Penn State Altoona's Literary and Visual Arts Journal

Find Me

He prided himself for his odd knack, he was a finder and that it suited him. She was an enigma, a creature who practically begged for solitude and when she was granted it she disappeared like smoke in the air. No one seemed to be able find her, except him. His knack was what she called his sixth sense. When she vanished he would always find her. That was a goal at the moment. His foot falls echoed off the silent stone halls, quickly taking him in search of her. He felt like he looked high and low, near and far but he came up with nothing, no sign of her, despite checking all her usual hiding spots.

The last place he checked being the training ground, thinking she may have come out to lay in the sun warmed grass. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t disappointed, his sixth sense failing him for the first time. While everyone was enjoying their day he had now settled for going back to his room alone and getting caught up on paperwork, at least trying to be productive.

He began his trek back to the old stone walled castle that was used for their housing for the time, when out of the corner of his eye he caught sight of someone leaning behind a tree. With a smile he guessed his knack hadn’t failed him after all. When he rounded the tree, she was there looking like she was always meant to be there, completely at ease. She was sitting propped up against the trunk of the large oak, her knees bent but fallen to the side, her head tilted toward him but her eyes were shut in sleep and a small smile gracing her lips.  He didn’t want to wake her; sleep was a gift in their hellish existence but he craved her presence. He stepped around the tree and lay down in the grass beside her. Looking up at the sky through the leafy branches he allowed his mind wander.

When he met her he hadn’t understood her, hell sometimes he still doesn’t but she’s a marvel to him. He’s stunned by her.  She’s beautiful and terrifying all at once, sort of like a hurricane or a tornado or maybe both combined. She could be ruthless like no other, losing herself in fighting for what she’s sworn to protect. There’s no one else in the world that burns as brightly as she does. She could burn the world to ashes of she wanted too. She changed him, they challenged each other, and he made her feel something again. He let her in and that was dangerous for both of them. Dangerous because they led lives of reluctant heroes, avoiding death was their favorite hobby. They survived through countless hells, and dealt with consequences that neither thought they’d ever have to encounter. The death of friends, brutal injuries, and the nightmares; being awoken in the dead of night by a screaming lover was something both of them had become accustomed too.

He dragged his hands up his face and through his raven hair, sighed heavily and willed himself to think of something other than death and screaming.  It was then he noticed that she had begun to stir and he cursed himself silently for waking her with his noise. Her eyes fluttered then opened, the small smile that she already had grew when she saw him her looking up at her. They didn’t speak yet but his eyes never left her. He watched her stretch her arms and legs and then fall back onto the ground next to him. He looked back up to the sky, comfortable with their silence for the moment. When he finally did speak he whispered softly,

“I didn’t mean to wake you.” Feeling slightly bad that he had woken her.

Her shoulders shrugged lightly and she murmured in a sleepy voice,

“You didn’t…well at least you didn’t mean too.” She rubbed her eyes but continued speaking a moment later.

“I had the oddest dream just.” She said quietly as she sat up and turned to look at him with a slight smile still in place.

He had earlier wondered why she was smiling in her sleep since the thing sleep gave them now a days was nightmares and brief bouts of energy.

“I must have been a good odd dream then.” He subtlety inquired. When he got a puzzled look from her he kept going. “You were smiling in your sleep; you haven’t done that in a long time.” He said and she smiled; the silence settled in comfortably. The he asked “So what was it about?” and looked over at her ready to listen.

She laughed, a short puffed ‘ha’ and shook her head in slight disbelieve, “You’re going to think it’s silly, hell even I think it’s a little silly. He only tilted his head and gave a slight raise to his eyebrows, a silent sign to say ‘go on’. Rolling her eyes, she turned her face away from him and said softly,

“It was about you and I, and it was happy but really strange. We weren’t here in this life but instead a completely different world actually. There were disguised monsters lurking in the dark, people weren’t horrifically dying every day, and we were happy. Everything was different and foreign but it’s like we lived like that our entire lives knowing nothing except that life. It was amazing.”

As she spoke he watched her eyes change. When she began they were lively and bright but as her explanation wound down he watched them become sad, hollow even.  As if she wished her dream was true, that that was the world she lived in and that her real life was the dream. She sighed softly.

“Wh… What if it could be true?” She asked, her graze dropping to the ground.

He shook his head slowly, hating to burst her bubble but this was real life, not a dream. He was a constant realist, always looking at things at how they were.

“It was just a dream.” He said simply

“I know, I know. But what if that’s what could be waiting for us after we die? What if we don’t really die?” She shook her head and continued “I can’t get this out of my head. This life is a constant reminder that I could die any day. You could die any day.” Her voice is strained as she talks.

“And then that’s it? I’m gone and you’re here alone. I can’t accept that. I… I can’t accept that our lives don’t have a good ending, that all we have to look forward to his death and pain.” Her voice finally broke and he could see the tears pooling around her eyes, her fighting so hard to keep them in.

He was shocked by her tears. This was the woman who watched her family slaughtered, her closest friend devoured by the very things they fought against and didn’t shed a tear. Now here she was on the verge of sobbing because of a dream she had about them. It was then he realized that this dream world was her hope, that after they died they’d actually go to a better life than what they have now. Who the hell was he to deny her some hope? He had to believe in this for her.

Letting out the breath he had been holding, he sat up beside her. He cupped her face gently in his hands, turning her to look at him and brushed those tears away with his thumbs. They looked each other in the eyes, steel blue meeting, at the moment, watery green. He spoke softly, calmly to her now,

“You’re not going to die; I’m sure as hell not going to let that happen. I’ll rip every monster to shreds that comes near you. If one of us is going to die, it’s going to be me. If that happens then it’s your job to find me. Find me in this dream world you’ve conjured up. I love you. I love you to hell and back, to heaven and back. Do you understand?”

She nodded fiercely as he pressed a kiss against her forehead. The tears she so desperately fought were coming in full force; soaking his hand with their saltiness.

Reality snapped back to him as the wind whipped his face as he landed swiftly beside where she was perched on a wide tree branch. Both of them and many other soldiers waited ready and alert; taking high ground in trees and ready to ambush their enemies. She was startled by his appearance, blood splattered on his shirt, his blades strained with it from taking out an enemy spotter. She took a breath, calming the anxiety building in her chest. He noticed her shaky breathing and the uneasy look on her face and raised an eyebrow, silently questioning her.

“I have a bad feeling about this one.” She said, her eyes alert to any movement that could signal an oncoming attack. “I just don’t understand why we have to keep doing this. What are we even fighting for” She mused, referring to the fight that was about to happen.

“Hey” He said reaching out and brushing his fingers over her arm so to get her attention, he continued, “We do this because we have to. But don’t worry, it’s just a simple mission, we take some down, maybe bring one or two back alive, get some information, and then we get the hell back home. We’ll be back behind the gate before dusk. It’s a walk in the park for us”

He said it all so simply. His reasoning was sound to her, but it still did nothing for these new unwanted feeling that had come over her. The soldiers around them were poised for attack; they could hear the rustle of leaves and boots falling heavily on the forest floor bringing enemy closer and closer to battle. With their squads close by in neighboring trees and branches above them, they were ready. Getting close to him, she stood on tip toe to brush a kiss across his cheek and in return he pressed his forehead to hers, having a moment before all hell broke loose. When they heard the signal from their commander ring in meaning the opposing soldiers were here, they separated and she motioned for her squad to move in to attack. Casting one more look at him her confidence resurfaced in her smirk,

“Catch you on the other side”

She took off, propelling herself from tree to tree with ease due to the closeness of them, her blades drawn and ready. She flew through the air slicing down into enemies who had taken to the trees as well, easily ending their lives. She stopped and glanced behind her and saw that he was hot on her heels taking them out with just as much ease as she had.

Always covering.  She thought with a wave of comfort, but her thought was cut short when a body collided with hers from the right, slamming into her with such strength that she was thrown unbalanced. It stole the air from her lungs. Gasping for breath she found herself loosing balance and falling towards the ground with no way of catching herself. A scream ripped from her throat as when she hit the forest floor which such a force she felt her body explode. Ribs shattered, and vertebra cracked from the force; the splintered bone piercing her skin and creating more fresh wounds. Looking up through hazy eyes she made out the form of a man coming towards her, a blade in each hand ready to strike. Horror rushed through her body, and adrenaline pumped at a heart stopping rate as the realization of what was about to happen spread through her. She tried to move but her legs wouldn’t work. Standing over her now this man raised his arm and without a second pinned her maimed body to the ground with both blades.

Through the blinding pain, she was faintly aware that her name was being screamed from somewhere in the distance. Her body went limp and her vision began to blur, the pain radiating through her body becoming numb. Blood forced its way out of her mouth and down the side of her face. Her attacker smiled cruelly at her, having all intention of fully finishing her off. Before the final blow came a flash of a person flew past her blurred eyes and the soldier let out a pained howl, and fell to the ground, blood pooling around his body. As she lay there unable to move, the face she wanted to see last came into her view.

His distraught, tear stained face stared down at her, his month forming words that she could no longer hear but could read. The words “stay with me, I love you” fell from his lips over and over. If she wasn’t already, the sight of his face would have broken her. Despite that her body was damaged beyond repair, she tried to move her hand in an effort she could wipe away his tears. When she was unable to move she breathed in a ragged painful breath She could feel death creeping in and before it took her, her dream flashed in her head. With a soft smile on her face, she whispered two faint words.

“Find me.”

The wind blew wickedly, whipping her golden hair against her face hard enough to sting. The sun seemed to stop existing since winter sent in, making the cold even colder. ‘Why do I live in a place where the air hurts my face’ she thought sourly. She pulled her coat tighter around herself as she hurried through the barren park, a short cut on the way to class. Groaning when she checked the phone in her hand, realizing she was going to be late again. She looked at the coffee poised in her hand and thought with a roll of her eyes, ‘my coffee addiction is going to be the reason I fail math.’

Continuing her venture, she suddenly felt that all too familiar ache in her chest. Pressing a hand to where her heart was, she sighed and tried to will it away. This ache had come and gone for months now with no explanation and continued to create a longing, painful ache in her heart. It made her feel like she was missing something or someone and it was almost on the tip of her tongue but never within full reach to her memory. She sighed and tried to push the longing ache away.

Just as she was getting close to the arched stone park exist, she started rifling through her bag, hoping to god she at least didn’t forget her homework since she was going to be late for the 118th time. She balanced the plastic cup and phone gracefully in her left hand while the right hand and eyes assisted each other in a desperate search under her arm. All the while paying no attention to where she was going until she ran full force into something solid but very human. She cursed to herself as she watched the cup tumble out of her hand and slip dramatically all over the ground and dowsing the phone that had fallen with it. With a shattered dead screen staring up at her and coffee pooling at her and the stranger’s feet, she looked up fully ready to babble out an apology about not watching where she was going.

When her eyes reached this man’s face and she locked onto a pair of strangely familiar steel blue eyes and, like a punch to the stomach, she was rendered speechless. Their past life flashed before her eyes, all the love they felt, all the pain they went through, the day she died and watched him cry over her. His mouth frozen around words he was able to say before he looked at her. Stunned silence and shock pasted between the pair. A beat passed between them until a gasp bubbled out of her throat as the realization set in and was quickly replaced by a sob as her hands flew to her mouth to cover it up. His frozen mouth morphed into a smirk at her reaction, somehow knowing all too well how she would react. He gently tugged her hands away and held them in his, squeezing them gently. Slowly he leaned in, as if picking up where they left off, and whispered softly in her ear,

“Found you.”

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