of this film.
Pacing: 6
It’s a little bit better than the pacing in Episode I, simply because the exciting beats in the story don’t seem to be jammed right into the middle of everything. This movie starts off exciting, then is boring for 2/3 of its entirety, then it goes back to being exciting for the third act. It’s not as jumpy as The Phantom Menace, but there still isn’t a great build to the film’s climax.
Dialogue: 3
I mentioned how the script to The Phantom Menace wasn’t the worst writing George Lucas has ever done. Why? Because this script is the worst writing George Lucas has ever done. This is due, in large part, to the cringe-worthy love scenes between Padme and Anakin (yep, we’re finally talking about this). For starters, it’s important to note that Anakin first met Padme when he was nine years old. Padme was fourteen, and a very mature fourteen, at that. In no way, shape, or form was there any romantic, let alone sexual chemistry between them. Anakin had a one-sided crush, which was solely derived from the fact that he had never seen a girl aside from his mother. In this film, Padme reunites with Anakin after ten years of separation and it’s suddenly as if she’s been thinking of him every day since they last parted. At least, that’s what some of her lines imply. The dialogue between them is bad enough as it is; it’s off-putting and completely contradictory to ‘Star Wars’. But when you factor in the notion that Padme has been longing to reconnect with a nine-year-old lover, it’s just flat-out nauseating. Sadly, this dialogue takes up a large portion of the movie, considering the film’s main purpose is to establish a relationship between Anakin and Padme.
Action: 7
There’s a bit more action in this movie, and it’s worked into the story in a much more sensible way. The Bounty Hunter Chase on Coruscant was a little much in terms of length and CGI. Nonetheless, it’s still fairly enjoyable. Obi-Wan trying to hunt down Jango Fett and his Slave I is an awesome parallel to The Empire Strikes Back (aside from the horrible child acting from Boba Fett in the passenger seat). And the Battle of Geonosis is pretty unique in the sense that we had never seen dozens of Jedi battling at once. I am not going to give bonus points for the Yoda vs. Count Dooku lightsaber duel at the film’s climax because I’m a firm believer that lightsabers go against Yoda’s pacifism principles and because Yoda, who was a puppet in Episode I, was turned into a CGI character solely so he could partake in a lightsaber duel. But that’s another discussion for another time.
Cinematography: 6
Again, nothing super special. There are a few cool shots in this film, but it’s not as if they are iconic. The CGI is still bad. I don’t know. It’s just…eh.
Moments: 6
Along the same lines as the previous category, the moments in this film are just…eh. All the action scenes I mentioned above are pretty cool, but the average ‘Star Wars’ fan is not citing any of these moments as their favorite in the saga. None of them stand out in the grand scheme of things.
Overall Score: 54
I also consider myself a big Star Wars fan–and though the series is one of the few that I come back to time and again, I rarely find myself picking up Attack of the Clones; I agree with you–it’s mostly forgettable and probably deserves the 54 you gave it. I also agree that the romantic relationship between Padme and Anakin felt unnatural and forced, given their relationship in the last movie as well as the age difference. Moreover, the score is certainly excellent, and I love the shot you included at the end. I do think your analysis was a bit harsh at times, however. I tend to look at this film mostly as a backstory for Revenge of the Sith, and in such a context, it certainly does the job. This isn’t to say it’s a great movie, and I imagine there were ways to write a backstory that’s actually good in and of itself; but I think there’s definitely some value (that often goes unappreciated) in Attack of the Clones from the perspective of the overall story arc.
I loved reading your post, and it was for me almost entirely spot-on. Great work!