The Farewell – what would you do if your loved one was diagnosed with one of the worst kinds of sicknesses known to humankind today, like cancer, perhaps, and you are the first to learn about it ahead of the person who has the actual diagnosis – would you tell them right away? Or keep it a secret? If you’re an American, your immediate answer, I believe, would be “tell them, of course, they deserve to know. After all, it’s their life and they may want to shift their priorities around, checking off items on their bucket list…”. It’s only fair, right? However, in the East, in China, the opposite holds true. When your loved one is diagnosed with a terminal illness, you never tell them! This may sound strange, perhaps even unorthodox, and unfair; or at least that’s what I thought when I first learned about this custom from an emotionally gripping Chinese movie entitled, The Farewell. In this movie, Haiyan, a Chinese man who migrated to America with his wife and young daughter decades ago, and his extended family, had to keep a huge secret that concerned the family’s matriarch, Nai Nai, who was recently diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer and presumably had only months to live.

In an attempt to bring the entire family together to reunite Nai Nai with all her children and their families before she dies, which of course is every parent’s wish, the family banded together to plot a fake wedding of Nai Nai’s grandson, as a cover. While Nai Nai thought the wedding was a legitimate ceremony, it was the perfect façade to bring everyone together one last time for a grand “farewell” to Nai Nai. As with many traditional wedding ceremonies, it’s quite common for families to come together in reunion to take part in the planning and festivities, placing Nai Nai in an elevated position as the organizer. However, Billi’s parents did not want her to part of this great reunion for fear that she would divulge the secret because of her strong love for her grandmother which will make it impossible for her to hide her feelings and also her western influences.

The reason behind all this secrecy, all the trouble of throwing a guised wedding banquet is out of deep, unbendable, and unconditional love. Your loved ones are willing to take full responsibility in bearing not only the guilt of not revealing the truth to you, but also the physical pain and the anguish and the untold burden that lingers around the name, cancer, while they do their ultimate level best to bring all your bucket list wishes into a reality.

I know what you are thinking, it doesn’t all make sense, right? Keeping a detrimental secret such as this from the person who is primarily affected by it. In this movie we see the major character Billi, struggling to come to terms with this precept. More of an American than Chinese, growing up as no stranger to the streets of New York, engulfed in the Western culture, it was indeed hard for Billi to swallow this tradition. Here is an excerpt from the movie where Billi’s mother is trying to explain the reason behind ‘the good lie’: “Chinese have a saying that when people get cancer they die. It’s not the cancer that kills them. It’s the fear” (Wang, 2019). Therefore, their family will keep this heartbreaking news from them in hope that they will enjoy their remaining few weeks, months, or even years without the fear of dying or suffering. As the movie advances, it was not only Billi who was troubled by this cover up, we see the burden of keeping the truth veiled in a shroud of secrecy, weighing heavily on this Chinese American family, Billi’s mother and father. We can see the impact of an American culture of openness on them, though you can tell from the story that they moved to the United States as adults, after having Billi.

The uncle who lived many years in Japan, which seems to have a similar tradition being part of the Eastern world, we see him expressing his firm stand to Billie and her father when he notices his brother is caving to his American culture of openness, perhaps reconsidering the secret: “You guys moved to the West long ago. You think one’s life belongs to oneself. But that’s the difference between the East and the West. In the East, a person’s life is part of a whole. Family. Society. You want to tell Nai Nai the truth…because you’re afraid to take responsibility for her. Because it’s too big of a burden. If you tell her…then you don’t have to feel guilty. We’re not telling Nai Nai…because it’s our duty to carry this emotional burden for her” (Wang, 2019).

Burden, they did carry. Because Nai Nai could see the effects of the burden on her son’s, Hiyan’s face, how it is swollen and discolored as if he is the one who is living with cancer. She can also see this burden having a great toll on her granddaughter who feels so distant and disinterested in eating, talking, mostly sad, depressed, and tired. Nai Nai routinely told many family members that they looked tired and needed to rest. It was obvious that the family was the one carrying the full burden of the cancer. It was the family that had the look of cancer on their face, not Nai Nai. I know that look of cancer because I have seen it firsthand on my mom’s face as she was fighting for her life in a long, exhausting battle that lasted more than two years. I was wondering, would it have made a difference had we not told her and kept it a secret? Because every day I saw the fear of death, loneliness, and hopelessness written all over her face though she was surrounded by all her children who loved her so dearly, for she knew it was only a matter of time and that none of us could help her to ease the pain or take it away no matter how much we loved her. This Chinese tradition of keeping this kind of consuming secret might not miraculously add years to my mom’s life, but it may have at least helped her to avoid living out her last few years in fear and uncertainty. It might have suppressed the excruciating pain and lent her a glimpse of hope of staying alive that would’ve helped her fight the cancer better. It may have provided for at least some semblance of joy during the time she had left. I guess that’s the culture difference again because in Ethiopia, just like in America, we tell the person if they have a terminal illness. We don’t keep it a secret.

The Farewell movie revolves around this central theme while it divulges the social, cultural, and family values of the Chinese people far beyond this concept of not revealing a loved one’s terminal illness to them.

In a subtle way, the film reveals to us how women are or at least “the modern women,” expected to be strong, hardworking, wise, and independent. We can infer this from the movie by how Nai Nai was in the military fighting alongside the men, how she is still wise, powerful, and influential. How everybody in the family respects her and fears her, how even now, with her current companion, she is by far strong and commanding than he is. Women’s wisdom is also depicted in the movie by the sage advice she was passing down to her granddaughter about life, about future, about the importance of sacred marriage, and career aspirations. This feminine strength is also evidenced in Billi’s mother, how she tries to keep the family together when everybody is immersed in their own personal problems. Her daughter, Billi, was not successful in trying to navigate life, specifically starting her career and making a living for herself. Even though she experienced challenges in her marriage (disagreement), and her husband struggled with alcohol and smoking, that exacerbated the situation even more, yet she didn’t allow her marriage to dissolve. She tries to keep everybody’s secret and bond the family together.

Another interesting observation that gives us additional insight to the Chinese culture is how parenting is different in China as compared to America. This is reflected in a pivotal dark scene between Billi, her father, and her father’s brother. Billi’s uncle offers a cigarette to his brother which is sharply denounced by Billi. She is confronted by her uncle, “He’s your father. You shouldn’t try to control him” (Wang, 2019). This is further evidence of the differences between the eastern and western traditions, emphasized here in terms of how elders are treated based on traditional ideals. Lastly, one fact that stood out to me is how much the Chinese value family, how strong the bond is, and how much they respect elders and one another.

This is a very insightful movie that I chose in part to learn more about the Chinese culture which I previously had very little exposure to. Little did I know how much I would truly learn for this multicultural experience which made me have more appreciation and respect for the Chinese community.

References

Wang, L. (Director). (2019). The Farewell [Film]. Big Beach Productions.