And Long Walks on the Beach

by Tommi Howard

They held the funeral at a place ten minutes out of town where the hills started to roll, figuring she might have wanted that since she went on drives out there so often. Most of the family had made it, but there were a lot of them and it was understandable that trips can’t always be made on short notice every time. If you didn’t know spring was just around the corner, March here would reek of defeat. Gray clouds, gray trees, gray dirt covering exhausted sidewalks and office buildings. The only thing that could bring life to this place was nature or a face that shone with love, but those faces all left, just like Ellie had. Even at her lowest she had tried to take care of herself for her mom’s sake. Everyone had a hard time looking at the anxiety-stricken Mrs. McGregor today, for fear of seeing more death than they already had to. A lot of people said a lot of nice things when they found out, but they hadn’t usually said hi to Ellie in the halls at school. Former teachers were very eloquent, but Ellie would’ve been glad she never told her mom that they didn’t usually say hi first either.

Ellie grabbed her drink to kick back on the crush velvet sofa for a second. She chugged and set it on the floor to find it had made her palm sticky. Maybe that’s what killed the mood. She would dance with whoever, whenever, wherever. Dancing was a good time, but most girls had to be smashed to not be uptight about it. Maybe that’s why Big Al liked her. Also because she wouldn’t put up with his shit. But mostly because she liked to dance. But, the little room they’d got for the after party was thick with smoke and perfume and everybody’s drunk breath, and the Buddha statues and posters of belly dancers were just tacky. She didn’t feel like dancing anymore; she’d just been too out of it to notice until she sat down.

The night air in Miami was heavier than air should be at night, but it lifted her up as it replaced the cigarette smog in her lungs. She left on her heels until she got to the beach. When her feet hit the sand, she realized how uncomfortable, how uneasy, how wrong she felt. The eye shadow caked on her lids, the little black dress, the beer and steak in her stomach. So, she focused on the ground beneath her bare feet. She thought of the late nights, struggling to get up in the mornings, the best friends she barely knew, countless movie marathons with herself when there were no parties to go to. Miami was supposed to set her free. Looking out to sea, she felt like she had woken up from a dream and realized she couldn’t actually fly in real life. The sun would rise tomorrow, though, directly in front of where she stood. “I’d like to see a sunrise,” thought Ellie. It was her mom, though, that was up before the sun that morning when they called to tell her the news.