I think most of us can agree: brownies are one of the easiest and most delicious treats to make. With only a handful of ingredients, an oven, and about 30 minutes of time, you can whip up a batch of brownies for a party or just some close friends, and, best of all, most brownie recipes are simple enough even for novice bakers to make. That is, unless you are in the U.S. Military.
As with all bureaucracies, the military has found a way to make even the easiest tasks needlessly complicated and soul crushing (because, after all, why do something in 5 steps when you could do it in 20). Case-in-point: the official brownie recipe sanctioned by the U.S. Military is 26 pages long.
I’m sure that statement brought up more than a few questions. First: why does the military have an official brownie recipe? More importantly, what the hell did they put in there to make it 26 pages?? Well, in true military fashion, a majority of the document is filled with a long list of specifications on ingredients and quality inspection details. For example, instead of simply saying “eggs”, the document reads:
This hyper specific index of ingredients along drags on for an entire 7 pages. Finally, by page 8, you reach the actual recipe for the brownie preparation. Hallelujah. But what could be on the other pages? Well, once again in true military fashion, the writers go on to detail quality specifications such as ‘water content’, ‘net weight inspection’, and other product requirements. Finally, the recipe ends with instructions for packaging and vacuum sealing the finished product.
In the end, for all your perseverance you are rewarded with: a gross brownie. Seriously, these things taste like chocolate chalk. But, to be fair, they aren’t meant for you. These brownies are part of an MRE (aka Meals Ready to Eat). MREs are what soldiers eat when they are on deployments. They are designed specifically to resist spoiling and withstand a variety of harsh environmental conditions. Amazingly, the standard shelf life for these things is up to 5 years, so I guess it makes sense that they have to forego some of the taste considerations. Anyways, if you are thinking about making a nice batch of brownies, maybe stick to Pinterest, but if you plan on keeping them around for a while, the military has you covered.
I absolutely love the topic of your blog website, I think it’s so funny! I had no idea the military have an official brownie recipe. I like how you say that brownies are easy to make; the other day I made brownies with my friends and what should be the easiest recipe in the world somehow turned into a mess and the brownies turned out so bad. Although the military brownies may not look or taste the best, I’m sure they turned out better than the brownies we made. Great post, Jonathan!
I really enjoyed your last comment about finding recipes on Pinterest, because Pinterest is one of the greatest things to ever happen to me. Anyway, I think your blog is really cool, and those brownies are really disgusting. By page 2 of those instructions, I would have been too confused and just given up. Reading that section on eggs, I was convinced that I was illiterate by the end of it. I don’t know how you got through that entire recipe, but I’m sorry that it didn’t turn out to be worth it.
Gotta love politics, right? It’s laughable to think how the government and the military’s need for specificity can lead to such a rabbit hole to the point where making a relatively simple bakery treat can turn into a long and arduous process. Honestly, it’s really funny, but not unexpected. The best part is that even with all of the instructions and specific information, the brownies still suck. I guess simplicity can be freeing sometimes, although I don’t think the military would agree.
I know a friend in the Marines and my uncle was in the national guard. From what I’ve heard from them, it makes sense that the recipe is 26 pages long. The military makes things much more complicated than they need to be but it may just seem like that because we’re not in the military. I bet the people serving think they are divine as this is the only way to make brownies.
I thought this post was hilarious, the U.S. military WOULD have a recipe that is 26 pages long. Personally, I think I will stick with my Ghirardelli Brownie mix that just makes life so much easier. But I guess it makes sense that the military brownies wouldn’t taste as good, as they are made to withstand poor conditions. I guess I am a little surprised though that brownies would even be an option for soldiers deployed, I thought they would have soldiers on a stricter diet or something, but nevertheless I really enjoyed this post!
If I had seen a recipe that was 26 pages long, I would have skipped it right away. I can barely get through a page recipe without having to reread it a bunch of times and still messing up something. However, the idea of making a brownie and being able to eat it anytime in the next 5 years is really cool, too bad they taste terrible. I guess to get a better consideration of taste and quality, it’d be interesting to hear from soldiers that ate it while they were deployed.