I grew up in the suburbs outside of Pittsburgh in a relatively privileged area and a school district that contained a large population of South Asian students. Because of this, I got to watch first-hand as stereotypes unfolded and proved themselves to be true, as well as how they could limit and hurt people. One of these stereotypes is the notion that all Asian parents are extremely strict. In my expert opinion, I would say that it definitely varies.

I’m lucky to have parents who prioritized safety and responsibility as I was growing up without being overprotective and saying “no” to me a lot. Not everyone I know, however, was as fortunate. After observing the behavior of my friends and peers for years, I’ve reached the conclusion that the stricter the parents, the more rebellious the kid. One of my friends, for instance, had parents who let her go wherever she wanted and do whatever she pleased, primarily because they trusted her. Today, she is attending a top university and rarely breaks rules or does what she’s not supposed to, at least compared to the average college student. She is the paragon of reliability, responsibility, and moderation, and I truly believe that it is because her parents allowed her to learn her own limits instead of dictating to her what they were.

In contrast, I watched as some of my peers became better at lying to their parents in real time as we went through high school. Girls whose parents wouldn’t let them date would go through ridiculous lengths to hide their relationships with guys who I suspected they didn’t even like. Parents who set unreasonable curfews had no idea that their kids were sneaking out and becoming more prone to drinking and substance use, while the kids of less authoritarian parents were safely in bed on their own accord. Stricter parents don’t raise more well-behaved children, they raise smarter ones. While this “misbehavior” might seem harmless, I’ve seen how it can lead to a life of irresponsible decision making, leading kids to lose track of their dreams, as well as those of their parents.

Some great examples of this phenomenon in the media can be found in Gilmore Girls. For instance, one of the protagonists, Rory, who was raised by the free-spirited Lorelai, is (at least at her high school age) a well-behaved, unproblematic daughter. At least, she doesn’t hide anything from her mom, allowing Lorelai to ensure her safety at all times. In contrast, Rory’s best friend, Lane, who has a totalitarian mother who is overly concerned for her safety, learns at a young age how to sneak around in order to live her life the way she wants. Her mother is unaware of the fact that her daughter is never truly accounted for, which could potentially be dangerous in real life.

There is a concept in psychology that explains this well: authoritative vs. authoritarian parenting. When parents allow their children to develop an intrinsic motivation for doing the right thing, prioritizing their well-being, and striving to achieve their goals, they set their kids up for success in the future. While structure and discipline are undoubtedly crucial as a part of good parenting, empathy, active listening, and a little flexibility can go a long way.