Sons, daughters, mothers, fathers. Words most children associate with family. But what if a family doesn’t have just a mother, father, and their children? On the verge of adolescence, I struggled to piece together the ways of the world. After all, how much does a nine-year-old really know about the world? Sitting in the noisy elementary school cafeteria filled with poor table manners and grubby hands, my friends and I sat gossiping about our families. My face instantly flushed at the sound of my friends boasting about their parents, brothers, and sisters. I suddenly realized my family was different. I did not have any brothers or sisters. My father moved away to some hot and dry state midway across the country with some random woman I didn’t know, and my mother was constantly absent from our home. And to put the cherry on top, I lived with my grandparents. None of my friends lived with theirs, so I was confused if living with my grandparents was really a good thing.
Eventually, my feelings of confusion and worry about what my family looked like developed into feelings of embarrassment and shame. Two of my best friends had married parents, siblings, and beautiful large houses. The ones that were so newly constructed you could still smell the stench of fresh paint. Another close friend of mine had divorced parents, but she lived with her mom, stepdad, and stepbrother, which was still a perfect family in my ten-year-old naive eyes. She was lucky. She got to see her father every week or so. Every time I’d visit her house for a sleepover I’d be jealous of how close and caring her entire family was. Her mom even told me “I could always come over if I needed to”.
What did that even mean? “If I needed to?” I have a home of my own and two grandparents that take care of me, why would I ever need to go somewhere else? It wasn’t until my teen years when I realized the true extent of my friend’s mom’s words. Because I had a complicated family situation in which I lived with two of the most hardworking grandparents, my friend’s parents pitied me.
I don’t look back at the times I struggled with my family’s identity and see it as a poor childhood anymore now that I’ve been introduced to so many more family dynamics than my three childhood best friends. Some of my friends over the years were raised by single mothers who worked their butts off to support their children. Some of my cousins have families with adoption or abandonment stories. Nowadays, the news of celebrity families blankets the magazine covers and demeaning social media articles. Never thought I’d learn much from them but take a look at the Kardashian family. The matriarch Kris Jenner had three children before she remarried and had another two with Caitlyn Jenner, and even her own children have families that do not fit the outdated nuclear family ideal. I’ve also heard of men raising a family of their own such as Andy Cohen and Anderson Cooper, and families who refuse to conform to the gendered expectations of familial roles. It’s not the 20th century anymore, and I’m not the embarrassed ten-year-old I once was. I believe there are no more nuclear standards for families to fill like there once was.
1.Identify the conflict of this piece. If you think the conflict needs work, offer suggestions.
-The conflict of this piece is Haven dealing with living in a family dynamic different than that of others.
2. Comment on the arrangement of the piece. Could the piece be more sensory or engaging if told another way? Think about the beginning, middle, and ending. Comment on how they could be strengthened.
-I thought the arrangement of this piece was phenomenal. One potential change I would encourage would be to include a little more about modern Haven. You have a large emphasis on young Haven, but it could go into a little more detail about you, now. Maybe mention some more things special about your unique family dynamic. Your sensory imagery was great, I loved the description of the cafeteria scene, it painted a strong picture of the chaos of a school cafeteria.
3. Name some possibilities for deeper characterization. How could the “I” be developed further? Is there more you would like to know about the relationships between “characters”? Were some details “author oriented” instead of “audience oriented”?
-Similar to what I said about the previous point, I think you would benefit from describing your family situation a little more, focusing on how your grandparents raised you in their own way and how that plays into your belief. Other than that, I liked how personal it was, focusing on your relationship with your stereotypical friends who enjoyed ‘normal’ family dynamics.
4. Did the belief match up with the story? Offer some advice if you felt the piece moved toward a different conclusion.
-Yes, I think the belief matched well. The whole time you discussed your acceptance of your family structure, and it ended with you reflecting on your belief.
5. Suggest ways that the piece could engage the senses more.
-Not much I can suggest here; your sensory was great. MAYBE add more sensory images in the sleepover bit, but that’s a nit pick.
6. Make a suggestion or two for something the author could move, change, add, or delete.
-I wouldn’t move or delete anything. Only suggestion I have has already been made, to add more about modern Haven.
1.Identify the conflict of this piece. If you think the conflict needs work, offer suggestions.
I think that the conflict is quite clearly laid out and provides for a good essay. The conflict seems to be grappling with traditional ideas of the nuclear family and how, due to personal experience as well as having observed a variety of other cases, the system is antiquated. It caused the author to feel insecurities throughout her adolescence she now sees as misplaced.
2. Comment on the arrangement of the piece. Could the piece be more sensory or engaging if told another way? Think about the beginning, middle, and ending. Comment on how they could be strengthened.
Starting with the introduction, it clearly lays out the central conflict and has some additional flair with an interesting hook. It can introduce the insecurities of the author and the situation which led to such feelings. It may help here to better indicate what the belief held is during these early sentences.
I think the middle section does a good job in transitioning from negative feelings of insecurity and potential jealousy to pride.
The ending capitalizes off the positivity from the middle in order to drive home the belief of the author. Overall, I think the notion of a sensory story is a challenge when covering the broadness of a childhood but there are moments that are clearly sensory, and the story is engaging throughout.
3. Name some possibilities for deeper characterization. How could the “I” be developed further? Is there more you would like to know about the relationships between “characters”? Were some details “author oriented” instead of “audience oriented”?
I think an area for deeper characterization would be to more actively engage the grandparents within the story. They sound like they are great people but I think that a few sentences describing them and/or the relationship would be beneficial to the story.
4. Did the belief match up with the story? Offer some advice if you felt the piece moved toward a different conclusion.
I would say that the belief and story match up quite well. Growing up with a different family makeup led the author to have a broader and accepting attitude towards non-nuclear homes, even going as far as to say the concept is outdated.
5. Suggest ways that the piece could engage the senses more.
I think engaging emotions is the priority for this piece. There are moments where the author goes to create an image, such as with the kids gossiping at lunch.
6. Make a suggestion or two for something the author could move, change, add, or delete.
I think the sentence where the Kardashians are introduced could benefit from having I start the sentence. I also think that there may be better non-conformal families to use than the Kardashians that have a more positive association for audiences but this does play for some level of comedic affect.
Another minor tweak is I think the use of stench for fresh paint may be a bit strong to use.
1.Identify the conflict of this piece. If you think the conflict needs work, offer suggestions.